Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Not Quite Sure How I Feel

Had my usual Wednesday morning session today.  I guess by all accounts it was good. But at the same time I left feeling  that I was missing something. That I didn't get something that I wanted, I didn't get some crazy need met. But I honestly don't know what it was that I wanted.

I didn't go in wanting or needing to talk about anything in particular.  But I always long for a deep level of connectedness (is that a word?) that for the most part seems to only happen when we have some sort of misunderstanding, or I twist a particular incident or conversation or comment or action or text which causes me to have a strong reaction.  So it's weird,   for me to feel a strong connection, I need to have some sort of inner turmoil going on?  Some rupture between the two of us?  Some weird sort of cause-and-effect?

It's just not enough for me to sit and have a good conversation?  Of course more than 'Nice weather we're having', or 'We went and saw the movie Bridesmaids and loved it'.  We even talked about my reaction to Father's Day this year and the death of my dad.  All in all is was good, but not enough.  Why?

We've had this sort of discussion before, why every session doesn't have to be the Bell Jar, and I understand, but I'm still left feeling the same way.

I don't even know if this made any sense.


  1. It's complicated, but I understand how you feel because I used to feel that way with my T too.

  2. It is confusing to only feel a good connection if you are in conflict with someone. Though for me, if that happens with my T, I'm always surprised that he responds kindly, and that makes me feel close to him.

    I wonder if a different aspect of you wishes to be heard in your session and is not getting a chance to speak? Could be totally wrong, but that happens to me.

  3. Makes total sense to me.

    "So it's weird, for me to feel a strong connection, I need to have some sort of inner turmoil going on? Some rupture between the two of us? Some weird sort of cause-and-effect?"

    This is interesting and can have many different reasons.

    It reminded me of the reparative work that therapy is. therapist getting it wrong and both of you surviving the therapists mistakes, i think that is how something very healthy can be internalised within the psyche.

    take gentle care of yourself, you are ding very important work

  4. Thanks Polar, Ellen, and UMC.

    I texted L and asked her if we could talk about this next week. It still seems weird to me and I'm not sure the 'usefullness'. It feels more like I can't be satisfied. Like never being able to quench a thirst.