Maybe it's the rain, or maybe it was the session with L, but feeling really down and sad right now. I know I'm in a crappy place I guess I just didn't need to be reminded of it.
L really wants me to tell her more about my obsessional thoughts, my thoughts about her. How can I possibly do that?
For instance, she wanted to know what was going through my head on the drive to see her this morning. So, just to prove I'm crazy, here's what I was thinking:
I really want to be able to talk to L today, I hate when I go and leave feeling not connected, not feeling satisfied, not feeling like we went deep enough. I guess it's like having sex, but never having an orgasm. I mean it feels nice, but it's not the ultimate.....
So how the freak am I supposed to share that weird thought with her? I'm embarrassed just typing it!
Would I love to tell her about how I wish sometimes that she would just hold me? How I wish I could just sit and cry?
And the funny thing is I'm not even sure I actually would want that. Maybe it's just a nice thought.
And then I worry about the whole gay-thing. Maybe she'll misinterpret my crazy thoughts as some romantic/sexual desire. Or maybe I'm scared that it really is some crazy romantic/sexual desire.