Maybe it's the rain, or maybe it was the session with L, but feeling really down and sad right now. I know I'm in a crappy place I guess I just didn't need to be reminded of it.
L really wants me to tell her more about my obsessional thoughts, my thoughts about her. How can I possibly do that?
For instance, she wanted to know what was going through my head on the drive to see her this morning. So, just to prove I'm crazy, here's what I was thinking:
I really want to be able to talk to L today, I hate when I go and leave feeling not connected, not feeling satisfied, not feeling like we went deep enough. I guess it's like having sex, but never having an orgasm. I mean it feels nice, but it's not the ultimate.....
So how the freak am I supposed to share that weird thought with her? I'm embarrassed just typing it!
Would I love to tell her about how I wish sometimes that she would just hold me? How I wish I could just sit and cry?
And the funny thing is I'm not even sure I actually would want that. Maybe it's just a nice thought.
And then I worry about the whole gay-thing. Maybe she'll misinterpret my crazy thoughts as some romantic/sexual desire. Or maybe I'm scared that it really is some crazy romantic/sexual desire.
This is tough, I can feel it in your writing. And I'm very sorry that you are needing to go through this. I say 'need' because I know once you work through some of this, it will make things flow better between you two.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she is open to hearing what you will be saying. Perhaps just offer a 'warning' prior to coming out with the answers to questions like that ... a bit of: "I'm very nervous telling you these things because I don't want you to look at me differently. I don't quite understand my feelings surrounding this at the moment, however, I was thinking this, this and this on my way in."
While I don't know exactly how this feels for you, I can understand the situation. I spent many weeks in therapy, with my therapist asking me about our dynamic together. She said that until I am able to work through that with her, I will not be able to have healthy relationships anywhere. I'm not sure if this is relevant at this point, but I mention it anyway.
Continue to explain that you're nevous, feel that she may look at you differently, don't understand your own feelings, etc. She has surely come across a situation like this before - so try not to feel isolated. As for the holding and the crying - it sounds like you are looking for a connection, a bit of caring from her - that is normal. Who wouldn't want to feel that kind of care from someone significant in our lives? Someone who has helped us as they do?
I hope your next session goes better.
Thanks Amanda. In my head I know you're right, but somehow it doesn't make it any easier. And I know others have walked down this path before, but somehow I still feel like the only one.
ReplyDeleteThis therapy-stuff really is bizarre!