I actually am starting to believe (sort of, maybe..) that I can tell L anything. That is an amazing thing.
Some random comments/notes from yesterday, and there was lots of ramblings yesterday:
Told her that I hated that my partner M was going to give L's card to another therapist who was looking for someone in L's town. I told L that I didn't want to share her. I told her that I've finally 'allowed' her to have children, but they were more like cardboard cutouts to me. She laughed and offered to show me pictures of her two kids, thinking that might make it more real for me.
We finally talked about my reactions to couples therapy on Monday with her and M. Once again L gets it and understands. We threw out some ideas on why I'm having such a reaction. Part of it is me not wanting to share L. Part of it is me feeling uncomfortable with the dynamic. I'm not sure who may alliance is with, although I certainly don't feel like I'm put in the middle. It's just that with L I've shared so many secrets and feelings and in some way I feel like I'm keeping things from M, and I don't like that. Secrets make me crazy and M and I have always had a good, open relationship.
During our 2 couples sessions I've continued to 'hover' over the conversation and not truly be part of it. It's like I'm just watching the event and analysing it, and my reactions, but never truly participating. L says she can see that.
We discussed a little bit about the possibility of seeing someone else for couples therapy, but I hate the idea, although it makes sense at the same time. L thinks that M and I know what we need to focus on so she thinks if we see someone and clearly state what's going on it might move things along quicker, and it won't be fraught with all this therapy-transference crap.
Totally makes sense, yet I still hate it.
I also was able to talk to her about feeling angry towards during our last couples session. Not sure why, maybe it's the I-hate-sharing-her part, but it was weird, and certainly added to my feelings of keeping my distance.
On the upside I was able to talk to M about it tonight. She's smart, she knew something wasn't right regarding the couples stuff, but she as much as she pushed me for info a couple of weeks ago, she also knew I needed my space and that eventually I would tell her. As usual, she totally got it.
So we'll see how that goes. L and I are gonna discuss it again on Tuesday. I'm hoping by bringing it out in the open with L and M that maybe my reactions with ease and we can still do this couples-thing with L.
I texted her a few hours later asking her to help me next time to get up the nerve to ask for a hug. She replied later with a 'sounds good'.
I still can't believe she doesn't find me weird.