Monday, September 26, 2011

So once again, I'm a bit all over the place.  Just to preface this therapy-rant with real life stuff, my job totally, and I mean TOTALLY,  sucks!!  I know I should be happy I have a job, and I make a decent salary, and I can somewhat come-and-go as I please, but a series of events of the past year have really sucked the life out of me, and any pride that I had was stripped of me last Friday. 

I have been very lucky that in my career I have had good/great bosses and even mentors.  But I met my match when I started at this company over 4 years ago.  Basically it's been a hate-hate relationship with this woman that I'll call CD (short for Cruella Deville) since the day I started.  Fortunately for the first three years I never reported into her organization.  But then a layoff and a reorg last November changed all that for me.  I was now reporting directly in to her. 

I won't  clog up this blog with crap about my life-and-times with this bitch (sorry, but there really is no other word), but the events from last Friday have certainly but a spin to my entire outlook on work and life in general.

On the upside, and it couldn't have happened at a better time, we had a really good meeting/conversation with a woman who's business we are looking to buy.  It's actually a business that her and her husband have run/owned for over 20 years and they are now retiring.  It's something I've wanted to do since I was 20 years old but the opportunity was never quit right, until now.....I hope!!!!

The business, at the moment, is seasonal, so they are just finishing up their season, and then they'll take the next month to get all their paperwork in order, and then we can start talking $$$$$.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but given what's transpired for me over the last week I feel like it's my last resort.  And I definitely don't want to be negotiating from a 'needy/vulnerable' place.

And one last non-therapy rant, our adoption stuff is really moving forward, and fairly quickly now too.  Our official home study should be complete within the next week or to, and then the fun really begins.  We actually went to an adoption 'party' over the weekend and there were two sisters, ages 2 and 11 that we were very interested in.  It's such a weird process, this whole adoption, picking-a-child thing.

So now for the therapy-related rant.  M and I met again with L today for couple's counseling.  Given all the things going on in our life, and the work crap that happened on Friday, it was a good time for a session, and overall it went well.  But something was going through my head the whole time. 

I would be looking at L (something I don't normally do during my individual sessions) and I was feeling some anger towards her.  I'm sure part of it had to do with the topic.  The work-crap has really sent me for a loop and it's eating away at me.  M and L both wanted to talk about it, but I'm still licking my wounds, and I just wanted to continue withdrawing, so I didn't want to talk about it. 

And it wasn't that they were ganging up on me, they were just trying to get me to stop beating myself up.  But for some reason there was this 'loop' running through my head.  Maybe it was that the two of them were siding on something?  Maybe I was jealous?  Not sure.  Maybe I don't like sharing?  Maybe I don't like sharing L? ......or sharing M? ......or sharing myself?

I just don't know.  It's just weird.

It's like for me, couples counseling is not just about M and I, it's some sort of weird triangle-thing?  Does that even make sense? 

I also know that it wouldn't work if M and I saw a different counselor.  L just knows so much about me, and how I operate.  I'm not big on the whole trust-thing, and I'm not much of a talker, so starting from scratch with a new counselor just wouldn't work.

I see L in the morning, and I'm sure we'll discuss this, somehow.  But at the same time I'm still feeling pissed at her and I just want to take my ball and go home.


  1. most therapists won't see a couple where they have an ongoing relationship with an individual person, for the very reasons you are observing. the potential for triangles is so problematic. i know you say you are not ready to start couples counseling with a new person but please keep an open mind about it. in the meantime, def. bring it up next time you see her. keep talking until you feel heard.

  2. I know what you mean catherine, and I had some concerns before we started couples counseling. Mostly I felt like they were somewhat 'normal' concerns so I talked about them with L. But now I'm getting some unplanned/unexpected reactions.

  3. I'm often angry with my T, whom I like a lot BTW. It's like grist for the mill....I say how I'm feeling, and we work with that. It's very illuminating. Feelings are definitely not rational.

    My sympathies on the CD problem. Good moniker :-) This is not going to be comforting, but I've found there are some bosses I cannot work for. I've had such a boss also, and it was hell.