Met with L this morning; it went pretty well.  Oddly enough I think today was the first time that I really, really didn't want to go, and I don't think it was cause I wanted to avoid something.  Normally I feel lots of things about seeing L, anxiety, longing, trepidation, craving...etc, but never do I truly not want to see her.  And it wasn't that I didn't want to see her specifically, but I would have rather stayed in bed. 

But I did go and I feel ok about it.  Part of feeling ok about it is that we talked about a lot of things, and that I get to see her again tomorrow night and then again on Friday.  Although seeing her two more times this week is sort of a double-edged sword as well.

Tomorrow night my partner M and I go to see L for our first attempt at couples therapy, and I am VERY nervous.  I've never been to couples therapy so I'm not sure what to expect.  I'm normally uncomfortable arguing, and now we'll have a referee.  And I know that we won't necessarily be arguing, but hopefully learning some new ways of communicating, but it's still hard.  Here's what I'm afraid of:

• L will now see me in a different light.  Maybe I'm not the person she thinks I am.  Maybe I'm self-centered or uncaring.  Maybe I'm only concerned about my crap.
• Maybe L will take my side too often and M will feel unsupported
• What if L thinks M and I aren't compatible.  I have friends with whom I question there choice of spouses, will she question mine?
• What if M and I can't find middle ground?
• What if I feel jealous of the support that L gives M?

So I got that going for me.

We also talked, again, about changing my meds.  My moods continue to be hard to handle.  I wake up simply tired and not looking forward to much.  I am very conscious about just trying to make it through the day.

Right now I'm on Paxil, but L is suggesting maybe a switch to Prozac.  So yesterday I did actually call my doctor to make an appointment to review my meds.  M has been after me to go to have some blood work done so I'll kill two birds with one visit.  Maybe I have an iron deficiency or maybe something with my thyroid.  Unfortunately now that I've talked myself into going, I can't actually get an appointment for two weeks.  So in the mean time L is going to give me a name of a homeopathic doctor to see.  I've never seen that type of physician before, but I figure I'll give it a try.