But I did go and I feel ok about it. Part of feeling ok about it is that we talked about a lot of things, and that I get to see her again tomorrow night and then again on Friday. Although seeing her two more times this week is sort of a double-edged sword as well.
Tomorrow night my partner M and I go to see L for our first attempt at couples therapy, and I am VERY nervous. I've never been to couples therapy so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm normally uncomfortable arguing, and now we'll have a referee. And I know that we won't necessarily be arguing, but hopefully learning some new ways of communicating, but it's still hard. Here's what I'm afraid of:
- L will now see me in a different light. Maybe I'm not the person she thinks I am. Maybe I'm self-centered or uncaring. Maybe I'm only concerned about my crap.
- Maybe L will take my side too often and M will feel unsupported
- What if L thinks M and I aren't compatible. I have friends with whom I question there choice of spouses, will she question mine?
- What if M and I can't find middle ground?
- What if I feel jealous of the support that L gives M?
We also talked, again, about changing my meds. My moods continue to be hard to handle. I wake up simply tired and not looking forward to much. I am very conscious about just trying to make it through the day.
Right now I'm on Paxil, but L is suggesting maybe a switch to Prozac. So yesterday I did actually call my doctor to make an appointment to review my meds. M has been after me to go to have some blood work done so I'll kill two birds with one visit. Maybe I have an iron deficiency or maybe something with my thyroid. Unfortunately now that I've talked myself into going, I can't actually get an appointment for two weeks. So in the mean time L is going to give me a name of a homeopathic doctor to see. I've never seen that type of physician before, but I figure I'll give it a try.