Thursday, September 15, 2011

Normally (like I even know what that word means??!!!) I would have tried to just 'ramble' about this mornings session in my journal.  Not really worrying about whether or not it made sense, especially knowing that nobody but me would be reading it.  But now that I've only been journaling online I do try and make some sense or provide some explanation of what I'm writing.  Not that I'm always successful with that, but I do worry about it......but I'm not going to do that for this post.  I'm not sure what's really going on in my head, so I just need to 'throw up' for this post and see if anything makes sense.  And it may not.

I felt in someways we, or maybe I was going round-and-round.  Much like the fight that M and I had on Saturday.  With her I kept trying to figure out the 'root' of the issue.  Why we're having the argument?  What was the real problem?

So, if I turn that on myself, what was my real issue today?  Why did I get defensive at times?  Am I choosing to stay depressed?

What did I want?  What did I want from her?

Is it a pity-party of one?

Things seemed to have changed or shifted a bit since M and I met you the other day for couples counseling.  It was a bit strange for me, and I was a different person.  I actually looked at you when you talked, normally I stare at the rug.  During most of our session it was like an out-of-body experience for me.  I was just floating and watching what was going on.  Strange.

However, at the end, after M and I left I felt lighter.  M and L mostly talked because they needed to get to know each other, which I wanted as well.  But I felt like we accomplished something, like we were able to clear the air a bit, like we were able to release some of the weight that we carry.

But seeing L differently has been strange for me to handle. It's like I finally saw her like a 'normal' person and I've sort of stopped obsessing about her.  Now, you would think I would be happy with that, it's what I've always wanted.  But oddly enough it's felt like a loss, like it's something that I need to grieve.  Good thing normal was not my goal.....


  1. I quite enjoy your 'throw up' posts - it is something that's familiar to me. I do that often.

    The dynamic between a therapist and a client (sounds so cold, eh?) changes constantly. Our needs change, we bring others into the picture, etc. And it most definitely feels like a loss because it's changing. For me, change of any kind takes a great deal of adjustment.

    I hope that you're able to find your place and feelings within this.

  2. Thanks so much for your feedback Amanda, it really helps.