Monday, September 19, 2011

I'm hoping that some of the depression has lifted, at list a bit.  I've started running again, although I did blow it off this morning.  I'm seeing my primary care physician this week to talk about changing my meds.  I'm on Paxil now but L is recommending Prozac, so we'll see how that goes.

I saw L on Friday.  It has really helped seeing her twice a week lately.  Not only has it helped with the in-between session angst, but this past week I've also noticed a switch in my obsessional thoughts about therapy and about L.  It took a while but I was able to talk about it with her. 

I'm still so embarrassed and ashamed about my strong feelings towards her.  Normally I think about her quite often during the day.  I told her that she's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.  And quite often I like to think her and being in her office, it gives me some comfort.  But this past week or so there has been a shift.

I think it first started when my partner M and I saw her together for couples counseling the other day.  It's not that I have L up on a pedestal, sort of, but it's like I experienced her as a 'normal' person.  Maybe because the intensity of the session has more to do with M and I, than with L and I?  Not sure, but I did feel a little sad about it, like I was losing something.  And at the same time I was OK with it. Strange

Then after that, I found myself not thinking about L and therapy 24 x 7.  In fact, I couldn't even force myself to think about it.  I was too busy living my real life.  Again, it felt good, and strange, and at the same time it felt like a loss.

I also told L that I had a strange desire to text her the other day and ask her if she was moving.  During our previous session she was talking about her youngest child who is now 17.  For some reason I got it in my head that her daughter will be going to college soon, and that L will probably sell her house and move.  Obviously L never indicated those things but apparently I have an active imagination.  I didn't text L the question, but I did bring it up in session.  She assured me (again!!) that she wasn't going anywhere.

After I left L, I texted her this later on in the day 'I wonder if I'm scared of losing you both physically(by moving) and mentally(stopping the OCD thoughts)?  Ya, I know what you're gonna say (cause I can read minds) You're not going anywhere....blah, blah, blah.  I just wonder will I always be this weird?  Thanks for today'

M and I, along with our 5 year old daughter, met the adoption social work on Friday.  It was our first official 'home visit' and it went well. When the social worker left she said that she wants to finish up this portion of the adoption process quick cause she really wants us to get a child.  That made our daughter very, very happy. 


  1. Glad you're feeling a bit better NWNMG. I kind of know what you mean about obsessing about therapy, then missing it (the obsession) when it stops. I also think about my T a lot, and the reasons change. Right now I find thinking of him makes me feel more secure, as if one person at least likes me despite everything. I've had times where he has become more of a 'regular human', and then I missed the specialness. It sounds similar to you.

    Imagination is quite the thing sometimes...we can tell ourselves the craziest stories. Glad the adoption is progressing for you.

  2. Thanks for sharing. Can understand about you t. struggles. Especially when it is usually our t. the one listening to our deepest struggles in our core. There is such an amount of trust.