The anxiety attacks concerning work continue and it's really frustrating the hell out of me. Why is affecting me so much? Right to the core. I no longer believe what I used to believe about myself. I would never label myself a type 'A' personality as it pertains to work, but I always held the strong belief that I was good, in fact very good at what I do. Certainly not perfect, but I always thought, in my heart, that I did things for the right reasons. Even when I started down a maybe less-than-professional response to a situation, I usually was able to weigh the approach and know when I was just being vengeful versus doing what was right for the company.
I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I wake at about 1:30am and my mind starts racing. At least the movie selection at the hour is pretty good, so I'm seeing movies that I've never seen, or ones that I really enjoy. I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other night. I actually don't like the movie very much, but because I really LOVED the book, and enjoy Julia Roberts, I keep trying to like to movie. It's certainly not a horrible movie but it doesn't really capture the essense of the book.
I also found myself at lowpoint by watching a stupid Katherine Keigl movie. I sort of liked her in Grey's Anatomy but she certainly isn't a leading lady, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not even sure I would consider her beautiful. I guess she is, but she doesn't have a certain quality. Actually I guess that quality really isn't an external one, it's an internal one, and I don't see that in her.
Not sure when I decided that I was such a movie critic, but this just goes to show you how much this stupid work crap is getting to me.
Yesterday I continued to be all over the place. I go from wallowing in self pity to tipping the car wash guy $10. I walked in the house last night, gave my wife a hello/goodbye hug, started crying on her shoulder, then turned around and was the proud mom at my daughters swimming class.
I'm really turning into a freak and I can't seem to stop it. And embarrasingly, it's all over my job. My stupid-ass job. How can that be?
I saw my PCP last week to talk about changing my meds. She changed it from Paxil to Prozac and she gave me some Ativan in case I wanted them for my anxiety attacks. I didn't ask her for them and I actually baulked at them when she offered them. But she said to take them even if I never used them. She called it 'insurance' and said that some patients just feel better knowing they have options even if they never take them. So I figured that's what I would do. But I think I'm ready to cash in that policy.
Last night I so wanted to take the Ativan. I could feel the anxiety, both mentally and physically rising. However, as M was working I worried that about the affects on my daughter. What if she needed me and I wasn't able to help her? What kind of parent takes something like Ativan when you're the one in charge?
As a former social/heavy drug user I'm sure I'm assuming the worse affects from the drug. So there I was struggling with these stupid attacks and driving myself even crazier in trying to figure out a course of action.
Oh, and in between all this I'm hating L. I was a nut yesterday at therapy, just all over the place. Maybe even a little combative. I just getting a little frustrated at her glass-is-half-full outlook on life, especially when I'm in the middle of planning a murder (see previous post about CD). But I texted her yesterday afternoon and she never replied until after I had fallen asleep last night. Now if I were in my right mind (probably around 1978 or so) I would obviously understand and not take it personally. Especially where she's been amazingly supportive and available. But somehow that didn't matter last night, and still doesn't today. I even sent her a less-than-delightful text at about 3:30 this morning. Still no response.
I know I'm crazy, so please no need to remind me.
Here's our text exchange from last Friday, at her request she had asked me to let her know how a meeting with my managment on Friday afternoon went:
M: They've reorged my group and I've been demoted.
L: I'm so sorry
M: Not sure what to do with myself actually, maybe this is where the ativan comes in
L: Ativan could work buy why don't you just go home
Do you have to go to your afternoon meetings?
Wouldn't your superiors understand this is a major blow and you need the afternoon off
M: Cancelled the rest of my meetings, may leave, but honestly where would I go? It's one of those 'whereever you go, I'm still there', can't get rid of myself....sorry just feeling crappy right now
L: Go home and be with your family and let them take care of you
M: I hear ya, but just need to be left alone for awhile
L: Do not be sorry you have the right to feel crappy
M: I'm just f'ing sick of feeling crappy, getting sick of myself
L: I understand so try something differen pack your bags and go up north for the weekend, you have been well aware that you are not able to make something work at this job. This kind of shit happens in life don't let their poor management be a reflection of you, too many years of jobs well done your history is rich. Isolation yourself and shutting yourself down has not worked in the past, get your faiy and go away for the weekend, there's plenty of time next week to freak out
M: Thanks, I just don't know what to say. I need to figure it out myself for now
L: Okay, fair enough I'm here if you need to talk
M: Thanks, I really appreciate your support. Left work and I'm just gonna drive around for a while
Later Friday evening I get this text:
L: Hope that you're ok
M: I'm ok, thanks for asking. met with the adoption worker tonight so that was a good distraction. just realy wiped right now
L: Glad your home thanks for letting me know you're ok
M: Remind me the next time that I hate you that I really don't.......but you still can't date
I couldn't have asked for a more supportive therapist, but I still direct my anger at her, why? And I need to hear more than "Maybe because you feel safe in doing so".....such psycho-babble.
And I need to understand why this work stuff has caused me to come completely undone.
If you've last this long, sorry for the rant.