Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I'm not quite sure how I feel after today's session. Maybe I sort of went thru the motions today, but didn't really connect?  Not sure if that's really accurate.  I was able to tell her something that had been on my mind for a while.  Something very personnel and embarrassing, and I even gave her a hug at the end, one in which I initiated, but still I feel a little distant, or maybe I'm just a bit drained.

Why can't I just sit there and tell her anything and everything?

I'm jealous of her. She showed me a picture of her house today and of course it's awesome.  An old 1800 Victorian house in a well to-do suburb of New England.  She's selling it and renovating a house in a very cool part of the city. What's not to be jealous of?

She's a runner, very fit.

She knows many 'famous' people, mostly 80's rock 'n roll stars.

She has good close relationships and a strong bond with her two children.

I'm jealous of her friends.  She said we could be Facebook friends.  As much as I would LOVE that I think it may drive me crazy too.

I think I'm mostly jealous of how she carries herself.  Very self assured, not cocky just confident.  Very generous and open. I can ask her anything and she would answer it.  She has the most positive outlook of anyone I've ever met.

We've talked about her husband's death a couple of times.  When I first started seeing her I Googled her name and her husband's obituary came up, along with the newspaper article about the car accident he was killed in.  I was embarrassed having this information about her, but also felt an overwhelming sense of grief her.  She had two young children at the time and I would often wonder how she got through such an unimaginable event.  I finally had to confess to her that I knew this info.  It was maybe one of the only times I cried in her office, mostly because I was pained that she and her family had lost a husband and a father.

I tossed and turned all last night (but who's kidding, I do that most nights!) Am I angry at her again?  Does she share too much with me?  She also told me at the end of our session yesterday that she wouldn't be around next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday next week.  I immediately asked her where she was going and she told me she was going to New York to celebrate a friends birthday.  Jealous again.

Why?  I'm not jealous of other people and their lives.  I know that I have a pretty good life and many are envious of the life changes we've undertaken over the past couple of years.  Maybe I'm jealous because L appears to be pretty set financially, and I am struggling in that area right now.

We also talked about S.E.X. yesterday too.  I can't believe I finally told her that it's another area of her life that I have her on a pedestal.  I also know that part of my jealousy of her is that my partner and I have struggled with intimacy and we've only just started to work through it.  I told L yesterday that during the week when I wonder what she's doing I always assume that she's having great sex!  I know how stupid/funny/silly that is, and I know logically why I think it, but it's still bother some.  I can't believe I actually shared that with her.  Of course in her most perfect response, she thanked me for putting that sort of Karma out there and maybe the universe will hear me!!!

She told me that because we won't see each other til the end of next week she expects lots of texts from me. She said, as she has always said, that I can text her anything and as much as I want.  She may not always get a chance to respond, but she will if she can.  She wants me to be able to keep the connection to her in between sessions and usually texting helps me.  Before we moved, two hours away and I had money to burn I used to see L twice a week.  It was very helpful.  I didn't loose connection to her and I was able to move through some life changing events.  I know we can't do twice a week again, but the texting can help. \

Unfortunately I fight the urge to text her.  I don't want to need her.  I'm often stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I text her and damned if I don't.

There's so much running around in my head right now.......


  1. I was glad to read this ... that although you have things swirling in your head, it sounds like you had a good session overall. You two have seemed to touch base on a handful of important topics, and I'm glad you were able to speak what was on your mind and heart. I'm glad you were able to be honest and open. It's not easy ... that, I know!

    Text her ... so so much if you feel you want to. I know it's hard to believe that she's speaking the truth (in that you can go ahead and do it), but it feels like she understands and knows that this is a way for you two to stay connected. I know that she wants to stay connected to you.

    Thinking of you, as always :)

    1. Thanks Manda, I'm still struggling with these feelings of jealousy, I'm trying to put a positive spin on it, but I'm just not feeling it!
      Having texted her yet, don't really have much to say to her right now, but hopefully I get some of it straightened out in my head soon.

    2. Jealousy is such a tricky thing ... and I understand it in therapy. I'd be incredibly jealous of the life she gets to live too, if I were to see it in the way that you are. My jealousy is often on the opposite side - I've been jealous of her friends and family members, the people who get to spend time with her. And then she reminds me that she doesn't have time in her life for even those people, even though she wishes she did.

      I have a question to ask you - more like I am in need of some advice from someone who is on a similar therapy journey as myself, but can't find your email address. Would you mind emailing me when you have a moment?

      I hope you're having a good weekend :)

  2. Oh boy, I could have written this post. Especially this part:

    "I told L yesterday that during the week when I wonder what she's doing I always assume that she's having great sex!"

    The only difference between you and me is I've never told her that's what I'm thinking! It has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with HER and everything to do with putting her and her life on a pedestel.

    From you post, I wonder if we share the same therapist... ;)

    I appreciate your honesty and candor and look forward to reading more from you!

    1. Thanks Anonymous, it's great to hear that there are other 'crazies' out there too!!! Although I'm not sure how I feel about sharing my therapist with you,but she is great