I'm so damn predictable. I contacted L via text and I have an appointment Wednesday afternoon. Now the usual question......to go, or not to go??
Of course I've been playing it over and over in my head so I thought I throw up all these thoughts via this blog and see what sticks!
Not in a particular order:
My 'go to' reaction is to go, but not talk. I would do that to 'punish' her. And yes of course that's what I did as a kid to 'punish' my mother. I would just shut down and crawl into my self. I guess it worked then, although I'm not really sure. I know it drove her crazy (maybe even literally!!!) but other than that I'm not sure if it served me well.
So fast forward 40-something years later and the question still remains the same, does shutting down and crawling into myself serve me well?? ( man, I've been in therapy way toooooo long)
That's actually a complicated question, or maybe it's just the answer that's complicated.
It's something to do with power, or maybe it's just 'perceived' power (another example of way too much therapy!). If I actually talk with L and tell her what's going on then I would most likely feel better. I'm sure I'd feel a good connection with her and it would carry me through the week (or is that 'weak'?). But in thinking about it I'm afraid that I would be giving up something, or losing something. I guess that's where the power comes in. Although I'm not really clear on what that actually means.
I also hate this situation that I constantly find myself in. I resent her in some way. She'll say all the right things, assure me that my feelings aren't weird and it's ok for me to want to connect with her. But it's one way. Although I know she'll say it's not. But there is a power in-balance and she's got most of it.
Still need to think about this a lot more.......or maybe I need to actually talk about this........nah!!!!!