Sunday, January 5, 2014

I'm so damn predictable.  I contacted L via text and I have an appointment Wednesday afternoon.  Now the usual go, or not to go??

Of course I've been playing it over and over in my head so I thought I throw up all these thoughts via this blog and see what sticks!

Not in a particular order:

My 'go to' reaction is to go, but not talk.  I would do that to 'punish' her.  And yes of course that's what I did as a kid to 'punish' my mother.  I would just shut down and crawl into my self.  I guess it worked then, although I'm not really sure.  I know it drove her crazy (maybe even literally!!!) but other than that I'm not sure if it served me well.

So fast forward 40-something years later and the question still remains the same, does shutting down and crawling into myself serve me well?? ( man, I've been in therapy way toooooo long)

That's actually a complicated question, or maybe it's just the answer that's complicated.

It's something to do with power, or maybe it's just 'perceived' power (another example of way too much therapy!). If I actually talk with L and tell her what's going on then I would most likely feel better.  I'm sure I'd feel a good connection with her and it would carry me through the week (or is that 'weak'?). But in thinking about it I'm afraid that I would be giving up something, or losing something.  I guess that's where the power comes in.  Although I'm not really clear on what that actually means.

I also hate this situation that I constantly find myself in.  I resent her in some way. She'll say all the right things, assure me that my feelings aren't weird and it's ok for me to want to connect with her. But it's one way.  Although I know she'll say it's not.  But there is a power in-balance and she's got most of it.

Still need to think about this a lot more.......or maybe I need to actually talk about this........nah!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hello :)

    I read this (and the last two posts) and I feel as though you know the answer to your question - and that you know what you should or need to do ... and so I can't offer any advice to that ;)

    I'm familiar with your struggle, though. And I think it will be important for you to verbalize to her all that you've said here. Tell her of your struggle, that you want to cancel on her and punish her, that you were/are hurt.

    I know that the conversation won't be easy, and perhaps you'll instead need to copy and paste this post into a document and bring it along (there are many times that I stick it in my phone and simply hand it over to Daisy).

    Be brave ... speak the words (or show the words), and remember that you'll be able to figure it all out only when the words don't sit in your body any longer. You can make this conversation appear - you articulate yourself incredibly well.

    Know that I'm holding your hand in this :)