Thursday, January 9, 2014

I can't remember if she asked 'What would a perfect session look like to you?' or if she asked more along the lines of  "How would you like our relationship to look like?'.  Both similar yet very different. Maybe I'll give each some thought.  I'm not sure but I think they were just 'million dollar'-like questions (e.g. If you won a million dollars and could do whatever you wanted what would it be? or If your life was perfect what would it look like?) but she also said she'd be willing to try anything (I'm sure she meant 'almost' anything!!)

Thinking about these questions this morning I was also wondering what would it take for me to trust her, to believe she won't abandon me? Maybe it's not one answer, or even a set of answers, but something that has to be grown?  But how, and with what? I still can't see it clearly.  It's scary to think that I don't have an answer for that.

I was also thinking about my daughter this morning and how would I answer if she asked 'What would it take for me to trust you mom?' And strangely I don't have an answer for her either, it's just something that I know.  The love I have for her cannot come from anyone else but me.  And as much as I want her to know that I will always be there for her there really is no way, that I can think of to 'prove' it to her.

So is a simple answer that I just must believe? And if it's so simple why is it so hard? What is this so-called 'power' that I fear losing?

Could I dare ask for a session in her house? To see where she lives and to get a glimpse of her most personal self. Would that be part of my million dollar answer?  To be able to share in a tangible way some of her?  To sit on her couch and talk in a connected, intimate way? To really let down my walls.

It also occurred to me that as much as I want her to feel towards me the same way I feel towards my daughter, I know (or almost know) that she can't. It's not her fault, it's not that she could if she really wanted to, or even if she just tried harder! But it's simply not possible.  Hard to be angry at her for that (although I'm giving it a good run!)

It also occurred to me yesterday that I don't want to cross into a friendship (not that it's an option).  I need her to be my therapist right now.  But also hope that it morphs into something else, or maybe it's morphing now? To be comfortable with the ebb and flow?

Such ramblings today, I'm in a weird place and I'm trying to be comfortable with it.

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