Having trouble finding meaning lately, meaning in life. I know that's probably at bit heady but it's where I'm at. Maybe it's the significant losses lately. First my mom in April, and then the sudden death of my 15 month old nephew in June. Or maybe cause I'm turning 49 in a few days. Or maybe it's cause L is away, out of the country, for 3 weeks. I just don't know. Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's not. Crap.
Everything feels so forced lately. although I guess I should be glad that atleast I still have the ability to make myself do things. A former T once said to me "Sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it". I'm not sure I really believe that (didn't really click with her) but I wonder if it's true right now for me. I've been able to force myself back to running, although technically it may be more of a 'fast walk' than a 'run' right now, but I'm getting there. And I think the running has been helping my sleep. I had been taking Ativan every night for a while now, but I've only taken it once this past week, and then was to get me through some anxiety about L leaving.
I've also been very mindful of being sure I spend time with my daughter and partner. That too has been sort of forced, and sometimes I still cave in to 'going for a nap', but I've still been planning 'adventures' for us. There's so much to do outside where we live now so I'm pushing us to go floating along a local river, driving up Mount Washington, stopping and climbing the rocks by a waterfall, kayaking, ziplining...etc. I think it's helped my mood, but I wish it wasn't so hard.
I've even been playing the game of 'being thankful for all I have', but it still doesn't feel authentic to me. I know I really do have so much to be grateful for, and I am, but it's still not enough to lift me from this funk, if in fact if really is a funk.