Monday, July 21, 2014

Having trouble finding meaning lately, meaning in life.  I know that's probably at bit heady but it's where I'm at.  Maybe it's the significant losses lately.  First my mom in April, and then the sudden death of my 15 month old nephew in June. Or maybe cause I'm turning 49 in a few days. Or maybe it's cause L is away, out of the country, for 3 weeks. I just don't know.  Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's not.  Crap.

Everything feels so forced lately. although I guess I should be glad that atleast I still have the ability to make myself do things.  A former T once said to me "Sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it".  I'm not sure I really believe that (didn't really click with her) but I wonder if it's true right now for me.  I've been able to force myself back to running, although technically it may be more of a 'fast walk' than a 'run' right now, but I'm getting there. And I think the running has been helping my sleep.  I had been taking Ativan every night for a while now, but I've only taken it once this past week, and then was to get me through some anxiety about L leaving.

I've also been very mindful of being sure I spend time with my daughter and partner.  That too has been sort of forced, and sometimes I still cave in to 'going for a nap', but I've still been planning 'adventures' for us.  There's so much to do outside where we live now so I'm pushing us to go floating along a local river, driving up Mount Washington, stopping and climbing the rocks by a waterfall, kayaking, ziplining...etc.  I think it's helped my mood, but I wish it wasn't so hard.

I've even been playing the game of 'being thankful for all I have', but it still doesn't feel authentic to me.  I know I really do have so much to be grateful for, and I am, but it's still not enough to lift me from this funk, if in fact if really is a funk.

1 comment:

  1. First, Happy Birthday :) I'm assuming it has come about by now. I hope you and your family were able to do something to celebrate the greatness that is you!

    Second, it sounds like you're grieving and trying to piece together many things while you've lost so many people. I'm including L in this, of course.

    I'm glad you were able to get out and continue to do some things that are enjoyable for you and your family, even if it's hard. I hope that feelings will follow along. I know it's hard until it all actually connects.

    Also allow yourself to be in a funk if you feel it. By forcing yourself to be "on" and "up" all the time will do no one any good. Take some time for yourself too, to hide away or whatever it is that you need to do to recharge your batteries, without forcing yourself to do it.

    Thinking of you, my friend, from a continent away. I'm thinking that when I return in a few weeks, a visit is in order before I go back to school. Let's chat about that soon, perhaps. Sending along love and many hugs.