Friday, January 3, 2014

Maybe I'm making too much out of this, or maybe it really is a turning point? Soooooo dramatic on my part!

And if I texted, what would I say?  Just simply "Do you have any time next week?" Do I really need to communicate how I'm feeling in a text?

Maybe she did text me, but I never got it, so now she's waiting for my response?

While writing this out I somehow stopped and convinced myself to text her.  I told myself that I would do it for me, so I could stop having this run through my head, although now I'm not sure it will stop.

She quickly replied back and asked if I wanted to come in on Wednesday, which is usually a day that I would come in, but I can't this week.  So now I've replied that I can't and that I could do Friday.

Unfortunately part of me is screaming inside 'Fuck her, I can't wait til Friday' and 'Fuck her, I'm not gonna wait til Friday, I'm not gonna go at all'.....

I'm sure there's more 'Fuck her' screaming inside and it's just making me feel more sad writing this out.

I don't want to get in to yet another 'pissing' contest via text.  At the same time I don't want to take the high road and act like a grown-up.  I want to hurt her in a way that will convey the hurt I've been feeling the past few days.

I also am aware that the hurt I've been feeling has all been made up, I've construed it, I've constructed it.

I know it's childish but I want to text her 'did you forget about me?' or 'were you ever going to reach out to me?'

Feeling like crawling under a rock right now.  Or atleast under some warm blankets.

I'm embarrassed to even post this, but I need to let it go.  Throw it out and see how it comes back to me.

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