I need to get past this 'trust' issue if I'm going to be able to go any further. I was going to write 'further with L', but I know it's more than that. It starts with her and then I know it will grow with others. I've seen it, I've experienced it, I just need to figure out how to be much better at it. And when I falter or doubt rears it's ugly head I need to commit to moving thru it.
I've googled a bit on 'how to trust' and it's been a little helpful. More just tidbits of antidotes. Maybe it's more like dieting. You can read all about it and study different approaches and ideas but the fact isay
I've also tired to take a step back and maybe look at it another way. Like 'Why would she lie to me? What's in it for her?' I'm hoping my not being able to come up with a reasonable response will helped my twisted-thinking.
L texted me last night. I was at the shop, working a long day. In fact it had been a long, weird day. It was busy, not from a making money perspective, but more from various folks coming in and staying for long, strange, all-over-the-place conversations. By most accounts it was fun. At one point I had been laughing with a customer so much that my cheeks hurt. However, as I enjoyed talking with everyone and the different stories and topics we covered, it still is work for me. Not just the serving of soups and ice cream, but engaging and entertaining customers. It can sort of exhaust me. It's kind of like going to a party and having to put your party-face on.
Anyway, my phone dinged with L's text, I was a but surprised (in a good way) but I was also a bit worn, but also feeling good from the connections and conversations I had been having. Here's pretty much how our conversation went:
L: Are you thinking about talking and how that might be a good alternative?
Me: A good alternative to what? (I started off by being a bit of a wise-ass, feeling a little manicy maybe?)
L: To keeping everything all inside and not getting any human response to your thoughts
Me: What I can't figure out is how to trust you...........I don't know how to.
L: I will keep trying
Me: Thanks, and this text from you would be enough for most people to believe you, but I don't think there's anything you can do, which makes me sad.
Me: Cause I really want to
Me: Except when I don't want to, and then you're on your own
I then texted that I had been thinking about something that she had told me about during our session and that I wish I had paid more attention to her during it, but at that moment I was in my own little world.
Me: Thanks for checking in, amongst the millions of thoughts that were racing thru my head today I was trying to figure out how to get back to seeing you twice a week again. it's not possible, for a number of reasons, but the in between texting helps. And being thought of by you means a lot too. If I could only bottle it.
L: I'll buy a bottle manufacturing company.