I need to get past this 'trust' issue if I'm going to be able to go any further. I was going to write 'further with L', but I know it's more than that. It starts with her and then I know it will grow with others. I've seen it, I've experienced it, I just need to figure out how to be much better at it. And when I falter or doubt rears it's ugly head I need to commit to moving thru it.
I've googled a bit on 'how to trust' and it's been a little helpful. More just tidbits of antidotes. Maybe it's more like dieting. You can read all about it and study different approaches and ideas but the fact isay
I've also tired to take a step back and maybe look at it another way. Like 'Why would she lie to me? What's in it for her?' I'm hoping my not being able to come up with a reasonable response will helped my twisted-thinking.
L texted me last night. I was at the shop, working a long day. In fact it had been a long, weird day. It was busy, not from a making money perspective, but more from various folks coming in and staying for long, strange, all-over-the-place conversations. By most accounts it was fun. At one point I had been laughing with a customer so much that my cheeks hurt. However, as I enjoyed talking with everyone and the different stories and topics we covered, it still is work for me. Not just the serving of soups and ice cream, but engaging and entertaining customers. It can sort of exhaust me. It's kind of like going to a party and having to put your party-face on.
Anyway, my phone dinged with L's text, I was a but surprised (in a good way) but I was also a bit worn, but also feeling good from the connections and conversations I had been having. Here's pretty much how our conversation went:
L: Are you thinking about talking and how that might be a good alternative?
Me: A good alternative to what? (I started off by being a bit of a wise-ass, feeling a little manicy maybe?)
L: To keeping everything all inside and not getting any human response to your thoughts
Me: What I can't figure out is how to trust you...........I don't know how to.
L: I will keep trying
Me: Thanks, and this text from you would be enough for most people to believe you, but I don't think there's anything you can do, which makes me sad.
Me: Cause I really want to
Me: Except when I don't want to, and then you're on your own
I then texted that I had been thinking about something that she had told me about during our session and that I wish I had paid more attention to her during it, but at that moment I was in my own little world.
Then finally:
Me: Thanks for checking in, amongst the millions of thoughts that were racing thru my head today I was trying to figure out how to get back to seeing you twice a week again. it's not possible, for a number of reasons, but the in between texting helps. And being thought of by you means a lot too. If I could only bottle it.
L: I'll buy a bottle manufacturing company.
I've been here, reading, and following along. And I must admit to you that for a bit, I became incredibly jealous. It may or may not have lasted for a handful of days, hence the lack of comments ;)
ReplyDeleteIt was definitely my own thing ... and very much, "she gets to keep her therapist. why can't I keep mine?" And yes, I know I am making this choice on my own ... but this is neither here nor there!
Trust is hard, especially when it's been broken early on in our lives. Perhaps you can chat with L about ways to practice trusting her. Ask her what would help you two form a connection in that way.
You're not alone on this path, and I struggled in trusting Daisy when I returned a few years ago - and we went back and forth so much. And one day, it all became okay. It was when I was able to tell her how badly she hurt me, which was in part, explaining how badly my mother hurt me. (The post is here: http://therapyaddict.blogspot.com/2011/09/overwhelmingly-unsure.html)
I hate that you're in this spot, but I know it's necessary for you to be here. Have you two spoken since?
Hey Mandy, I hope you're doing ok, I know I too am projecting some of my stuff on to you, but it doesn't mean it's not real, for both of us!!!! Boy did that sound like psychobabble or what??!!!!!
ReplyDeleteStill working with L on this relationship/connection/trust-crap. Was able to tell her some more tough stuff today, although I wish I felt better about it.
I wanted to write all week long, I've stopped and started, but nothing coherent was able to come out. Maybe I'll write about today's session.
Please know that I don't always respond to your posts, but I'm always reading them!