Monday, March 10, 2014

I had been trying to finish a post I started a few days ago.  But because there was so much to write about I'm finding it overwhelming to work on at the moment. So in summary.....I just got back from a wonderful 10 day Caribbean cruise, I've only seen L once in the last six weeks, my partner and I have been focused a lot on our intimacy issues lately, although the shop continues to improve, it still is a struggle financially, read a book on vacation called "Love and Loss in Life and in Treatment".

So now with that out of the way, I'm here to say that I'm pretty much out of whack!  Lots of anxiety since I came back from vacation last week and I can't really pinpoint it.  Although I'm thinking it's probably a bunch of things on not one thing in particular.  Lots of texting with L since my session last Wednesday, nearly every day"

Me: Although I wish I had more time with today it was still really good to see you
L: Longer would have been nice it was great to see you and thank you so much for saying so

Me: Sorry, but weird question of the day...are you planning on any upcoming vacations (abandonements) or snow storms?
L: I have a conference I'm going to on the 25th and 26th other than that no plans.  Not a weird question
Me: Well that gives me time to figure out how to squeeze into your suitcase.....feeling like there may be a lot of crazy texts this week.
L: Sorry I got the dates wrong the 19th and 20th is the conference.  Keep coming with more texts.

Me:  Just really wanted to say 'hey!'
L: Hi back, hope your getting back into the swing of things
Me:  Missing the blue water, white sand, and flip flops!  Thanks for being there though, not sure why the anxiety is on the rise but trying not to freak out too much.  See ya Wednesday
L:  Well keep texting if that helps and yes I will see you on Wednesday
Me:  Thanks
L:  My pleasure
Me: Now cut that out!  You make it hard to be angry with you!  I won't know what to do with my self.
L: There are other alternatives to anger
Me: Hmmmm I"ll have to think about that.

Me:  Still lots of anxiety all weekend long.  I know there's not much you can do (and I also know you would if you could) hoping Wednesday will help, maybe I'll talk, maybe I'll even look at you
L: You could consider increasing your medication.  I know that is something that you're not comfortable with but that might be something to think about.  Look forward to seeing you on Wednesday.  Please text if its helpful I'm happy to respond.

Random questions:
  Why do I fight my enjoyment in seeing L?
  Why am I always angry at her? It's like this undercurrent with me.

Guess I really am all over the place.


  1. A cruise!!! I have been dying to go back on one! I'm glad you and your family had a wonderful time!

    As for your questions ... I don't know the answer. Why do you fight your happiness in seeing her? What are you thinking the moment before the thought comes to you?

    (I can only speak for myself - and I had trouble with being happy to be with her. I was always wondering if others thought our relationship was bad or if they were judging it.)

    And who are you similarly angry with in your real life? Is there someone she reminds you of?

    I hope you get to talk with her or see her soon. I'm glad you're able to text though - I'm sure that helps a great deal.

    Thinking of you :)

  2. Just thinking of you and hoping you're well.

    The summer is coming, which means big things for ice cream, I'd think! I'm sure you'll be much busier than you've been!!

  3. Thanks for thinking of me. To be honest it's been rough lately. My mom died 2 weeks ago and it has really knocked me on my arse, and I don't quite understand it. It was a tough couple weeks before her passing, calling in hospice, making some very tough decision, some discord with my brothers and sisters. My mom and I were not that close, I'm sure she must of loved me but she/we had our issues. And although I'm sad she's gone, and what that all means, I think what's really getting to me is this whole 'meaning of life' thing, like why bother we're all just gonna die anyway.
    Sorry to be such a downer, maybe I'll get a chance to blog more about it.

    But it does mean a lot that you checked in, thanks

  4. Hello again ... I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner to check in the comment section. I'm very sorry that you lost your mother. I imagine that any which way, close or not, that it's tough and brings up feelings and emotions towards many things.

    No need to apologize for being a downer. This is real life, and this type of thing happens. We lose people and we are brought into all sorts of new ways.

    Thinking of you constantly ...