I actually am starting to believe (sort of, maybe..) that I can tell L anything. That is an amazing thing.
Some random comments/notes from yesterday, and there was lots of ramblings yesterday:
Told her that I hated that my partner M was going to give L's card to another therapist who was looking for someone in L's town. I told L that I didn't want to share her. I told her that I've finally 'allowed' her to have children, but they were more like cardboard cutouts to me. She laughed and offered to show me pictures of her two kids, thinking that might make it more real for me.
We finally talked about my reactions to couples therapy on Monday with her and M. Once again L gets it and understands. We threw out some ideas on why I'm having such a reaction. Part of it is me not wanting to share L. Part of it is me feeling uncomfortable with the dynamic. I'm not sure who may alliance is with, although I certainly don't feel like I'm put in the middle. It's just that with L I've shared so many secrets and feelings and in some way I feel like I'm keeping things from M, and I don't like that. Secrets make me crazy and M and I have always had a good, open relationship.
During our 2 couples sessions I've continued to 'hover' over the conversation and not truly be part of it. It's like I'm just watching the event and analysing it, and my reactions, but never truly participating. L says she can see that.
We discussed a little bit about the possibility of seeing someone else for couples therapy, but I hate the idea, although it makes sense at the same time. L thinks that M and I know what we need to focus on so she thinks if we see someone and clearly state what's going on it might move things along quicker, and it won't be fraught with all this therapy-transference crap.
Totally makes sense, yet I still hate it.
I also was able to talk to her about feeling angry towards during our last couples session. Not sure why, maybe it's the I-hate-sharing-her part, but it was weird, and certainly added to my feelings of keeping my distance.
On the upside I was able to talk to M about it tonight. She's smart, she knew something wasn't right regarding the couples stuff, but she as much as she pushed me for info a couple of weeks ago, she also knew I needed my space and that eventually I would tell her. As usual, she totally got it.
So we'll see how that goes. L and I are gonna discuss it again on Tuesday. I'm hoping by bringing it out in the open with L and M that maybe my reactions with ease and we can still do this couples-thing with L.
I texted her a few hours later asking her to help me next time to get up the nerve to ask for a hug. She replied later with a 'sounds good'.
I still can't believe she doesn't find me weird.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
How does one communicate, explore, explain, or even understand what happens, and why? I suppose thats what I try to do with this blog (occasionally) but I'm not sure I actually do.
My sessions are typically at 7:30am and there's a certain feel to that hour. The building her office is in is actually an old manufacturing building for horse drawn carriages. It's a brick building with high ceilings, thick wood floors, and odd shape rooms. There's a lot of artists who rent space there which gives it a somewhat funky feel. I think if I were to come back in another life as a building, this would be the type of building I would be.
Once again, at 7:30 in the morning we're usually the only ones in the building, which I like as well. Because a lot of the lights are turned on by motion detectors, much of the building is darkish as I walk through it. Today I wore my favorite Frye boots which are very loud on the wood planked floors of the empty building. An echo of a person that is walking the line followed me.
As I entered the waiting room of her studio she greets me, without actually seeing me, with 'Morning, come on in'. I sometimes stop in the waiting room debating whether to go in or not. I sometimes tease and tell her that I'm going to stay out in the waiting room while she sits her office. Somehow conducting and intimate discussion at a safe distance.
Today I stop in the doorway between the two rooms. I can't quite convince myself that I can do this. That I want to do this. So for the first 15 minutes or so we talk with the office doors wide open and me leaning against the door frame. Sometimes I need a warmup (or is it cooldown?) before I can really talk, today is one of those days, except I can't be distracted by the small talk.
I don't make any eye contact, and for some reason, because I'm standing I stare at the high ceilings. Although it's my normal not to look at her, I typically stare at the floor, at her red rug, but not the ceiling. Eventually, at her request I move in a little bit. She's getting a stiff neck looking at me from my place by the door. So I take about 2 steps in and lean against the wall that is opposite from her. But after about 30 minutes of standing my legs start to get a little tired, so with my back against the wall I start sliding down until I'm in a crouching position. And I can tell you, at the ripe age of 46, that position is even less comfortable than standing for 30 minutes. But, for the brief two minutes I was down there, I realize that I'm in the corner, almost literally, hiding.
As quickly as a 46 year old woman can get her ass up, I finally decide that I need to sit. However, instead of taking my usual spot on the couch I sit in the antique-ish, wooden, straight-back chair by the window. That way I'm not too comfortable, and I can jump if necessary.
So after about 30 minutes, we finally start our session.
We talk for awhile about the missed communication via text we had this week. I've been having a tough time the past week or so and she's been amazingly supportive and available, but when she didn't respond to my request 'How many times can I see you this week', I spiraled out of control.
We've certainly had missteps before regarding texts and from an 'adult' perspective it's been really helpful to work through them. Of course I hate when they happen, but in a weird way it's helped me negotiate this strange thing called 'relationships'. And like most misunderstandings, after all is said and done and both sides are heard and understand another crazy thing called 'connection' happens. And each time we've had these types of issues my reactions aren't as dire as the previous time and I can usually stop myself from thinking the worse. Unfortunately that's not what happened this time.
I can't even bring the reaction to her today. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I reacted like a 3 year old. And I'm also angry that I let it bother me, that I've allowed my self to trust her, only to be blown off. But much like an episode of I Love Lucy, we both finally realize that not only can texting be easily misconstrued but test messages can actually not be received.
We each took out our phones and compared what was sent to what wasn't sent. It was different, and of course at some 'crucial' responses. There were even a couple times where she got a 'failed' message indicated that I didn't receive the text, but in fact I had. So this whole time I'm thinking not only does she not care enough to respond, but when she does she's sort of repeating herself.
After all this, I was afraid that she would deem the texting too unreliable and renege on the offer. But, although she was very concerned, and extremely apologetic (although it clearly wasn't her fault) we're still gonna go with it, because it really has been helpful, for both of us. She teased though and said from now on she'll send everything twice.
We talked about lots more after that. My walls came down and I was able to share so good stuff with her, and even some weird/hard stuff about couples counseling. But this post has gotten too long and I really have to get some work done, so I'll have to save it for another time.
My sessions are typically at 7:30am and there's a certain feel to that hour. The building her office is in is actually an old manufacturing building for horse drawn carriages. It's a brick building with high ceilings, thick wood floors, and odd shape rooms. There's a lot of artists who rent space there which gives it a somewhat funky feel. I think if I were to come back in another life as a building, this would be the type of building I would be.
Once again, at 7:30 in the morning we're usually the only ones in the building, which I like as well. Because a lot of the lights are turned on by motion detectors, much of the building is darkish as I walk through it. Today I wore my favorite Frye boots which are very loud on the wood planked floors of the empty building. An echo of a person that is walking the line followed me.
As I entered the waiting room of her studio she greets me, without actually seeing me, with 'Morning, come on in'. I sometimes stop in the waiting room debating whether to go in or not. I sometimes tease and tell her that I'm going to stay out in the waiting room while she sits her office. Somehow conducting and intimate discussion at a safe distance.
Today I stop in the doorway between the two rooms. I can't quite convince myself that I can do this. That I want to do this. So for the first 15 minutes or so we talk with the office doors wide open and me leaning against the door frame. Sometimes I need a warmup (or is it cooldown?) before I can really talk, today is one of those days, except I can't be distracted by the small talk.
I don't make any eye contact, and for some reason, because I'm standing I stare at the high ceilings. Although it's my normal not to look at her, I typically stare at the floor, at her red rug, but not the ceiling. Eventually, at her request I move in a little bit. She's getting a stiff neck looking at me from my place by the door. So I take about 2 steps in and lean against the wall that is opposite from her. But after about 30 minutes of standing my legs start to get a little tired, so with my back against the wall I start sliding down until I'm in a crouching position. And I can tell you, at the ripe age of 46, that position is even less comfortable than standing for 30 minutes. But, for the brief two minutes I was down there, I realize that I'm in the corner, almost literally, hiding.
As quickly as a 46 year old woman can get her ass up, I finally decide that I need to sit. However, instead of taking my usual spot on the couch I sit in the antique-ish, wooden, straight-back chair by the window. That way I'm not too comfortable, and I can jump if necessary.
So after about 30 minutes, we finally start our session.
We talk for awhile about the missed communication via text we had this week. I've been having a tough time the past week or so and she's been amazingly supportive and available, but when she didn't respond to my request 'How many times can I see you this week', I spiraled out of control.
We've certainly had missteps before regarding texts and from an 'adult' perspective it's been really helpful to work through them. Of course I hate when they happen, but in a weird way it's helped me negotiate this strange thing called 'relationships'. And like most misunderstandings, after all is said and done and both sides are heard and understand another crazy thing called 'connection' happens. And each time we've had these types of issues my reactions aren't as dire as the previous time and I can usually stop myself from thinking the worse. Unfortunately that's not what happened this time.
I can't even bring the reaction to her today. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I reacted like a 3 year old. And I'm also angry that I let it bother me, that I've allowed my self to trust her, only to be blown off. But much like an episode of I Love Lucy, we both finally realize that not only can texting be easily misconstrued but test messages can actually not be received.
We each took out our phones and compared what was sent to what wasn't sent. It was different, and of course at some 'crucial' responses. There were even a couple times where she got a 'failed' message indicated that I didn't receive the text, but in fact I had. So this whole time I'm thinking not only does she not care enough to respond, but when she does she's sort of repeating herself.
After all this, I was afraid that she would deem the texting too unreliable and renege on the offer. But, although she was very concerned, and extremely apologetic (although it clearly wasn't her fault) we're still gonna go with it, because it really has been helpful, for both of us. She teased though and said from now on she'll send everything twice.
We talked about lots more after that. My walls came down and I was able to share so good stuff with her, and even some weird/hard stuff about couples counseling. But this post has gotten too long and I really have to get some work done, so I'll have to save it for another time.
Why do things look worse, bleak, sadder in the early hours of the morning, as opposed to when the sun is up?
Was an ass to my T but she's still willing to make time for me this morning. I'm afraid it may not go well. Or more likely, that I won't believe her.
I'll probably keep pushing and pushing until she finally throws in the towel.
I was feeling better yesterday but it didn't stop me from being a jerk to her.
Was an ass to my T but she's still willing to make time for me this morning. I'm afraid it may not go well. Or more likely, that I won't believe her.
I'll probably keep pushing and pushing until she finally throws in the towel.
I was feeling better yesterday but it didn't stop me from being a jerk to her.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
So a couple of quotes that I've come across in the past few days that have made me feel (a little) better:
God dwells within you, as you….God dwells within you as you are (Liz Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love, pages 191-192)
and
There is a special place reserved in hell for women who don't help other women Madeleine Albright
God dwells within you, as you….God dwells within you as you are (Liz Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love, pages 191-192)
and
There is a special place reserved in hell for women who don't help other women Madeleine Albright
The anxiety attacks concerning work continue and it's really frustrating the hell out of me. Why is affecting me so much? Right to the core. I no longer believe what I used to believe about myself. I would never label myself a type 'A' personality as it pertains to work, but I always held the strong belief that I was good, in fact very good at what I do. Certainly not perfect, but I always thought, in my heart, that I did things for the right reasons. Even when I started down a maybe less-than-professional response to a situation, I usually was able to weigh the approach and know when I was just being vengeful versus doing what was right for the company.
I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I wake at about 1:30am and my mind starts racing. At least the movie selection at the hour is pretty good, so I'm seeing movies that I've never seen, or ones that I really enjoy. I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other night. I actually don't like the movie very much, but because I really LOVED the book, and enjoy Julia Roberts, I keep trying to like to movie. It's certainly not a horrible movie but it doesn't really capture the essense of the book.
I also found myself at lowpoint by watching a stupid Katherine Keigl movie. I sort of liked her in Grey's Anatomy but she certainly isn't a leading lady, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not even sure I would consider her beautiful. I guess she is, but she doesn't have a certain quality. Actually I guess that quality really isn't an external one, it's an internal one, and I don't see that in her.
Not sure when I decided that I was such a movie critic, but this just goes to show you how much this stupid work crap is getting to me.
Yesterday I continued to be all over the place. I go from wallowing in self pity to tipping the car wash guy $10. I walked in the house last night, gave my wife a hello/goodbye hug, started crying on her shoulder, then turned around and was the proud mom at my daughters swimming class.
I'm really turning into a freak and I can't seem to stop it. And embarrasingly, it's all over my job. My stupid-ass job. How can that be?
I saw my PCP last week to talk about changing my meds. She changed it from Paxil to Prozac and she gave me some Ativan in case I wanted them for my anxiety attacks. I didn't ask her for them and I actually baulked at them when she offered them. But she said to take them even if I never used them. She called it 'insurance' and said that some patients just feel better knowing they have options even if they never take them. So I figured that's what I would do. But I think I'm ready to cash in that policy.
Last night I so wanted to take the Ativan. I could feel the anxiety, both mentally and physically rising. However, as M was working I worried that about the affects on my daughter. What if she needed me and I wasn't able to help her? What kind of parent takes something like Ativan when you're the one in charge?
As a former social/heavy drug user I'm sure I'm assuming the worse affects from the drug. So there I was struggling with these stupid attacks and driving myself even crazier in trying to figure out a course of action.
Oh, and in between all this I'm hating L. I was a nut yesterday at therapy, just all over the place. Maybe even a little combative. I just getting a little frustrated at her glass-is-half-full outlook on life, especially when I'm in the middle of planning a murder (see previous post about CD). But I texted her yesterday afternoon and she never replied until after I had fallen asleep last night. Now if I were in my right mind (probably around 1978 or so) I would obviously understand and not take it personally. Especially where she's been amazingly supportive and available. But somehow that didn't matter last night, and still doesn't today. I even sent her a less-than-delightful text at about 3:30 this morning. Still no response.
I know I'm crazy, so please no need to remind me.
Here's our text exchange from last Friday, at her request she had asked me to let her know how a meeting with my managment on Friday afternoon went:
M: They've reorged my group and I've been demoted.
L: I'm so sorry
M: Not sure what to do with myself actually, maybe this is where the ativan comes in
L: Ativan could work buy why don't you just go home
Do you have to go to your afternoon meetings?
Wouldn't your superiors understand this is a major blow and you need the afternoon off
M: Cancelled the rest of my meetings, may leave, but honestly where would I go? It's one of those 'whereever you go, I'm still there', can't get rid of myself....sorry just feeling crappy right now
L: Go home and be with your family and let them take care of you
M: I hear ya, but just need to be left alone for awhile
L: Do not be sorry you have the right to feel crappy
M: I'm just f'ing sick of feeling crappy, getting sick of myself
L: I understand so try something differen pack your bags and go up north for the weekend, you have been well aware that you are not able to make something work at this job. This kind of shit happens in life don't let their poor management be a reflection of you, too many years of jobs well done your history is rich. Isolation yourself and shutting yourself down has not worked in the past, get your faiy and go away for the weekend, there's plenty of time next week to freak out
M: Thanks, I just don't know what to say. I need to figure it out myself for now
L: Okay, fair enough I'm here if you need to talk
M: Thanks, I really appreciate your support. Left work and I'm just gonna drive around for a while
Later Friday evening I get this text:
L: Hope that you're ok
M: I'm ok, thanks for asking. met with the adoption worker tonight so that was a good distraction. just realy wiped right now
L: Glad your home thanks for letting me know you're ok
M: Remind me the next time that I hate you that I really don't.......but you still can't date
I couldn't have asked for a more supportive therapist, but I still direct my anger at her, why? And I need to hear more than "Maybe because you feel safe in doing so".....such psycho-babble.
And I need to understand why this work stuff has caused me to come completely undone.
If you've last this long, sorry for the rant.
I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I wake at about 1:30am and my mind starts racing. At least the movie selection at the hour is pretty good, so I'm seeing movies that I've never seen, or ones that I really enjoy. I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other night. I actually don't like the movie very much, but because I really LOVED the book, and enjoy Julia Roberts, I keep trying to like to movie. It's certainly not a horrible movie but it doesn't really capture the essense of the book.
I also found myself at lowpoint by watching a stupid Katherine Keigl movie. I sort of liked her in Grey's Anatomy but she certainly isn't a leading lady, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not even sure I would consider her beautiful. I guess she is, but she doesn't have a certain quality. Actually I guess that quality really isn't an external one, it's an internal one, and I don't see that in her.
Not sure when I decided that I was such a movie critic, but this just goes to show you how much this stupid work crap is getting to me.
Yesterday I continued to be all over the place. I go from wallowing in self pity to tipping the car wash guy $10. I walked in the house last night, gave my wife a hello/goodbye hug, started crying on her shoulder, then turned around and was the proud mom at my daughters swimming class.
I'm really turning into a freak and I can't seem to stop it. And embarrasingly, it's all over my job. My stupid-ass job. How can that be?
I saw my PCP last week to talk about changing my meds. She changed it from Paxil to Prozac and she gave me some Ativan in case I wanted them for my anxiety attacks. I didn't ask her for them and I actually baulked at them when she offered them. But she said to take them even if I never used them. She called it 'insurance' and said that some patients just feel better knowing they have options even if they never take them. So I figured that's what I would do. But I think I'm ready to cash in that policy.
Last night I so wanted to take the Ativan. I could feel the anxiety, both mentally and physically rising. However, as M was working I worried that about the affects on my daughter. What if she needed me and I wasn't able to help her? What kind of parent takes something like Ativan when you're the one in charge?
As a former social/heavy drug user I'm sure I'm assuming the worse affects from the drug. So there I was struggling with these stupid attacks and driving myself even crazier in trying to figure out a course of action.
Oh, and in between all this I'm hating L. I was a nut yesterday at therapy, just all over the place. Maybe even a little combative. I just getting a little frustrated at her glass-is-half-full outlook on life, especially when I'm in the middle of planning a murder (see previous post about CD). But I texted her yesterday afternoon and she never replied until after I had fallen asleep last night. Now if I were in my right mind (probably around 1978 or so) I would obviously understand and not take it personally. Especially where she's been amazingly supportive and available. But somehow that didn't matter last night, and still doesn't today. I even sent her a less-than-delightful text at about 3:30 this morning. Still no response.
I know I'm crazy, so please no need to remind me.
Here's our text exchange from last Friday, at her request she had asked me to let her know how a meeting with my managment on Friday afternoon went:
M: They've reorged my group and I've been demoted.
L: I'm so sorry
M: Not sure what to do with myself actually, maybe this is where the ativan comes in
L: Ativan could work buy why don't you just go home
Do you have to go to your afternoon meetings?
Wouldn't your superiors understand this is a major blow and you need the afternoon off
M: Cancelled the rest of my meetings, may leave, but honestly where would I go? It's one of those 'whereever you go, I'm still there', can't get rid of myself....sorry just feeling crappy right now
L: Go home and be with your family and let them take care of you
M: I hear ya, but just need to be left alone for awhile
L: Do not be sorry you have the right to feel crappy
M: I'm just f'ing sick of feeling crappy, getting sick of myself
L: I understand so try something differen pack your bags and go up north for the weekend, you have been well aware that you are not able to make something work at this job. This kind of shit happens in life don't let their poor management be a reflection of you, too many years of jobs well done your history is rich. Isolation yourself and shutting yourself down has not worked in the past, get your faiy and go away for the weekend, there's plenty of time next week to freak out
M: Thanks, I just don't know what to say. I need to figure it out myself for now
L: Okay, fair enough I'm here if you need to talk
M: Thanks, I really appreciate your support. Left work and I'm just gonna drive around for a while
Later Friday evening I get this text:
L: Hope that you're ok
M: I'm ok, thanks for asking. met with the adoption worker tonight so that was a good distraction. just realy wiped right now
L: Glad your home thanks for letting me know you're ok
M: Remind me the next time that I hate you that I really don't.......but you still can't date
I couldn't have asked for a more supportive therapist, but I still direct my anger at her, why? And I need to hear more than "Maybe because you feel safe in doing so".....such psycho-babble.
And I need to understand why this work stuff has caused me to come completely undone.
If you've last this long, sorry for the rant.
Monday, September 26, 2011
So once again, I'm a bit all over the place. Just to preface this therapy-rant with real life stuff, my job totally, and I mean TOTALLY, sucks!! I know I should be happy I have a job, and I make a decent salary, and I can somewhat come-and-go as I please, but a series of events of the past year have really sucked the life out of me, and any pride that I had was stripped of me last Friday.
I have been very lucky that in my career I have had good/great bosses and even mentors. But I met my match when I started at this company over 4 years ago. Basically it's been a hate-hate relationship with this woman that I'll call CD (short for Cruella Deville) since the day I started. Fortunately for the first three years I never reported into her organization. But then a layoff and a reorg last November changed all that for me. I was now reporting directly in to her.
I won't clog up this blog with crap about my life-and-times with this bitch (sorry, but there really is no other word), but the events from last Friday have certainly but a spin to my entire outlook on work and life in general.
On the upside, and it couldn't have happened at a better time, we had a really good meeting/conversation with a woman who's business we are looking to buy. It's actually a business that her and her husband have run/owned for over 20 years and they are now retiring. It's something I've wanted to do since I was 20 years old but the opportunity was never quit right, until now.....I hope!!!!
The business, at the moment, is seasonal, so they are just finishing up their season, and then they'll take the next month to get all their paperwork in order, and then we can start talking $$$$$. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but given what's transpired for me over the last week I feel like it's my last resort. And I definitely don't want to be negotiating from a 'needy/vulnerable' place.
And one last non-therapy rant, our adoption stuff is really moving forward, and fairly quickly now too. Our official home study should be complete within the next week or to, and then the fun really begins. We actually went to an adoption 'party' over the weekend and there were two sisters, ages 2 and 11 that we were very interested in. It's such a weird process, this whole adoption, picking-a-child thing.
So now for the therapy-related rant. M and I met again with L today for couple's counseling. Given all the things going on in our life, and the work crap that happened on Friday, it was a good time for a session, and overall it went well. But something was going through my head the whole time.
I would be looking at L (something I don't normally do during my individual sessions) and I was feeling some anger towards her. I'm sure part of it had to do with the topic. The work-crap has really sent me for a loop and it's eating away at me. M and L both wanted to talk about it, but I'm still licking my wounds, and I just wanted to continue withdrawing, so I didn't want to talk about it.
And it wasn't that they were ganging up on me, they were just trying to get me to stop beating myself up. But for some reason there was this 'loop' running through my head. Maybe it was that the two of them were siding on something? Maybe I was jealous? Not sure. Maybe I don't like sharing? Maybe I don't like sharing L? ......or sharing M? ......or sharing myself?
I just don't know. It's just weird.
It's like for me, couples counseling is not just about M and I, it's some sort of weird triangle-thing? Does that even make sense?
I also know that it wouldn't work if M and I saw a different counselor. L just knows so much about me, and how I operate. I'm not big on the whole trust-thing, and I'm not much of a talker, so starting from scratch with a new counselor just wouldn't work.
I see L in the morning, and I'm sure we'll discuss this, somehow. But at the same time I'm still feeling pissed at her and I just want to take my ball and go home.
I have been very lucky that in my career I have had good/great bosses and even mentors. But I met my match when I started at this company over 4 years ago. Basically it's been a hate-hate relationship with this woman that I'll call CD (short for Cruella Deville) since the day I started. Fortunately for the first three years I never reported into her organization. But then a layoff and a reorg last November changed all that for me. I was now reporting directly in to her.
I won't clog up this blog with crap about my life-and-times with this bitch (sorry, but there really is no other word), but the events from last Friday have certainly but a spin to my entire outlook on work and life in general.
On the upside, and it couldn't have happened at a better time, we had a really good meeting/conversation with a woman who's business we are looking to buy. It's actually a business that her and her husband have run/owned for over 20 years and they are now retiring. It's something I've wanted to do since I was 20 years old but the opportunity was never quit right, until now.....I hope!!!!
The business, at the moment, is seasonal, so they are just finishing up their season, and then they'll take the next month to get all their paperwork in order, and then we can start talking $$$$$. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but given what's transpired for me over the last week I feel like it's my last resort. And I definitely don't want to be negotiating from a 'needy/vulnerable' place.
And one last non-therapy rant, our adoption stuff is really moving forward, and fairly quickly now too. Our official home study should be complete within the next week or to, and then the fun really begins. We actually went to an adoption 'party' over the weekend and there were two sisters, ages 2 and 11 that we were very interested in. It's such a weird process, this whole adoption, picking-a-child thing.
So now for the therapy-related rant. M and I met again with L today for couple's counseling. Given all the things going on in our life, and the work crap that happened on Friday, it was a good time for a session, and overall it went well. But something was going through my head the whole time.
I would be looking at L (something I don't normally do during my individual sessions) and I was feeling some anger towards her. I'm sure part of it had to do with the topic. The work-crap has really sent me for a loop and it's eating away at me. M and L both wanted to talk about it, but I'm still licking my wounds, and I just wanted to continue withdrawing, so I didn't want to talk about it.
And it wasn't that they were ganging up on me, they were just trying to get me to stop beating myself up. But for some reason there was this 'loop' running through my head. Maybe it was that the two of them were siding on something? Maybe I was jealous? Not sure. Maybe I don't like sharing? Maybe I don't like sharing L? ......or sharing M? ......or sharing myself?
I just don't know. It's just weird.
It's like for me, couples counseling is not just about M and I, it's some sort of weird triangle-thing? Does that even make sense?
I also know that it wouldn't work if M and I saw a different counselor. L just knows so much about me, and how I operate. I'm not big on the whole trust-thing, and I'm not much of a talker, so starting from scratch with a new counselor just wouldn't work.
I see L in the morning, and I'm sure we'll discuss this, somehow. But at the same time I'm still feeling pissed at her and I just want to take my ball and go home.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I thought I'd share a couple of texts that L and I have exchanged over the past week.
In case you haven't followed along before, M is me and L is my therapist.
This one is from last Friday after my session with her. Amongst a whole bunch of other things, we were talking about loss and grief and the switch in my ruminations regarding therapy and her:
M: I wonder if I'm scared of losing you both physically(by moving) and mentally(stopping the OCD thoughts)? Ya, I know what you're gonna say (cause I can read minds) You're not going anywhere...blah, blah, blah. I just wonder will I always be this weird. Thanks for today.
She didn't respond to this, but I didn't really need her to, although of course I do like when she does. But sometimes it just helps me to text her things so I can somehow release them.
This exchange happened yesterday after my session and her trying to get me to talk more about my thoughts around therapy and her:
M: Assuming nothing 'big' happens in my life, can you make sure (hold my feet to the fire) that we talk (I talk) about my crazy-obsessional thoughts? Although I may deny sending this.
A few minutes later, while thinking about this text instead of paying attention in a meeting I sent this follow-up:
M: And you have to promise that things won't get weird or you won't get weird after......I'm already weird.
L: Promise
Then later that evening, after me continuing to worry/think about it:
M: I'll probably need something in writing....notarized
L: How about written in blood.
M: If that's all you got
L: I thought pinky's swear was too wimpy
M: Good point, maybe we can spit on our hands and then shake on it.
I know many people would question or find it odd that L and I text, but it really has helped me, and I think it has helped L to help me. My life, my thoughts, and my feelings don't happen in 50 minute increments. It's painful for me to talk and it talks me a while to get there. But texting has made me more comfortable with L and it allows her to better understand what's going on inside me during the week.
In case you haven't followed along before, M is me and L is my therapist.
This one is from last Friday after my session with her. Amongst a whole bunch of other things, we were talking about loss and grief and the switch in my ruminations regarding therapy and her:
M: I wonder if I'm scared of losing you both physically(by moving) and mentally(stopping the OCD thoughts)? Ya, I know what you're gonna say (cause I can read minds) You're not going anywhere...blah, blah, blah. I just wonder will I always be this weird. Thanks for today.
She didn't respond to this, but I didn't really need her to, although of course I do like when she does. But sometimes it just helps me to text her things so I can somehow release them.
This exchange happened yesterday after my session and her trying to get me to talk more about my thoughts around therapy and her:
M: Assuming nothing 'big' happens in my life, can you make sure (hold my feet to the fire) that we talk (I talk) about my crazy-obsessional thoughts? Although I may deny sending this.
A few minutes later, while thinking about this text instead of paying attention in a meeting I sent this follow-up:
M: And you have to promise that things won't get weird or you won't get weird after......I'm already weird.
L: Promise
Then later that evening, after me continuing to worry/think about it:
M: I'll probably need something in writing....notarized
L: How about written in blood.
M: If that's all you got
L: I thought pinky's swear was too wimpy
M: Good point, maybe we can spit on our hands and then shake on it.
I know many people would question or find it odd that L and I text, but it really has helped me, and I think it has helped L to help me. My life, my thoughts, and my feelings don't happen in 50 minute increments. It's painful for me to talk and it talks me a while to get there. But texting has made me more comfortable with L and it allows her to better understand what's going on inside me during the week.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Maybe it's the rain, or maybe it was the session with L, but feeling really down and sad right now. I know I'm in a crappy place I guess I just didn't need to be reminded of it.
L really wants me to tell her more about my obsessional thoughts, my thoughts about her. How can I possibly do that?
For instance, she wanted to know what was going through my head on the drive to see her this morning. So, just to prove I'm crazy, here's what I was thinking:
I really want to be able to talk to L today, I hate when I go and leave feeling not connected, not feeling satisfied, not feeling like we went deep enough. I guess it's like having sex, but never having an orgasm. I mean it feels nice, but it's not the ultimate.....
So how the freak am I supposed to share that weird thought with her? I'm embarrassed just typing it!
Would I love to tell her about how I wish sometimes that she would just hold me? How I wish I could just sit and cry?
And the funny thing is I'm not even sure I actually would want that. Maybe it's just a nice thought.
And then I worry about the whole gay-thing. Maybe she'll misinterpret my crazy thoughts as some romantic/sexual desire. Or maybe I'm scared that it really is some crazy romantic/sexual desire.
L really wants me to tell her more about my obsessional thoughts, my thoughts about her. How can I possibly do that?
For instance, she wanted to know what was going through my head on the drive to see her this morning. So, just to prove I'm crazy, here's what I was thinking:
I really want to be able to talk to L today, I hate when I go and leave feeling not connected, not feeling satisfied, not feeling like we went deep enough. I guess it's like having sex, but never having an orgasm. I mean it feels nice, but it's not the ultimate.....
So how the freak am I supposed to share that weird thought with her? I'm embarrassed just typing it!
Would I love to tell her about how I wish sometimes that she would just hold me? How I wish I could just sit and cry?
And the funny thing is I'm not even sure I actually would want that. Maybe it's just a nice thought.
And then I worry about the whole gay-thing. Maybe she'll misinterpret my crazy thoughts as some romantic/sexual desire. Or maybe I'm scared that it really is some crazy romantic/sexual desire.
Monday, September 19, 2011
I'm hoping that some of the depression has lifted, at list a bit. I've started running again, although I did blow it off this morning. I'm seeing my primary care physician this week to talk about changing my meds. I'm on Paxil now but L is recommending Prozac, so we'll see how that goes.
I saw L on Friday. It has really helped seeing her twice a week lately. Not only has it helped with the in-between session angst, but this past week I've also noticed a switch in my obsessional thoughts about therapy and about L. It took a while but I was able to talk about it with her.
I'm still so embarrassed and ashamed about my strong feelings towards her. Normally I think about her quite often during the day. I told her that she's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. And quite often I like to think her and being in her office, it gives me some comfort. But this past week or so there has been a shift.
I think it first started when my partner M and I saw her together for couples counseling the other day. It's not that I have L up on a pedestal, sort of, but it's like I experienced her as a 'normal' person. Maybe because the intensity of the session has more to do with M and I, than with L and I? Not sure, but I did feel a little sad about it, like I was losing something. And at the same time I was OK with it. Strange
Then after that, I found myself not thinking about L and therapy 24 x 7. In fact, I couldn't even force myself to think about it. I was too busy living my real life. Again, it felt good, and strange, and at the same time it felt like a loss.
I also told L that I had a strange desire to text her the other day and ask her if she was moving. During our previous session she was talking about her youngest child who is now 17. For some reason I got it in my head that her daughter will be going to college soon, and that L will probably sell her house and move. Obviously L never indicated those things but apparently I have an active imagination. I didn't text L the question, but I did bring it up in session. She assured me (again!!) that she wasn't going anywhere.
After I left L, I texted her this later on in the day 'I wonder if I'm scared of losing you both physically(by moving) and mentally(stopping the OCD thoughts)? Ya, I know what you're gonna say (cause I can read minds) You're not going anywhere....blah, blah, blah. I just wonder will I always be this weird? Thanks for today'
M and I, along with our 5 year old daughter, met the adoption social work on Friday. It was our first official 'home visit' and it went well. When the social worker left she said that she wants to finish up this portion of the adoption process quick cause she really wants us to get a child. That made our daughter very, very happy.
I saw L on Friday. It has really helped seeing her twice a week lately. Not only has it helped with the in-between session angst, but this past week I've also noticed a switch in my obsessional thoughts about therapy and about L. It took a while but I was able to talk about it with her.
I'm still so embarrassed and ashamed about my strong feelings towards her. Normally I think about her quite often during the day. I told her that she's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. And quite often I like to think her and being in her office, it gives me some comfort. But this past week or so there has been a shift.
I think it first started when my partner M and I saw her together for couples counseling the other day. It's not that I have L up on a pedestal, sort of, but it's like I experienced her as a 'normal' person. Maybe because the intensity of the session has more to do with M and I, than with L and I? Not sure, but I did feel a little sad about it, like I was losing something. And at the same time I was OK with it. Strange
Then after that, I found myself not thinking about L and therapy 24 x 7. In fact, I couldn't even force myself to think about it. I was too busy living my real life. Again, it felt good, and strange, and at the same time it felt like a loss.
I also told L that I had a strange desire to text her the other day and ask her if she was moving. During our previous session she was talking about her youngest child who is now 17. For some reason I got it in my head that her daughter will be going to college soon, and that L will probably sell her house and move. Obviously L never indicated those things but apparently I have an active imagination. I didn't text L the question, but I did bring it up in session. She assured me (again!!) that she wasn't going anywhere.
After I left L, I texted her this later on in the day 'I wonder if I'm scared of losing you both physically(by moving) and mentally(stopping the OCD thoughts)? Ya, I know what you're gonna say (cause I can read minds) You're not going anywhere....blah, blah, blah. I just wonder will I always be this weird? Thanks for today'
M and I, along with our 5 year old daughter, met the adoption social work on Friday. It was our first official 'home visit' and it went well. When the social worker left she said that she wants to finish up this portion of the adoption process quick cause she really wants us to get a child. That made our daughter very, very happy.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Normally (like I even know what that word means??!!!) I would have tried to just 'ramble' about this mornings session in my journal. Not really worrying about whether or not it made sense, especially knowing that nobody but me would be reading it. But now that I've only been journaling online I do try and make some sense or provide some explanation of what I'm writing. Not that I'm always successful with that, but I do worry about it......but I'm not going to do that for this post. I'm not sure what's really going on in my head, so I just need to 'throw up' for this post and see if anything makes sense. And it may not.
I felt in someways we, or maybe I was going round-and-round. Much like the fight that M and I had on Saturday. With her I kept trying to figure out the 'root' of the issue. Why we're having the argument? What was the real problem?
So, if I turn that on myself, what was my real issue today? Why did I get defensive at times? Am I choosing to stay depressed?
What did I want? What did I want from her?
Is it a pity-party of one?
Things seemed to have changed or shifted a bit since M and I met you the other day for couples counseling. It was a bit strange for me, and I was a different person. I actually looked at you when you talked, normally I stare at the rug. During most of our session it was like an out-of-body experience for me. I was just floating and watching what was going on. Strange.
However, at the end, after M and I left I felt lighter. M and L mostly talked because they needed to get to know each other, which I wanted as well. But I felt like we accomplished something, like we were able to clear the air a bit, like we were able to release some of the weight that we carry.
But seeing L differently has been strange for me to handle. It's like I finally saw her like a 'normal' person and I've sort of stopped obsessing about her. Now, you would think I would be happy with that, it's what I've always wanted. But oddly enough it's felt like a loss, like it's something that I need to grieve. Good thing normal was not my goal.....
I felt in someways we, or maybe I was going round-and-round. Much like the fight that M and I had on Saturday. With her I kept trying to figure out the 'root' of the issue. Why we're having the argument? What was the real problem?
So, if I turn that on myself, what was my real issue today? Why did I get defensive at times? Am I choosing to stay depressed?
What did I want? What did I want from her?
Is it a pity-party of one?
Things seemed to have changed or shifted a bit since M and I met you the other day for couples counseling. It was a bit strange for me, and I was a different person. I actually looked at you when you talked, normally I stare at the rug. During most of our session it was like an out-of-body experience for me. I was just floating and watching what was going on. Strange.
However, at the end, after M and I left I felt lighter. M and L mostly talked because they needed to get to know each other, which I wanted as well. But I felt like we accomplished something, like we were able to clear the air a bit, like we were able to release some of the weight that we carry.
But seeing L differently has been strange for me to handle. It's like I finally saw her like a 'normal' person and I've sort of stopped obsessing about her. Now, you would think I would be happy with that, it's what I've always wanted. But oddly enough it's felt like a loss, like it's something that I need to grieve. Good thing normal was not my goal.....
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Met with L this morning; it went pretty well. Oddly enough I think today was the first time that I really, really didn't want to go, and I don't think it was cause I wanted to avoid something. Normally I feel lots of things about seeing L, anxiety, longing, trepidation, craving...etc, but never do I truly not want to see her. And it wasn't that I didn't want to see her specifically, but I would have rather stayed in bed.
But I did go and I feel ok about it. Part of feeling ok about it is that we talked about a lot of things, and that I get to see her again tomorrow night and then again on Friday. Although seeing her two more times this week is sort of a double-edged sword as well.
Tomorrow night my partner M and I go to see L for our first attempt at couples therapy, and I am VERY nervous. I've never been to couples therapy so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm normally uncomfortable arguing, and now we'll have a referee. And I know that we won't necessarily be arguing, but hopefully learning some new ways of communicating, but it's still hard. Here's what I'm afraid of:
We also talked, again, about changing my meds. My moods continue to be hard to handle. I wake up simply tired and not looking forward to much. I am very conscious about just trying to make it through the day.
Right now I'm on Paxil, but L is suggesting maybe a switch to Prozac. So yesterday I did actually call my doctor to make an appointment to review my meds. M has been after me to go to have some blood work done so I'll kill two birds with one visit. Maybe I have an iron deficiency or maybe something with my thyroid. Unfortunately now that I've talked myself into going, I can't actually get an appointment for two weeks. So in the mean time L is going to give me a name of a homeopathic doctor to see. I've never seen that type of physician before, but I figure I'll give it a try.
But I did go and I feel ok about it. Part of feeling ok about it is that we talked about a lot of things, and that I get to see her again tomorrow night and then again on Friday. Although seeing her two more times this week is sort of a double-edged sword as well.
Tomorrow night my partner M and I go to see L for our first attempt at couples therapy, and I am VERY nervous. I've never been to couples therapy so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm normally uncomfortable arguing, and now we'll have a referee. And I know that we won't necessarily be arguing, but hopefully learning some new ways of communicating, but it's still hard. Here's what I'm afraid of:
- L will now see me in a different light. Maybe I'm not the person she thinks I am. Maybe I'm self-centered or uncaring. Maybe I'm only concerned about my crap.
- Maybe L will take my side too often and M will feel unsupported
- What if L thinks M and I aren't compatible. I have friends with whom I question there choice of spouses, will she question mine?
- What if M and I can't find middle ground?
- What if I feel jealous of the support that L gives M?
We also talked, again, about changing my meds. My moods continue to be hard to handle. I wake up simply tired and not looking forward to much. I am very conscious about just trying to make it through the day.
Right now I'm on Paxil, but L is suggesting maybe a switch to Prozac. So yesterday I did actually call my doctor to make an appointment to review my meds. M has been after me to go to have some blood work done so I'll kill two birds with one visit. Maybe I have an iron deficiency or maybe something with my thyroid. Unfortunately now that I've talked myself into going, I can't actually get an appointment for two weeks. So in the mean time L is going to give me a name of a homeopathic doctor to see. I've never seen that type of physician before, but I figure I'll give it a try.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I sometimes wish I could just sit and cry. Unabashedly ball my eyes out. I feel like I'm just trying to myself together, to hold it all in and not fall apart. Although honestly, I'm not sure what exactly I would be crying about.
I also wish I could just sit in L's office and simply 'be'. To say whatever was going on in my head, or whatever I'm feeling.
I'm glad I get to see her tomorrow morning. I know that's part of me 'holding it together', to just get through the day(s) to when we can meet.
I want to talk, I want to cry, and at the same time I want to sit in the quiet, and simply feel held. I wish I could say that to her. I wish I were brave enough.
I sent her a text after our last session simply saying 'Thank you.......again'. She responded that I didn't have to thank her. And I responded with 'Actually I do have to Thank you, I'm afraid I don't let you know enough how much your support has meant to me, so I figure the least I can do is say thanks.
Why can't I actually say out loud what I think and feel?
I also wish I could just sit in L's office and simply 'be'. To say whatever was going on in my head, or whatever I'm feeling.
I'm glad I get to see her tomorrow morning. I know that's part of me 'holding it together', to just get through the day(s) to when we can meet.
I want to talk, I want to cry, and at the same time I want to sit in the quiet, and simply feel held. I wish I could say that to her. I wish I were brave enough.
I sent her a text after our last session simply saying 'Thank you.......again'. She responded that I didn't have to thank her. And I responded with 'Actually I do have to Thank you, I'm afraid I don't let you know enough how much your support has meant to me, so I figure the least I can do is say thanks.
Why can't I actually say out loud what I think and feel?
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