Friday, July 29, 2011

She changed the rules.  She changed them without telling me.  I thought she didn't get a couple of ranting-like texts that I sent so I resent them.  After doing that twice, with two different rants she replied with 'You ok, I keep getting the same texts'

So she did get them but she's now decided not to respond to them.  She's always sent some sort of reply or encouragement but now that's gone.  She's gone.

Why?  Has she now decided that she's been too available?  Too supportive?

It seems like I am now officially slipping into a depression.  The blah-like feelings have been increasing for over a month now and I can't seem to stop the slide.  I was hoping that being away on a 2 week vacation would help, but in fact it's getting worse. 

I continue living in my head and now I don't have an outlet for my crazy thoughts.

She leaves next Tuesday so I won't see her, or talk to her, or god-forbid text her until the following Thursday. 

How will I get through this?  I've started to have some extreme thoughts that are scaring me.


  1. Maybe you need to take direct steps to sort out with L these recent text dramas. Say something strong like,
    “When you ignored my texts I felt rejected and confused.”
    “I am scared that I am slipping into Depression. Can you help me stay well?”

    Take radical steps NOW if you think depression is coming. Now is the time to eat well, exercise, sleep, take time for yourself, go see your GP for a med review, find something or someone that needs your love and give it… Even if you don’t feel like doing these things. DO THEM ANYWAY.

    Places other than a psych’s office to vent your crazy thoughts:
    Here, online, with random strangers.
    In private personal writing (every imaginable form – poetry, diary, fiction, comics, whatever works for you)
    With friends and partner (this is like, duh, obvious, I know but sometimes in depression we forget that everyday people support each other though shit all the time). Sometimes it takes an effort to turn towards our partner, and a little bit of time to work out how to do it if we are out of the habit.
    Art – photography, songwriting, drawing, scrapbooking, web design, cake decorating, whatever gets you thinking about links between form and function and in the aesthetic dimensions.

    Sorry that this comment sounds too urgent and bossy. If you think depression is coming then it’s time to DO things – not ruminate, do. It doesn’t matter if you feel blah about them, they’re not meant to be instantaneous life-changing cure-alls. This is Einstein’s 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, in action.

    Thinking of you and wishing you well,

  2. Cate, thank you so much for your thoughts. It certainly sounds like you understand, especially about depression.
    I am trying to combat it as much as possible, I'm forcing myself to run everyday, trying not to isolate myself too much, and I even told my partner about it, which helped a lot.
    I also reached out to L and she wasn't ignore me, she was just out-of-service so she wasn't receiving my texts until a day or 2 later.

    All of these things are helping, but it's still a struggle and I'm still scared.

    Thanks again

  3. Great that you clarified that L wasn't ignoring you, that it was a technical issue only. I know the feeling of not getting a response from my T only too well - it's a real bad feeling.

    I agree with Cate it's important not to ruminate if you think you are slipping. Let the feelings arise and pass - feelings will do that if you allow them to. Seems like a good step too discussing how you feel with your partner.

    Here listening. take care

  4. Thanks Ellen. As much as I understand the 'technical' reason for not responding I'm still pulling away from her. I'm angry and hurt, even though I know my response is childish.

    The not-ruminating is hard for me, it's like my thing that I always resort to. However, at the moment I'm trying to keep busy so the depression hasn't gotten worse, although I can still feel it lingering.

    Thanks for your care, I really do appreciate it.