Monday, July 11, 2011

Blogging Instead of Working Today

Probably because it's Monday, but I'm feeling a little off, a little tired, and a little unmotivated, especially at work.  I saw L on Wednesday and it went pretty well, but 15 minutes after leaving I was texting and asking her for a 2nd session.  We both tend to have time on Friday mornings.  Unfortunately, for whatever reason, she couldn't do this Friday.  Logically of course I understand, but of course I was still affected by it. She did send me a text on Thursday afternoon saying that Friday was definitely out but she could see me in about 2 hours or on Saturday afternoon.  I replied back that I couldn't get there this afternoon, and Saturday is her day off.

The ebb and flow of needing her, of craving her can be exhausting in and of itself.  I really hate the day after our sessions, especially if it's the Wednesday session and I'm not scheduled to see her until the following Wednesday.  This time was no different.  However, like my craving for chocolate ice cream, if I can wait it out for a while the craving dissipates.  So by Thursday afternoon I was 'stronger'.  Of course I always like going to see her (even when I'm angry with her), but there are times where it's tolerable  Although, there are still times where I would walk through fire just for 90 minutes of her attention.

I also forgot to let her know last Wednesday that I can't do our normal Wednesday morning session this week, so I texted it to her.  Normally I hear back from her within a couple hours, but not this time.  In fact it's Monday morning and I still haven't heard from her.  Often this kind of an event (or non-event) would send me into a tailspin and I would convince myself that she really doesn't care, but this time I didn't react as strongly.  Of course I would have preferred contact, but I was OK about it and didn't lose it. 

But then I also wonder if that's why I'm feeling a little 'off' this morning. 

I was pretty social this weekend.  Actually, I wasn't that social.  Yes, I did go out, but I think I kept a bit to myself. 

On Friday night, my partner M and my daughter and I took 3 of the kids from our church bowling.  They are from Africa and have never been bowling, although they've played it on our Wii before.  We attend a very multi-cultural inner city church and one of the awesome things about that is meeting families from all walks of life.  Even though we may be a bit non traditional, my blue-eyed blond-haired daughter lives a very middle class life.  This church provides such a good balance for us, and we get the privilege of giving back and receiving so much more in return. 

So even though I really enjoy taking the kids, I felt like I really had to force myself.  The kids have lots of energy, as does my daughter, so it's great for them to get out and have fun. 

Saturday we swam for a while, and then went to a wedding.  Once again, I enjoyed myself, but I really had to force it, it did not come easy or naturally.  And then the same thing on Sunday.  We swam and spent some time with friends, and I even went out for a late day motorcycle ride, but I still had trouble.  Typically on my bike I can't think of anything else but concentrating on the rode.  But my mind kept drifting, and the whole time I couldn't wait to get back home, and just go to bed.

Maybe it's just a case of the blahs.

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