I went a little off the text-deep-end yesterday
Me: Sorry for bugging you (again) just some anxiety today and I needed to make sure you were still there, and it's real
L: It is real I am still here try to let go of the anxiety I will see you tomorrow text as much as you want
L: No problem
20 minutes later.....
Me:No need to respond, just ramblings...I hate to admit it but I needed/wanted more from M yesterday, and I'm too dependent on you I'm fucked basically. I know I'm overreacting(drama??) I think I probably get like this after some time off
Another 20 minutes later...
Me: I need to check out for the day, a bike ride to maine sounds good. I hate that I can't run away anymore. Adds to the anxiety. Hmmm, I wonder if that's what drug use would do for me? That's how I would run away.
15 minutes later....
Me: Does everyone's moods fluctuate like this? Don't want to be here, don't want to be anywhere. But I have to stay too many crappy meetings, although I'm texting and not really attending, only in body. The mind is such a terrible thing to waste, I really miss mine.
L: We can talk about it all tomorrow so write some stuff down so we can get right into it
Me: Hey, no fair threatening me! And if I'm not there, check the parking lot. Should I stop texting and 'write it down' some place else?
L: You can keep texting writing down is not in lieu of texting
A couple hours later...
Me: Left for lunch, needed to get out. Find myself sitting in a cemetery in Andover. Nothing creepy, it's just peaceful and quiet. Blew off meeting M for lunch, just couldn't handle it today.
Later that evening
L: Why are you hiding from M?
Me: Good question, don't know, but I'm glad she's not home tonight.
The ability to reach out and text L when I go into this anxiety-spin definitely helps me. It gives me a way to channel some energy and thoughts, which otherwise would cause me to implode.
I did go see L today and we talked about my relationship with M. Which for the most part, and in comparison to others is not that bad, I just need more.
I need to communicate.
I need to talk.
And that scares the hell out of me.
I'm not good at needing these, although the flip side is that I consider myself a needy person.