I went a little off the text-deep-end yesterday
Me: Sorry for bugging you (again) just some anxiety today and I needed to make sure you were still there, and it's real
L: It is real I am still here try to let go of the anxiety I will see you tomorrow text as much as you want
Me: Thanks
L: No problem
20 minutes later.....
Me:No need to respond, just ramblings...I hate to admit it but I needed/wanted more from M yesterday, and I'm too dependent on you I'm fucked basically. I know I'm overreacting(drama??) I think I probably get like this after some time off
Another 20 minutes later...
Me: I need to check out for the day, a bike ride to maine sounds good. I hate that I can't run away anymore. Adds to the anxiety. Hmmm, I wonder if that's what drug use would do for me? That's how I would run away.
15 minutes later....
Me: Does everyone's moods fluctuate like this? Don't want to be here, don't want to be anywhere. But I have to stay too many crappy meetings, although I'm texting and not really attending, only in body. The mind is such a terrible thing to waste, I really miss mine.
L: We can talk about it all tomorrow so write some stuff down so we can get right into it
Me: Hey, no fair threatening me! And if I'm not there, check the parking lot. Should I stop texting and 'write it down' some place else?
L: You can keep texting writing down is not in lieu of texting
A couple hours later...
Me: Left for lunch, needed to get out. Find myself sitting in a cemetery in Andover. Nothing creepy, it's just peaceful and quiet. Blew off meeting M for lunch, just couldn't handle it today.
Later that evening
L: Why are you hiding from M?
Me: Good question, don't know, but I'm glad she's not home tonight.
The ability to reach out and text L when I go into this anxiety-spin definitely helps me. It gives me a way to channel some energy and thoughts, which otherwise would cause me to implode.
I did go see L today and we talked about my relationship with M. Which for the most part, and in comparison to others is not that bad, I just need more.
I need to communicate.
I need to talk.
And that scares the hell out of me.
I'm not good at needing these, although the flip side is that I consider myself a needy person.
Totally crazy.
Interesting that you are 'allowed' to text like this...I have gotten into anxiety 'holes' also, concerning the T, but have not had this option. Very painful.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is crazy at all - that need to connect makes a lot of sense. You could say the not talking is crazy IMO.
Hey Ellen, yea, the texting really seems to help me, and she not only allows it, but encourages it. She wants to know what goes on in my head, and recapping once-a-week just doesn't cut it for me.
ReplyDeleteIt also helps me stay connected to her, or at least I'm connected better than when I don't touch base with her during the week.
I still can't totally figure out why the fear of talking, but she's pushing me to just take the first step, and supposedly it becomes easier.