Saturday, July 23, 2011

I should be in a much better mood, and I am trying to get there, but not quite yet.  Our vacation started yesterday, me, my wife, and our 5 year old have rented a friends cottage for 2 weeks.  It's a cute place, right on the water, with all the comforts of home, but still 'cottagey'.

It's going to take me a bit to switch into vacation mode, to relax, to just sit and be, to not have my mind race.  I'm trying to just live in the moment.  My daughter and I played for a few hours in the water today.  Of course I enjoy her, and I'm so impressed with how much she's grown this year.  She can now swim underwater and has little fear of running and jumping of the dock.  And she lost another tooth today!

But I have to admit, I also wish I could just take a couple of days to myself.  Where I could just float in the water and not have to constantly entertain my daughter.  My wife did play games this afternoon with S (our daughter) and let me fall asleep on the hammock.  That really was nice.

I'm not sure if I'm going to see L this week.  We sort of had a tentative appointment and I texted her but she hasn't return my text so I'm being a little pouty about that.

Last year during our summer vacation, we rented a cottage for two weeks at a town not far from where we are this year.  But even though we're on vacation, we're actually only about an hour and 15 minutes from home.  So this year, like last year, L has offered to meet at a coffee shop about 45 minutes from where we're at.  Which for her is only about 35 minutes from where she lives.

When she offered it last year, I was really taken aback.  I had only been seeing her for about 6 months, and although she had been supportive, I was still cautious and reserved, never really asking for much more of her time than the normal 60 minutes.

Eventually I did take her up on her offer.  I remember asking my partner M if it was 'weird'.  Was L being way too generous and should it be something I'm weary of?  M said that on the contrary, she thought L was just be accommodating.

Because we were on a two week vacation I saw L twice during that time.  The first time was a little strange, a little awkward.  From I wonder what I should wear, to where the heck is the coffee shop, to should I buy her coffee?? But in the end it all worked out.  It was great to see her as a real person, out in the real world.  I thought I'd be too self-conscious to talk in a public place, but when I eventually got into my 'zone' it was ok. 

This year, because she's on vacation during the second week of our vacation, I'll only get to see her once.  When I saw her last Thursday she asked if we were going to meet next week.  I told her I didn't know.  Of course I want to.  Hell, I'd move in with her if she asked, so of course I want to see her next week!  But I didn't want to admit that to her, although she already knows.  It just feels pathetic going to see my t while on vacation.  Why do I need her so much?  Why can't I just be normal?

But on Friday, after lamenting about it for a day I sent her a text asking if she could do Tuesday morning.  It's now Saturday night and I haven't heard back.  If I was an adult I'd assume she either didn't get it or forgot to reply, so I'd just send her another one.  But at the moment, I'm not quite an adult. 

And even though I'll be on vacation when she goes away, I'm starting to work up some anxiety about that.  Even though I know I can call or text her......


  1. I certainly can relate to "not being an adult." My little one comes out much more as I go through my journey to healing. Appreciate you sharing.

  2. Thanks JBR, it so strange to knowing that I'm being childish, but not being able to change it.