The Blahs

I'm just sitting and staring.  I feel like I want to say more but at the same time it feels like too much work.  How can that be?  How can talking be too much work? 

I'm starting to get concerned that the 'blahs' may turn into something more.  L suggested that maybe I up my meds. I'm on a low dosage of Paxil so even doubling it is not a big deal.  In fact I use to be on the double-dosage but I cut it in half at least 9 months ago. 

I don't like being on meds, who does, but I also don't like the side effects.  I don't like the sexual side effects, it's too frustrating.  I wanted to be able to say this to L last night after she suggested doubling it, but I couldn't. She pushed it for a while and I just wanted to shout to her 'LOOK, these antidepressants affect my ability to have an orgasm, do you know how f'ing frustrating that is? I'm sure you don't!  How could you, you're perfect!'

But of course I didn't.

I'm an old Irish ex-catholic girl who is definitely not comfortable talking about sex.

And to make matters worse, L is a tall, fit, beautiful woman who I'm sure has not trouble in 'this area'.  I'm sure she has a wonderful sex life and men falling at her feet!!!

Of course there's no way I could know that, and of course I'm sure that she has her own problems, but in writing this I just realized that this is one of the reasons I'm nervous about bringing in M for couples counseling.  In my crazy-little-head I feel like L will think less of me. And in a weird way, pity me.

The blahs continue and I've blown my chance to talk this week.  I suppose I could see if she had any more time this week, but it feels like too much work.