Thursday, July 14, 2011

I did it!  Probably not a big deal for most folks, but for me it's HUGE, and for many reasons.

After writing the earlier blog entry I sent L a text:

Me:  So I just need 10 minutes of your time, is that possible?  I can't actually get there today, M's car is in the shop so she has mine.  Maybe a quick call?  Although it's not my thing and I'm not sure if I would talk.  Could do tomorrow but that's probably not good for you.
     Not a problem if you can't, it may let me off the hook anyway.
     It's definitely not a crisis just looking to 'throw up' .  Felt really bad about asking last week and you trying all that you could to fit me in so please don't do that.
    OK, enough of a rant.  Sorry and thanks.

After that I just sort of waited for her response. Oddly though I shut my phone off so I wouldn't hear it ring nor would I hear the familiar beep of an incoming text. 

I had back to back conference calls this morning so as I was sitting at my desk, pretending to be paying attention, my cellphone rang, it was L calling me back.  Naturally my stomach starts doing flips and I get butterflies.  And not to mention the rise of anxiety. 

To answer or not to answer?  That is the question.  Luckily I had a good excuse, I was supposed to be paying attention to work-crap, so I let it go to voice mail. 

In her message she said that she could talk almost anytime today.  She was running a bunch of errands but she could certainly talk in the car.  Or, because she knows that I don't like the whole phone-thing, she could maybe see me tonight.  Tomorrow she takes off for a long weekend so she wouldn't be available again until Monday.

So there I sat.  In my office, staring at the phone.  I shut my office door, but if someone came in they would have found me sitting on my desk.  Not on my chair, but actually on my desk!  Once again more anxiety.  Do I call her back and try and talk?  How would I start?  Would I even get past the hurdle of just talking, never mind talking about S-E-X?!

My mind was racing, just going back-and-forth.  What typically drives me to get past such issues is knowing that if I don't try I'll just stay stuck.  Which is worse?  Trying and failing, or not trying at all?  They certainly both suck, but the not-trying-at-all will keep me in a tailspin for the entire day and probably the entire weekend. 

After staring at her phone number for what seemed like an eternity I finally pressed the SEND button.

On the first ring - maybe she's not in the car anymore and can't answer.
Second ring - what the hell am I doing, I don't even know how to start the conversation
Third ring - She's not answering, what am I going to do?  Hang up?  Leave a message?

Then she answered, all cheery-like too!

And then so it went. She was great, apparently I was pretty good too!  I talked.  Of course for a minute or so I couldn't form complete sentences.  Lots of stopping-and-starting.  Lots of talking around what I wanted to talk about.  And then finally I told her about the antidepressants and the sexual side affects.  I even said the work S-E-X!

It was so good, such a relief.  I did die-of-embarrassment a couple of times, and I told her that.  But luckily it was only short lived.  At least for now.  Cause I know I'll be embarrassed again when I see her face-to-face next week.  Can't think about that now though.

For now I'll just be a little proud of myself.


  1. I recall all too clearly that particular side effect of anti depressants. It's depressing in itself.

  2. Congrats, MaryAnn. That seems huge. I remember the great feeling of satisfaction when I brought up something that was difficult for me to say in therapy - it was like a warm glow. Not sex-related, as I don't have huge issues with that topic, but something that distressed me.

    Sexual side-effects of SSRIs are so bad and so common...I think most people on those drugs get those side effects. It's a sucky aspect of them.

  3. Thanks Ladies.
    I would really love to come off the meds, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea right now.

    I know for sure I don't want to hop on that merry-go-round of trying other drugs.