I need to figure what to do so I thought I try writing out my crazy thoughts.

I know my reaction was irrational.  Well I think I know.

How can I talk to her about why I can't talk to her.  She said that she wonders if I'm angry at her and my not talking is sort of a 'fuck you'.  She's probably right. 

I'm sick of reacting this way.  I'm sick of needing her. 

I bet she's thinking that because she 'knows me' that I'll be sending her some pathetic text shortly. Well I can play that game, and I won't!

And I haven't been ruminating for a while, but looks like that short stint might be over.

I don't like that she has 'power' over me.  I hate how nonchalantly, without even looking up at me, she made known her upcoming plans known.  I wanted to have the same blaise reaction.

Part of me wants to write that pathetic text, part of me doesn't.  I'm trying to make a deal with myself that I'll hold off on texting until tomorrow and if I still feel crappy I will contact her.  That sounds almost rational except if there was a possibility of seeing her tomorrow I would have to set up that time today.

Sitting at the shop missing L right now. Which really is nothing unusual, but it's still frustrating. I just don't understand it. I see her at least once a week, sometimes twice, I can call or text her as much as I like, which I don't, but still the craving continues.

Why?

I told her last week it's some sort of fear, at least that's what it feels like, both physically and mentally. I'm not quite sure what I'm afraid of, and she is always reassuring me that she's not going anywhere, but still the fear persists.

I can feel it in my stomach, my shoulders, and in my throat.

Why? Or better yet, how do I make it go away?

I had this quick text exchange from L today.  It was after I had just left my session with her.  The session was ok, nothing too deep, she's trying to get me to 'feel' or 'accept' that things are going pretty well in my life., and for some reason I can't, or I'm not willing to.
We talked alot about the shop and how it's going, and all the people I've met.  We also talked about Denis Leary, and Sean Penn, and Peter Wolf!

But anyway here's the text and I'm not sure what I meant.....


Me: Needed more. More what?  and why?
L: Not sure, willing to give more
Me: Thanks but I think I'm the one who's supposed to give more.  Or maybe give-up something.
L: Good Thought



Wish I understood more of what I meant.

I have attempted to blog so many times but something always derails me, but I can't tell you how I've missed it and missed interactions with my online 'peeps'! So this may be short, although there's so much to tell, but I figure if I keep it short I'll have a better chance of finishing it.

I'll start with the shop; it's doing well.  We had a great month of July and August has started off even stronger.  Don't get me wrong, we certainly can't survive off of it yet, and we haven't even gone through a New England winter, but we're getting lots of positive feedback and even more return customers.

It's also lots of work. I typically get to the shop around 10:30 in the morning and I don't get home until 10:00 at night, and I'm working 6, if not 7 days a week.  But I'm not complaining, I knew it would be like this for a while (until me make our first million and can hire fulltime staff while we travel the world!!) and I always remind myself that I make hot fudge sundaes for a living now!

It's strange, as much trouble I have with attachent/connection/trust I really love interacting with people all day.....well at least most people, working with john-q public has its challenges as well.  But overall I've meet some interesting people with some amazing stories. And I love dealing with the kids they are so much fun!

In other news, our daughter, who's now 6 is really enjoying her first summer up here. We've made friends with a family that have a 7 year old girl and so we've gone on a few outings. She loved her new school and is looking forward to starting 1st grade.  I still can't believe how much she's grown so I'm trying to enjoy her as much as I can and thanks to some good therapy I'm able to stay very present with her!

Things with my parter M and I have been a bit strained over the past few months. Between her cancer diagnosis, surgery, quitting her job, moving...etc it's been a difficult time for her. Our relationship has had some really good highs but unfortunately the lows have been worst. We were seeing L for couples counseling prior to moving but we stopped because life got to crazy and logistically it's very difficult for both of us to see L as a couple.  But this past weekend we had a really, really bad low so I'm going to talk to L about figuring out a way to see her again, and if we can't make something work then we'll look for someone local.

My therapy with L has been all over the place as well......but unfortunately I'm off to the shop now so I'll have to finish this later.

It's quiet here at the shop today, a little cold and rainy which tends to squelch folks desire for ice cream. But that's ok, I don't mind the quiet day. Business has been pretty good so I really can't complain. And when I'm not worried about finances, and overwhelmed by the changes going on, I really enjoy being at the shop. We've gotten tons of compliments, from the changes to the decor, to the service, to the awesome ice cream we serve. I knew I loved the ice cream, but it's so great to hear it from others. At home we finally have moved the last of our stuff into our new place. But we're still living in chaos and there are boxes piled high everywhere. Our new house is much smaller than our old house, and we just have way too much stuff. I'm hoping this forces us to live a much is simpler life. M is feeling much better. Her surgery went well but the recovery was horrible. She couldn't keep any food down for days. The doctors aren't sure if it was the anesthesia or the antibiotics or the pain meds that we're giving her problems. But happily she's doing much better. Although it's gonna take a while to get her synthroid levels correct. And she still has radiation at the end of this month to get through. I did see L last Friday. I was there for over 2 hours, and it went pretty well. I had so much to catch her up on, and I couldn't believe how the time flew. But even though it was really great to see her, I still left wanting more. Unfortunately we never had 'that' conversation, and the want has increased over the past few days. After reading a fellow bloggers recommended post this morning I was able to work up the courage to send a needy text, to which she quickly responded. Telling me how wonderful it was to see me last week and that she's still here and I can call or text as much as I like. She said she likes hearing from me. The texting did help, but only a bit. I still want to share more with her but right now I'm holding back, hoping it passes. Or that I can hold on until I see her on Friday.

I finally get to see L tomorrow morning. I think it's been about 3 weeks since I last saw her. We've exchange a couple of short texts, and one sort-of smarmy text from me. I was pissed/ticked that with all the changes going on in my life that she hadn't checked in on me at all. At the same time I know how childish it was, but I did feel better after my childish rant. I'm trying not to expect too much from tomorrow, but I really need something from her, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess I'll just come out and say it.....I want to feel her love, her caring. I need to feel the realness of it, but I'm so afraid I won't. And I I won't because either I won't let myself feel/believe it, or it really just doesn't exist. I was thinking of texting her today to tell her that I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow,and I need her to be phenomenal, but I'm thinking that maybe too much pressure to put on her. Not to mention that if I tell her upfront the I'll question her sincerity......damn I'm crazy.

I guess I'm having a mini tantrum right now, but it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to!!  I haven't seen L in nearly 2 weeks, and she hasn't reached out to me at all.  And of course I know she's not supposed to, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better.

I want to contact her, but I more want her to contact me! I'm the one going through multiple life changing events and if she cared she just sent a quick text.  I did breakdown last week and send her a picture of the new sign for the shop, and she did respond, sending me 'good karma' for the Friday opening, but that's been it. 

Nothing.  No call, no email, no text. 

I could be dead on the side of the road for all she knows.