I'm back in 'that place' again.  The anger, the mistrust, the push-pull.  It's been coming on for a couple of weeks and it got pretty bad yesterday.  I'm so lost in my thoughts, withdrawn, I can't get her out of my head.

Today I had to cancel because my daughter was home sick.  Part of me was relieved and part of me is...well I'm not quite sure. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I did have this weird, brief moment in which I really thought she cared, but it was all a misunderstanding.  She is going to be up in my neck of the woods tomorrow, she has an appointment and she suggested we meet after as it would save me four hours-round trip.  Unfortunately I couldn't get anyone to cover the shop for me so instead we confirmed a time for today, and I would just drive the two hours each way that I normally do.  But because of my daughter I sent her a text saying I had to cancel today.  She then sent me a text later so 'OK, see you tomorrow'.  I was confused, as we were supposed to meet today because I have to work tomorrow.  And then I got it in my head that because she was up here anyway tomorrow, she would just stop by my shop. We couldn't have a session but it would be great to have her come by. Unfortunately that was never the case.  She just forgot, and now I'm back to hating her.

I know these feelings are childish, and probably not even meant for  her, mostly.  But knowing that doesn't change anything.

Yesterday was Easter so I drove down (reluctantly) to visit some family for the day.  Because my wife and daughter were spending the weekend with family, they were already there, so I had a long drive to myself, which I typically like.  Unfortunately because I was in the area, and alone, I drove by my ex-T's house, twice.  It was a little weird be back in that town again, where I had spent so much time, and now we don't even speak. Sad

I think I've made progress.  The anxiety doesn't happen as often, although it still does happen.  But even when it does I can quite often distract myself, not always but often. Things that happen between us don't turn into a big rupture, atleast not in the same way.
I talked to her today, she's says more than I have in the past.  She's smart, she remembers most things I've told her, even things I've forgotten. I think it helped, or I guess I'm hopeful that it will even though I feel like I'm still in a daze.
I couldn't tell her about the dream I had about her last night, and there is some guilty pleasure in reliving the dream, but too embarrassing to tell her. I'm confident that she would be fine with it and see it for what it really was, but I still couldn't get those words out.  Not even sure I wanted to.
We did talk about longing, and maternal feelings, and me being lost in my thoughts.  I told her how I often go for drives.  Partly because I'm still learning the lay of the land up here and it's so damn beautiful, the mountains and the lakes.  But then I also like indulging in my thoughts, and it's my time all alone.
We briefly touched on my being jealous of her family and friends and me keeping her on a pedestal.  But it was late and we were out of time.
I just don't know where or how she fits into my life.  Maybe it's even an 'if' she fits, cause maybe she's not supposed to.  I hope that's not true.
I really want/need to keep delving into this more, I hope she holds me to it.  She usually does a pretty good job of knowing when to push or not.

Need to get out the intensity of the anxiety, the thoughts, the wants, the longing.  I seem to lose that intensity by the time I get there and then it's hard to find the right words, to recreate it without minimizing it.
What are the thoughts? They are about her in one way or another.  What is she doing?  Who is she with?  Wishing/longing for her to be my mom/big sister. Hating her for having these feelings.  Jealous of her friends and family; people she chooses to be with in her free time.  I see pictures of her on Facebook or comments she's written and it makes me ache.
I know it's not normal, and I also know it doesn't make me crazy.  I'm just embarrassed to tell her, I also hate that she has one-up on me, making me clearly weaker in the relationship.  Hmm, wonder what that means.
I also don't believe what she tells me, except of course for the times I do.
I hate her.  I love her.  fucked
I do ok, I fall apart.  I miss her, I'm fine.  push. pull.
I picture myself telling her this stuff, trying to purge the crazy thoughts.  I picture myself telling her that she can't say anything, she can't respond.  Mostly because I won't believe her as she tries to help me feel better, tries to help me normalize my thoughts.
I know my stuff is irrational responses, but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I want to tell her that I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have her hold me.  I want to tell her that sometimes when I hold/hug Sam I want the same from her.  The unconditional love that I have for sam I want from her.  I know it's irrational.
Need to get this out.  I feel like all I ever do is talk about this with her but I think the reality is that I don't.  I imagine it all the time in my head, I live with it all inside, and maybe I sometimes allude to it with her but it never comes flowing out of my mouth.  I never really purge it, I just walk around with it.
(still picturing talking with her) I look at your pictures on Facebook when I miss you, when I want to talk to you, or just know you're still around. I like to read things you've commented on as I can feel your presence more, it's more 'alive' than a picture, i can really hear you talking.

So the delay in your response (sent a text Friday at 6:30 and you returned it at 10:00pm on Sunday) sent me on a bit of a whirlwind.  And now I'm feeling like an ass.  I hope she doesn't hate me. I just assumed that she forgot about me and I'm really not a priority, nor should I be.  She has a life and I can't be sucking the life out of her.  Part of me feels bad that she spent time trying to rearrange hers, and other peoples schedules. I wanted to see her Monday AND Wednesday this week, and now the delay has twisted my thinking all around again. I was mad at her and now I'm afraid that she's mad at me.  fucked again.

Just exchanged a few texts with her.  Really was bothered by her telling me that I still had my wednesday morning spot.  I hated being referred to as a 'spot'. And I also know I'm being childish and petty.  crap

How do you know when to let go? How do you know if you should forgive and forget or when it's time to cut bait? Looking at pictures of her I see warmth, compassion, fun, relaxed.  Do I see trustworthy? Maybe it's time to just really, and I mean really, trust her? Funny that it's still a question and not yet a statement.
I wonder if L is really too good to be true.Of course she's not perfect, although part of me would argue that.what if I went in there tomorrow trusting her? just being happy she's part of my life. I gotta start letting some of these thoughts/feelings out.

She's back and I can't believe how good I feel.  Not too crazy good, and not manic good, but humming while I work good.  It's frustrating to still get the anxiety when I don't see her, although it clearly has gone down by leaps and bounds.  I have been going every other week since December and I was handling it well, including over the holidays.  So this time caught me a little off guard.  Still very familiar though.  Maybe it was cause she was actually 'away' in Florida with her daughter.  She was still very much reachable and we exchanged a few texts over the 10 days she was gone. But anxiety continued to rear it's ugly head. although on a scale of one to ten it probably got as high as a six, so that's that too bad, at least in comparison to other times.

Why is she always on my mind?  Why do I want to know everything about her? What kind of tooth paste, where did she have dinner last night, what is her morning routine?  Why am I constantly wondering 'wonder what L is doing right now'? I bet she would tell me to just ask her, text her when it comes up.  But I'm afraid I'll probably use up all of her data minutes. And also that she'd really know the extent of my obsession.

But why?  It's definitely mother-crap.  In my nearly-50 years I have become obsessed/infatuated with a few other women.  I do remember this happening with my 1st grade teacher, a co-worker when I was in my early twenties, and my first therapist when I was in my early twenties.  In fact the obsession/infatuation with my co-worker is what led me to seek therapy in the first place. Although it was shrouded by depression and complicated by my finally accepting my sexuality so I certainly wasn't tackling my attachment stuff head on then.

Sent L a text over 2 days ago and I haven't heard back.  It wasn't anything earth shattering, it was anything that she technically needed to respond to, but it's throwing me for a bit of a loop.  Not a major loop, but certainly one that convinced me to take some Vitamin 'A' (ativan) last night.  I pulled away from my family and spent the night reading, 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'.

Of course logically I have it under control, let's see......she didn't get the text, she did get the text but I didn't get her response, she did get the text but then her phone died and after recharging it she forgot to reply, or she thought she replied but forgot to hit the send button, she lost her phone

She's now gone til the 13th.  Not too far, certainly reachable by phone and within the same time zone.  I guess it's just the old abandonment crap again....still.

I wonder it this is what asthma feels like? Like you can't get your breath? That you just can't get enough air.

Haven't really had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, was able to get thru the holidays and even get thru seeing L only every couple weeks.  Been doing ok, but now it's reared it's ugly head a bit.

I'm sure it's because L is going away for a week, even though with me going every other week I wouldn't have technically missed my session, it's still throwing me.

We had a really good conversation a few weeks ago.  Talked alot about need, and boundaries, and Facebook...etc.

But now I'm back feeling like I can't get enough, and will never get enough....of her?