I think I need to learn to just accept, and specifically not judge, my thoughts and feelings.  Most of the time I really hate how I react, especially to L.  For instance, I sent her a text this morning, it was brief and not really in need of a reply.  I wrote "Still in a fog". It's now late in the afternoon and she hasn't replied and I feel myself getting angry with her, returning to the 'Fuck you's'.

Now logically I know that just because she hasn't responded to me doesn't mean she doesn't care, but my emotional reaction (or over reaction) gets a hold of me and I can't let it go.  And then I just start to spiral out of control and down the nasty hole of mistrust and anger.  Once again, in my head I know it isn't right, but it doesn't matter.

The next thing is that I try to flee from these feelings, and I can't.  I sometimes feel like I act like a person who's being attacked by a swarm of bees and I try and get away as fast as I can.  But the more I swat at them the angrier they respond.

So, for today, for right now I'm trying not to flee, I'm trying not to judge......

And the other thing I want to work on, need to work on, is accepting who she is, and isn't in my life.....

So I went today and I talked, sort of.  It look me awhile, lots of 'warm up' talking first.  Debated about just leaving. I was getting frustrated by everything she was trying.  Sarcasm at it's best.

Why do I keep fighting this? And at the same time I would love a chance to see her again this week.

I hate that there are boundaries around this/our relationship. Although I don't really need/want more from her.  Don't get me wrong I guess I wish we were friends, but only cause I like her and it just seems like what one would naturally do with someone they 'click' with, but that's not the part that eats at me.

I guess what gets to me is questioning that she really cares, cause if she cared she'd want to be my friend too?  Is that part of it?

She told me today that I can ask her anything I want, and she'll tell me.  But she won't just offer up anything, especially if she thinks I can't handle it or it's not good for me. I suppose if I were a rational person I would see that as caring. I do wonder what it's like to be rational, normal.......

I'm not sure what this stage of our therapeutic relationship is called. I'm still looking to, or feel more comfortable being angry with her. There is some delight in being able to be legitimately angry at her. Like a weird pleasure when she has screwed up. 

 Unfortunately I know she's also the 'perfect' therapist. Not because she doesn't make mistakes, no it's even worse (or better) than that.....when she makes them she owns up to them, and willingly validates what I usually call my  'crazy' reactions. 

She also lets me, in fact encourages me to text as much as I want and at any time of the night or day. Not that she always promptly replies, but I'm ok with that, I usually don't expect her to. She tells me she doesn't want me to sit with uncomfortable feelings if I don't have to.

She also almost always makes time for me. Because its now a 2 hour ride for me, each way, she often will meet me halfway at a coffee shop.

She lets me cancel without charging.

She sees me for at least 90 minutes, and has always supported my request for a second session during the week.

She discloses much about herself, appropriately and encourages me to ask anything I want.


But I'm finding myself continually questioning the realness or the authenticity of the relationship. I'm angry that I have to pay her to talk to me, or to care. Even though I know that's not true, sort of. But I still have a lot of 'fuck you' feelings towards her. Logically I suppose those feelings are really meant for my mother

I can't seem to reconcile, one way or another what this relationship is and is it good for me.  I've been going round and round with this for so long but I still can't find a place for it. I hate her, I love her. Push, pull.

Why can't I just willingly accept all she has offered, and continues to offer?
Why can't I just walk away?
Well will I find the gray?........before I turn gray??

I need to figure what to do so I thought I try writing out my crazy thoughts.

I know my reaction was irrational.  Well I think I know.

How can I talk to her about why I can't talk to her.  She said that she wonders if I'm angry at her and my not talking is sort of a 'fuck you'.  She's probably right. 

I'm sick of reacting this way.  I'm sick of needing her. 

I bet she's thinking that because she 'knows me' that I'll be sending her some pathetic text shortly. Well I can play that game, and I won't!

And I haven't been ruminating for a while, but looks like that short stint might be over.

I don't like that she has 'power' over me.  I hate how nonchalantly, without even looking up at me, she made known her upcoming plans known.  I wanted to have the same blaise reaction.

Part of me wants to write that pathetic text, part of me doesn't.  I'm trying to make a deal with myself that I'll hold off on texting until tomorrow and if I still feel crappy I will contact her.  That sounds almost rational except if there was a possibility of seeing her tomorrow I would have to set up that time today.

Sitting at the shop missing L right now. Which really is nothing unusual, but it's still frustrating. I just don't understand it. I see her at least once a week, sometimes twice, I can call or text her as much as I like, which I don't, but still the craving continues.

Why?

I told her last week it's some sort of fear, at least that's what it feels like, both physically and mentally. I'm not quite sure what I'm afraid of, and she is always reassuring me that she's not going anywhere, but still the fear persists.

I can feel it in my stomach, my shoulders, and in my throat.

Why? Or better yet, how do I make it go away?

I had this quick text exchange from L today.  It was after I had just left my session with her.  The session was ok, nothing too deep, she's trying to get me to 'feel' or 'accept' that things are going pretty well in my life., and for some reason I can't, or I'm not willing to.
We talked alot about the shop and how it's going, and all the people I've met.  We also talked about Denis Leary, and Sean Penn, and Peter Wolf!

But anyway here's the text and I'm not sure what I meant.....


Me: Needed more. More what?  and why?
L: Not sure, willing to give more
Me: Thanks but I think I'm the one who's supposed to give more.  Or maybe give-up something.
L: Good Thought



Wish I understood more of what I meant.

I have attempted to blog so many times but something always derails me, but I can't tell you how I've missed it and missed interactions with my online 'peeps'! So this may be short, although there's so much to tell, but I figure if I keep it short I'll have a better chance of finishing it.

I'll start with the shop; it's doing well.  We had a great month of July and August has started off even stronger.  Don't get me wrong, we certainly can't survive off of it yet, and we haven't even gone through a New England winter, but we're getting lots of positive feedback and even more return customers.

It's also lots of work. I typically get to the shop around 10:30 in the morning and I don't get home until 10:00 at night, and I'm working 6, if not 7 days a week.  But I'm not complaining, I knew it would be like this for a while (until me make our first million and can hire fulltime staff while we travel the world!!) and I always remind myself that I make hot fudge sundaes for a living now!

It's strange, as much trouble I have with attachent/connection/trust I really love interacting with people all day.....well at least most people, working with john-q public has its challenges as well.  But overall I've meet some interesting people with some amazing stories. And I love dealing with the kids they are so much fun!

In other news, our daughter, who's now 6 is really enjoying her first summer up here. We've made friends with a family that have a 7 year old girl and so we've gone on a few outings. She loved her new school and is looking forward to starting 1st grade.  I still can't believe how much she's grown so I'm trying to enjoy her as much as I can and thanks to some good therapy I'm able to stay very present with her!

Things with my parter M and I have been a bit strained over the past few months. Between her cancer diagnosis, surgery, quitting her job, moving...etc it's been a difficult time for her. Our relationship has had some really good highs but unfortunately the lows have been worst. We were seeing L for couples counseling prior to moving but we stopped because life got to crazy and logistically it's very difficult for both of us to see L as a couple.  But this past weekend we had a really, really bad low so I'm going to talk to L about figuring out a way to see her again, and if we can't make something work then we'll look for someone local.

My therapy with L has been all over the place as well......but unfortunately I'm off to the shop now so I'll have to finish this later.