I'm not sure what this stage of our therapeutic relationship is called. I'm still looking to, or feel more comfortable being angry with her. There is some delight in being able to be legitimately angry at her. Like a weird pleasure when she has screwed up.
Unfortunately I know she's also the 'perfect' therapist. Not because she doesn't make mistakes, no it's even worse (or better) than that.....when she makes them she owns up to them, and willingly validates what I usually call my 'crazy' reactions.
She also lets me, in fact encourages me to text as much as I want and at any time of the night or day. Not that she always promptly replies, but I'm ok with that, I usually don't expect her to. She tells me she doesn't want me to sit with uncomfortable feelings if I don't have to.
She also almost always makes time for me. Because its now a 2 hour ride for me, each way, she often will meet me halfway at a coffee shop.
She lets me cancel without charging.
She sees me for at least 90 minutes, and has always supported my request for a second session during the week.
She discloses much about herself, appropriately and encourages me to ask anything I want.
But I'm finding myself continually questioning the realness or the authenticity of the relationship. I'm angry that I have to pay her to talk to me, or to care. Even though I know that's not true, sort of. But I still have a lot of 'fuck you' feelings towards her. Logically I suppose those feelings are really meant for my mother
I can't seem to reconcile, one way or another what this relationship is and is it good for me. I've been going round and round with this for so long but I still can't find a place for it. I hate her, I love her. Push, pull.
Why can't I just willingly accept all she has offered, and continues to offer?
Why can't I just walk away?
Well will I find the gray?........before I turn gray??