Thursday, March 21, 2013

I think I need to learn to just accept, and specifically not judge, my thoughts and feelings.  Most of the time I really hate how I react, especially to L.  For instance, I sent her a text this morning, it was brief and not really in need of a reply.  I wrote "Still in a fog". It's now late in the afternoon and she hasn't replied and I feel myself getting angry with her, returning to the 'Fuck you's'.

Now logically I know that just because she hasn't responded to me doesn't mean she doesn't care, but my emotional reaction (or over reaction) gets a hold of me and I can't let it go.  And then I just start to spiral out of control and down the nasty hole of mistrust and anger.  Once again, in my head I know it isn't right, but it doesn't matter.

The next thing is that I try to flee from these feelings, and I can't.  I sometimes feel like I act like a person who's being attacked by a swarm of bees and I try and get away as fast as I can.  But the more I swat at them the angrier they respond.

So, for today, for right now I'm trying not to flee, I'm trying not to judge......

And the other thing I want to work on, need to work on, is accepting who she is, and isn't in my life.....

1 comment:

  1. The first thought that popped into my mind was: who does she remind you of? Who hasn't heard you in the past? Who have you tried to reach, but they weren't responding back?

    I've done the same with Daisy - and even recently. I get angry that she hasn't returned my call, when I think that she should've.

    One time that sticks out, when I felt like I needed her the most (and she didn't return my call - and a message I left for her), I remember talking about it. She bluntly said that I didn't ask her to call me back - and she wasn't sure if she should. And so she didn't. More recently, I left a message on her machine and asked that she call me back, and she did. I realized that I needed to ask for what I want - because she cannot read my mind. Even though we see them as superheros, they are just normal people. Just as we don't always know how to respond to others, they don't either.

    Ask her to respond, let her know that you are in need of that. Perhaps it will help. Perhaps she doesn't know what you're in need of. Don't be afraid to speak up and tell her what you need - I know she will be receptive to it.