I may just be starting to know it's not ME people are leaving.  It's just life. It happens.

Wow.

Don't misunderstand though, I am still pissed at her leaving this week.  How can I hold such opposing views? Although this morning I do feel a wee bit better.  But is it cause she's safely home now? Or because maybe under getting a better understanding of this? Or both I suppose. 

I don't like change either.  I think maybe it's just change that I can't control? Interesting. Like I'm typically ok when I go away, but not when she leaves. I go crazy. This past week was particularly hard, and I'm not sure it was just Mark's death that pushed me nearly over the edge. That certainly didn't help, but it was her leaving.  How embarrassing and shameful.

Her retiring, or moving is not her abandoning me. Hmmm.

Wonder how long I'll be able to believe this?

So I'm feeling alone because Celia's gone?  Can I really admit that to myself?

We're supposed to Facetime in about 2 hours.  I just got high and now I can't decide if I should try and write or if I should sleep it off, live in my head for a bit.

A friend/business acquaintance died today, and that has really shaken me.  I asked one of the kids to come in and work my hours today. I'm in sort of a fog. Almost  feel like I died.  Does that even make sense?

I wonder if I should tell Celia about my suicide thoughts.  Not suicidal thoughts, like I'm gonna kill myself right now, or tomorrow.  But I do contemplate it a bit.

She asked me on Monday, 'what did I need from her?' I'm not sure what she was looking for, or how  I should answer her? And really, do I really need her, or anything for that matter?  Not to get too deep, but isn't she the one to show me that Li's leaving didn't crush me?.  I survived. She pointed that out to me. Didn't she say that although I may have thought I needed Li  I truly didn't.

I wonder what would happen in someone found all my writing, journals, blog, what they would think.


After, or maybe even before we hung up I was angry.  Or maybe hurt or maybe rejected.

This is what I wanted to text you this morning:
A while ago you told me that your therapist, the one who died, practically raised you.  That is such a strong, meaningful statement and that's the kind of relationship I want with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to, which I guess I understand.  I should have that with M, not the 'practically raised by' part but a deep meaningful one. I felt yesterday that you were pushing me away, pushing me towards M.  I feel like I can't have what I think I want or need, but maybe I'm not worth it.  I've been telling myself to not text and now here I am wanting to.

How much and often can I text you?

I was able to distract myself and hold off on texting celia yesterday.  Still feeling the urge today, but Mark's death and funeral today is keeping it down. I did up my Abilify yesterday, so a little of the darkness has been lifted, but it's definitely still there.  Not looking forward to going today.  I'll be leaving shortly but I'm still actively debating it.

Still feeling down. Just stupidly looked up Celia on Facebook, just for a connection; wish I hadn't.  Normally she has her settings set to private so all I could usually see is some old pics of her.  But this time they were recent.  Pics of her and her husband away this past week.  Pics of her new house, on a lake.  Really nice place.  I don't plan on telling her this as last time she secured her page so I couldn't see anything.  Not sure what's change but it has sent me spiraling down even more.  I guess seeing her post such happy photos makes me jealous.

How will I be able to face her? Why does it make me feel so bad?  Is it just because it reminds me of how Not in her life I am? I'm not allowed to know anything about her?

Funny, I woke last night around 3am and I thought I had made it. I thought I was feeling better and not longing to see Celia.  But then something changed after I had woken back up from finally falling asleep.  Something shifted.  I was back to being sad.

I'm probably bothered by Celia's post because she's in a good place and I'm not.

It's Sunday, she flies home today but I'm still wanting to text her, and at the same time still angry with her.  They are both pretty crazy thoughts, not based in reality at all.  She doesn't hold all the cards, neither the good or the bad, does she?

I feel sort of 'ok' today.  I've been able to fend off the need to text Celia, although of course I still want to.  I want to connect with her, I want to ask her when her flight leaves, and more importantly when does she come back. We'll Facetime next week, on Monday and Wednesday and I know I'm pretty lucky to be able to.  I also wanted to ask how many clients she will be 'seeing' next week.  I want to feel special to her. But I probably won't ask her that.

We did some good work yesterday, atleast I think we did.  This morning I couldn't 'live in my head'.  Which means I was able to talk with her, but I still miss the comfort of living in my head. I'm gonna get high later which will help me escape for a bit.

I was even able to tell her about being angry with her the other day.  Not used to telling somebody that, especially when logically I don't really have a valid reason to be mad.  But maybe I'll be able to share more uncomfortable, non-logical feelings/thoughts with her.  Maybe it will help with the attachment and obsessive thoughts.  Maybe there's hope yet?

I was angry when I left today.  It felt like I didn't have enough time and she didn't have the time for me.  Although logically I know it was the normal Monday-50-minute session.  And I know I never think it's enough time when I do the 50 minute sessions.  I also wanted to leave with some answers, come clarity, some way of easing the angst. But that did not happen

I know I disassociate, and it's bothersome, but I also think alot of my crap has to do with attachment. And maybe I've pathologicalized the attachment? the dependency? feeling like I need Celia way too much?  That's what I meant when I said I can't breath.  It's more like I'm holding my breath, waiting for my next appointment.  That's what I get lost in thought about.

Spent most of the night thinking about this whole disassociating thing.  And I do disassociate some but it's really the inbetween session stuff that is affecting me now.  So much time thinking about therapy.  Missing Celia.  Sort of wishing I meant something to her.  But I say 'sort of' because I wished for that with Li and look where that got me.  Sometimes I really feel like I'm going crazy.  So crazy that I wish I could do something to make it stop.  I know that means suicide, although I'm 98% certain that I would never do that, but the thoughts are sometimes there.

I want to tell Celia that think she was wrong about the disassociating thing.  Well I guess not completely wrong but that I really thing the focus should be attachment and transference.  The longing for someone to really care about me, to be truly interested in what I'm thinking and feeling.

The dependence is difficult to get my head around. It feels so wrong. And maybe triggering?   The needy feeling sends me to a state of anxiety as well.

Wonder if any of this right now is triggered by you leaving next week?

This feeling of 'neediness' is very similar to my experience with Janice, which in fact led me to therapy, figuratively and literally.  I was obsessed with her.  It's never been in a romantic way, with any of them.  But I always wanted to know where Janice was.  I craved her attention.  But not getting enough of it, which I probably never could spiraled into a deep depression, and full on living in my head.  I would find excuses to go by her office, to talk with her.  Would take extra care in her requests and her clients, in hopes of pleasing her.  Even though I really didn't like babysitting, I jumped at the opportunity to watch her kids.  Sometimes we would go out and socialize, I hated when other people where and crave deep conversations with her.  I remember once when I had told her that I was having a hard time in therapy she offered to pick me up after a session.  I was so happy, I thought we'd get a chance to have a meaningful conversation, but instead she brought her kids and literally just picked me up and drove me home.  I was crushed.

Lots of thoughts/some dreams about Celia leaving me (ok, not really leaving me).  I'm feeling angry about it, which means I'm feeling angry about going to see her today. I can't get past the 'feeling' thing.

Therapy hangover.  It's got to be one of the worst parts about going to therapy.  The day, or two, after.
It's a feeling, just a feeling, and thoughts.  I feel the need to get high just to be able to better articulate what happens.
It's very lonely.  And scary.  I crave to reach out to Celia.  And I feel like my thoughts and feelings will continue to spiral until I touch base with her, know she's there.
Sometimes I am able to distract myself and get my head out of therapy, but not lately.  I'm not sure if it's because I don't actually want to distract myself, or it's something else.
I'm supposed to meet up with Li on Monday.  I'm nervous about that and not sure I really want to go.
So now I sit in that familiar place, to text Celia or not?  I'm hoping writing will curtail the urge and also conjure up the words to talk about it with her on Monday.
Do I just drop her a text?  I really hate bothering her, even though she has told me that I'm not.

Sent her a text.  Damn I'm crazy

When I most comfortable with myself?  When I am home alone, living in my head.  Weird?  Probably.

I hate scheduling problems.  Makes me feel like I don't matter.  And is that an old feeling?  Probably. But it still doesn't mean that it's not true, that I matter. I'm a little jealous of her clients in Tennessee. And yes, I understand that its crazy to believe that. Although I have to admit that I seem to be processing a bit different than I normally do.  I also held off on a funny comment, which would have been made to lighten the mood, at least in my head.

I'm scared to connect, really connect with C. Funny, can't even write her full name.  I think it will be too much.  I think I will be too much.

Should I text her or not this weekend.  With us not doing Monday's session, because of Labor Day, and me having a hard time with that, she suggested I text so I don't feel so disconnected and anxious.

I think I may  need to talk about 'hugging' again soon....see what I mean about being too much.

Was Li a narcissist? Or just my mother? Or am I drawn to narcissistic people? Am I a narcissist?

There must have been a time before the anger, before pushing her away, before putting up the walls?  I wonder when that was. I assume it wasn't one incident that then launched a thousand walls, but a culmination of events. Is that the reason for the longing now.

I miss the text messages between Li and I.  Not the agonizing ones, like if we're in the middle of a rupture.  But the funny ones, which were also therapeutic.

I definitely don't want to need Celia.

How can I trust Celia?  And should I trust her to the extent that I really want to?

How do you know when to fight for someone, or let them go?

As an update, I did text Celia yesterday.
Me: So my text...It's a longing, wish I understood it better, but how to get past it? A rhetorical question for now.
C: I'm hear; listening..We will keep talking it through, together.

I felt better after the text exchange, now the question rises again Do I text Celia? And I have been thinking about texting L too.  Guess it's just one of those weekends.  Maybe cause my wife and daughter have been away?  Too much alone time.

With Claire and Li I always felt best and less obsessive when I felt connected. I am scared to feel that with Celia. Maybe I don't want to feel good? Maybe I'm convinced she'll leave? Maybe I don't want her thinking I'm ok?

I wish , like I did with Claire and Li , that she would sit next to me.

Maybe it's not connection, but feeling secure?  Is that possible? I finally get what a 'secure base' means to me. Very interesting

I wish Celia sat next to me. Sometimes I imagine what that would look and feel like. Sometimes I picture us talking outside sitting on a bench.

Maternal transference, I'm assuming that's what it is, and it's time to talk about it.  But how do I tell her that she's on my mind a lot?  Wondering what she's doing, what her kids are like, stories from her life, how many brothers and/or sisters, what are/were her parents like?  I wonder how she sees me. And why, if at all, these conversations are important, what do they mean?   I need to really explore this a lot more, but how?

Intuition

How do I learn to listen to it?  To even recognize it?

Was it truly intuition?  My constant fear that Li would leave.  And even though she promised in all kids of ways, I never believed her.  I was always questioning 'when would the other shoe drop'.
Now, is that old crap?  attachment-related stuff?  Or is/was it my intuition?

Does she get me? A question only I can answer.
.
Yes, she gets me.  It's a strange feeling.  Wonder if it's true.

And Li, what I need from her is honestly. Wonder if I get it, if I can get it.

I met with Li.  It's been 10 months since we last saw each other.  It was good, not great, but mostly anticlimactic.  I wanted more.  I wanted a much deeper conversation, but that didn't happen.  It felt like she didn't really want to go there, although she certainly took ownership of what has transpired with us since she left, but we spent most of the time simply catching up on each others lives.

Halfway thru the conversation I realized that I needed to bring up how things ended.  I finally swayed the conversation over that way and told her that it's been hard since she left.  I missed her, but the way she handled it seemed careless ('careless' is how C has described it, and it fits ).  All Li had to say was 'she hears that'.  She didn't offer up excuses, which I was so afraid she would, but other than referencing 'financial problems' she didn't expound on it at all.  I needed much more.  Maybe I needed her to be more of a 'therapist' and help me explore that a lot more.  And maybe that's unfair cause she's not my therapist anymore.

I did try bringing the conversation back around one more time but she didn't bite.

We sent up another time to meet at the end of next month.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to more direct with her about how the ending is/was confusing to me, and hopefully I'll be more clear on what I would like to hear from her.  And maybe we can discuss what our 'relationship', if any, may look like going forward.


I've been missing C today.  I'm not sure why though.  I see her now on Monday and Wednesdays, which I think has helped me be less anxious, but today is Friday and Monday seems like a long time away.  Maybe part of it is that I'll be away on Monday so our session will be via Skype.  I'm getting used to the Skyping, but it does lack something too, or atleast in my head it does.

She texted me back.  Three days later....and of course there's more.

 L text: I have been hiking in #$%#@ and doing research. hope this gets to you will be back in a city by Monday.  No excuse for not being in touch.  I am very proud of the life that you've made for yourself and family.  We sorted out a lot of things together.  I've probably taken on more than I'm capable of doing and always feel like I'm trying to catch up.  L.

Been playing it over it my head since,  Being discussing it alot with Celia too.  Even as I just reread her text (for the first time) I feel I'm softening up a bit about it.

And is she therapist or friend?  Seems like there needs to another option.

There's a lot more that I want to write and share, but a nap calls.

So I emailed Li.  It was only a couple of hours ago and I don't think I regret it, at least not yet.

It's been almost a year, can't believe it.  It sort of feels like you never existed, or maybe that's a defense mechanism.  I miss you, but you certainly have continued to hurt me.  Why would you tell me that we'd still have a relationship, why would you continuously reply to my occasional requests for contact in a supportive manner but never follow thru?  I just don't understand.  I still miss your hugs, but at the same time question there authenticity.  We did a lot of good work yet it left me with additional crap too.  Have been hoping to talk about this with you in person but trying to figure out a way to accept that this may never happen.

No response yet.  Could have so much more.  Was it ok to send?  Wish I could have really, really expressed my hurt and anger, but I guess that would have been wrong.

I wish I remembered more.

Does everyone have a dirty little secret or two?

If your wondering, then the answer is Yes.

I'm thinking I was probably 'funny'.  That was my thing?

Wonder what the top 10 secrets people keep are?

Sister K and I used to play together as kids.  I remember.  Lots of playing 'school'. And I was 'musically' close to my brother J.  He introduced me the music of the 30's, 40's, 50's...etc.  From Etta James to Chrissie Hynde.  And we even worked together, side by side for a few years.  Pretty intense years if I remember correctly.  Lots of drug use so not everything is clear.  Even after that. When I was with L.  But when I left L, J and I drifted apart.  Lots of anger on my part. Lots. He experienced J with me too.  The acts, and the feelings that I accuse him of, are they real?  Accurate?

I don't really remember my other 4 brothers and sisters.  And not much of my parents.  Other relatives, other than my cousin C, my aunt AR, and a little of my grandmas.

Then there's the friendship I had with L.  We grew up together.  From age twelve to twenty. I have never had a closer friend, than with L. And then lose touch for 30 years. And then how could she have turned out the way she did.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing in therapy?  Telling Celia my most important relationships and how they have affected me?  Hmmm

If I'm wondering, then I hope the answer is Yes.

I of course know better, but I keep hoping she would check in with me.  Didn't feel great leaving the therapy bubble yesterday.  Of course she won't, but a girl can hope, right?
Really wanted to talk about a hug, but there was only 10 minutes left and it wouldn't have been fair.

But not just 'fairness' but 'fearness' kept me away from it to.  I wanted to leave with a hug but I'm 99% sure that she wouldn't have given me one.  I'm also 99.9% sure it would have felt uncomfortable even if we did.

It's possible that she reads this.  She has the site address.  Do I want her to read it?  Maybe.  Although it would probably be as uncomfortable knowing she read it as it would be getting that hug.

I didn't leave feeling great, or connected, and now we're both off on vacation.  And although we'll Skype for a short session next week I won't see her for a week and a half. The intensity will probably wear off by then.

I teeter between sending her a text message, not to discuss it but to blurt some crap out to get it out of my head, knowing we can discuss it on our Skype on Tuesday.  Hmmmm, maybe Skype would be safer, although a bit awkward, but then there would be no chance for an awkward hug.

Should I send Li a text?  I suppose it would be a somewhat angry/hurt one.  Is that appropriate?  My wife said she would send Li one if I wanted to.  M wants to understand why Li hasn't reach out to me since she left, even though she has promised to multiple times, in writing (texts).  Why would she lie to me?  Maybe good intentions, but careless as Celia has said.
Would I like to meet her in person to discuss?  I think so, but would I be strong enough? Should I wait? and if so then should I wait on the text?

I just want to sit and stare. Take it all in. What are my takeaways? Are these thing she talks about even possible? And does she really mean it when she says she has my back? Is it contrived? Just doing my job ma'am.  How do I actually ask her for what I want? These things are embarrassing. How can you aak someone to care about you? for you?

How can I be sure that I won't break her? That my needs and wants are gonna be too much?
I wanna know that you think of me when I'm not here.

The feeling, or maybe the potential feeling that she cares is intoxicating.
Li is not completely gone, although some things have lessened
Why did she string me along?  Feel like texting her that.  Should I? She'll probably have a really good explanation and then I'll feel bad.

Randomness....is that a word?

It was a good session, not too many silences.  I talked but I guess I didn't go deep enough, didn't connect on the level that makes me feel 'full'.  I can hear her in my head 'say more'. The thing is I'm not sure how to accurately describe this feeling.  Maybe it's like the difference between an appetizer...that you split with 8 people (hmm, or maybe 7 kids) and a really good satisfying meal? Maybe it's me being able to reveal more of myself? Maybe it's being able to calm my mind and share the quiet things?
How do I slow down my mind?  It's like it almost goes black and I can only recollect more superficial stuff, just filler.
This is one of the reasons I reached out to her last week and asked for more time.  The not-connecting leaves me floating, and anxious, alone in my head.


Maybe I should tell her about my reading therapy-related blogs/forums.  Although I have talked to her a bit about some of the therapy-related books I've read.

Got high. Again

This
https://lifeinabind.com/2015/04/18/being-excluded-from-your-therapists-life-youve-read-the-reasons-this-is-how-it-feels/

How hard it is/was deciding, or not deciding to send celia the link above.  Or the thought of sharing/or not, my journal with her. Some sort of anger associated with not sharing.




Was I excluded from my mothers life?

What I think about or write about when I'm alone.

Melinda and I.


So just the trying to figure out whether or not to send Celia that link was anxiety provoking.  But when I finally did my usual 'just rip the band-aid off' approach, then it was the waiting for her response that started me spinning.  Usually when I find the guts to send something I find relief, just getting it out there and off my mind.  And this time it did help as well, but Celia usually responds pretty quickly, within an hour or two, and that didn't happen.  And the longer the day went on without a response the further I slid into anxiety and crazy beliefs.  'I'm bothering her.  She doesn't have time to read such a long blog. Out of sight, out of mind (for both of us). What was I thinking, she's not gonna read this, maybe during our session but not during her own time.'
Maybe the wait was so bothersome because I left on Wednesday without feeling a deep connection, and now I wouldn't get the opportunity for another week.  And what is that about?  How pathetic to have such a need, and one that's hard to understand and even harder to explain.
We took Sam to a movie as a treat before she leaves for a week.  I don't even remember it.  I was so consumed with thought.  I kept checking my phone over and over, but nothing.  My logical mind trying to soothing my spiraling emotions.  'There are lots of reasons she has not responded, it doesn't mean anything other than she will when she can.' Unfortunately nothing really helped.  Crazy.
I finally turned the sound off on my phone.  The incessant waiting to hear the 'ding' of the text notification was driving me crazy.  I knew I would sleep with one eye open, just listening, if I didn't turn it off.  She did respond a little after midnight, I didn't notice the vibration of the phone.  But I did wake up every hour with worry.  'Maybe I crossed some line.  Maybe something happened to her.  Maybe she was perturbed that I send such a long blog to read.  Maybe after reading the blog she really did think I was crazy, and maybe even dangerous in a psychotic kind of way.'
We finally exchanged some texts this morning. I was hoping, although I didn't ask, she would offer a skype session for Monday.  She didn't.  Logically I know she's busy and it probably isn't a reflection of her want or willingness to skype with me, but it was still a let down. She asked me to write down what I was feeling and then send it to her.  Not sure yet.
Do I try to put some distance between us, between me and my thoughts, between Celia and myself?  Maybe as the weekend goes on the craving will lessen?

Why can't I send it to her?  I want to,  I want to keep the line of connection open, but I just can't seem to do it

We've sort of decided that I will start seeing Celia twice a week.  I truly like that idea although I'm certainly afraid of becoming too attached, too needy.

We talked a bit about me reading her my blog, and/or her reading my blog. I think I would like to let her.  I think I'm afraid that I would be ashamed by her knowing me more.  Maybe the writings aren't even that impressive, maybe she'll find them sophomoric, rambly, not of any value.

About 2 hours after I left I started to become anxious.  I think maybe it had to do with either because I only had a 50 minute session or I was only gonna have a 50 minute when I go on Wednesday. However in reality Celia said I could decide on Wednesday whether I wanted a 50 minute or my usual 90 minute session,  So why the anxiety?  I tried to tell myself that my anxiety was not grounded in reality.  But maybe it was/is the uncertainty?