I guess some may call it an 'ambush I-Love-You', but it wasn't my plan, it just came out of my mouth.

Let me back track a little bit.  Last week we had a hard session.  Funny, as I write this I realize that the week previous to last was a really good session.  We connected and I was able to get out some stuff that needed to be discussed. Of course it will take me months and months for me to get out everything that I need to say.  It's not that there's that much, it just takes me a while.

Anyway, after that very good session, we followed it up the next week with a horrible session. The reasons for shutting down were of course very silly, but that never really matters, does it? I left the session early, without really saying much.

The next day she sent me a text asking if I was feeling any different today, and that she hoped I was.  Well that text allowed me to start opening up to her a bit about what had been running through my brain during our session.  Of course I didn't go into much detail via a text, but it was enough for me to feel better, and cared about.  And I was also pretty confident that I would be able to talk the following week.

And that's exactly what happened, I was able to tell her what the 'silly' thing is that triggered me.  As usual the central problem is that I feel that she doesn't truly care about me, that we don't have a 'real' relationship. I am also questioning/analyzing what she says to me.  So one slip-up on her part can just start me spiraling.

One of the things I wrote in my text was  'I know I'm always analyzing/questioning what you say and how you say it (and of course I'm always trying to figure out what you're 'really' thinking) but I guess I can't question your actions (usually!)'

So now fast forward to this weeks session.  I brought some Christmas bark and other chocolates that I had made, along with a card.  I told her if the session didn't go well this week she wouldn't get the chocolate! But lucky for her (and me!!) it went well.  We connected, I was able to be open, honest, and vulnerable with her. It felt good.

However, one of the hardest part for me, especially if we are having a really good/connected session, is leaving.  I just never want to.  So usually I make smart-ass comments, just to make her smile, and for me to lighten my mood a bit.  So when I finally got up to leave, that's when it happened.....

I opened her office door and she called me back in.  Just snuck a quick bite of the bark, she said she loved it (of course she would say that!!!) and wanted to wish me a good Christmas and then gave me a hug.  I hugged her back, and then it just slipped out of my mouth 'L, I love you', and without missing a beat she said 'I love you too'.

I was so taken back by what had just happened, what I had said, what she had said....I'm pretty sure I stumbled over her waiting room furniture as I tried to leave.  And of course I said some incoherent wise-ass remark that she was 'playing' me!

A while later, I texted her 'Sorry about the ambush I love you, I didn't mean to say it, but I did mean what I said'.

She reponded (crushingly a day later!!) with 'I'm glad you meant it, I also mean it'.

Happy Holidays!

So I'm still in the throws of wanting L to love me, which she says she does, and I wonder if I'm just playing semantics with her, or is it something else, something that she's either holding back from saying outright?

We had another one of those 'text' conversations.  I know, I know.  It may not be the best way to communicate, but for me, right now, this is how I'm rolling!

Anyway, I told her that we've talked of our 'connection' in the past and what it means to me and how it serves me.  But today I texted and said that 'connection' didn't fully describe what I feel.  What I feel is love.  I love her, and I need for her to love me, or at least I think I do.

She texted back and said that she has shown me love, respect, and encouragement.

So, she said that she's shown me love, but didn't come out and say 'I love you'. Am I just looking for ways to not believe her?  Is there really a difference between saying 'I've shown you love' and 'I love you'? Or maybe is she dancing around the subject because she doesn't either know how to 'reject' me without me feeling 'rejected' or she's just unwilling to say it because it will/may hurt/change our relationship?

Why?  Why do I keep wanting to talk about the 'relationship'? Is it really normal to keep thinking, and wanting to talk about it so much?  I think I've read somewhere that obsessing about something is just a way of not focusing on what really is bothering you.  Is that true for me?  Why would I be different?

I finally told her that I love her.  Of course it didn't quite come out the way I had planned it to in my head, in fact it went horribly wrong and now I'm not sure what happens next.

I had been wanting to tell her for a very, very long. Actually, just reread some texts that we've exchanged over the past year or so it seems like I've tried a couple of times to talk about the 'love' stuff but we've never gotten too far with it.  Maybe it's mostly me, but there is some sense of this being uncomfortable for her to talk about too.  Maybe it's cause she can't just simply say 'I love you' back to me? And she can't say it back because she doesn't feel the same way?

Now before I go any further, please understand that I don't mean 'I love you' in a sexual or erotic way.  But for sure it feels powerful.  I don't want to have any other relationship than the one I have now with her, sort of.  The only difference is that I would want to know it's real.

Here's how it went down at my session on Wednesday morning:

Once again, I really wanted to talk about it with her.  I had practiced in my head, and even out loud in the car(alone of course) what I wanted to say.  But of course it never, ever comes out of my mouth.  Instead I hem and haw, and beat around the bush for awhile.  She took a couple shots at trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about, but that only frustrated me more.

I finally started off with a story.  This is pretty standard move for me, it helps me start the conversation.  So I start talking about a very dear, close friend who died last year.  And even though I had know this person for many years I had never told her how I felt about out her.  Unfortunately that's also my M.O., and it's something I'd really like to change.  So anyway, I went to visit my friend, who I knew was dying and as I was leaving I gave her a huge hug and whispered in her ear 'Please know that I love you'.  She of course quickly responded back with the same 'I love you too'.  She died 2 days later.  I am extremely lucky to have known this person, and her family, and I get great comfort knowing I shared my feelings with her.

So I told this story to L, and of course it was the end of our 90 minutes together, but I was able to mumble something to her along the lines of  'I don't want something to happen and me not tell you how I feel about you'.  She took that and started in talking about her giving me a hug occasionally and how I'm usually uncomfortable with it.  I told her I want to be a person who's comfortable hugging, but I also want to be comfortable with the words too. She said she understood that, and as I got up to leave she said 'well, you know I appreciate you'.

What??!!!

Did you just say 'I appreciate you'?!!!  What the fuck is that!

I was so angry, and so hurt.

I mumbled some sarcastic words and ran out of the room, and down the stairs.  I then stopped before I got outside and decided to go back.  I couldn't leave feeling like that, just so freakin' mad.  So I went back into her office, she was putting her coat on and was on the phone, I think she was listening to her voice mails.  So I said to her 'I can't believe you just said that to me......'. followed by more sarcastic remarks, to which she continued on the phone, but said to me '......I was joking...'. Once again I ran out of the building, into my car, put on some loud, angry (Alanis Morrisette) music and started driving home.  

Now I have nearly a two hour ride home, and I don't remember the first 90 minutes. My mind was racing just too fast, and apparently I was driving too fast too, cause I was nearly home.  When I got home I wrote this text:
  'Thanks for reinforcing my beliefs about a power imbalance.  Seriously?  I appreciate you? What the fuck was that'

She quickly responded with a 'I was kidding'

But I needed/wanted her to know that her words really hurt, so I texted:
 'I don't even now how to tell you the affect it had, but sort of like getting punched in the stomach.  It's like it confirmed what I had been thinking.  My feelings are too strong and I feel like an ass'.

She responded with 'Sorry you took it that way'

I angrily replied 'Sorry you took it that way?  Wow, you really do use therapist-speak. You should have just said 'sorry you thought I cared, that wasn't my intention' Sorry about the sarcasm via text but I don't know what else to do with it.

She texts back with 'If you want to make me a monster I can't stop you but I truly don't think it's fair'

After sitting with my crappy feelings all night I texted her the next morning:
 'Make you a monster? Hardly.  In fact I was trying to figure out how to tell you how I feel about you.  How I love you.  How I love you in a maternal, sisterly, supportive friend kind of way.  How you've impacted me.  But I struggle with thinking that this is wrong and it's all in my head. I shouldn't feel this way, it's wrong and you don't feel the same.  This is such a familiar place to be and I don't like it.  Yea I know it all goes back to childhood and not getting what I wanted/needed from my mother, but knowing doesn't change how I feel'

Three days go by and I don't get any sort of response from her.  Now I knew she was going out of town for one day, and I actually was a bit relieved to have texted/said what I did, so initially I didn't start to freak. But then the anxiety kicked in, and it just kept getting worse.  I was a bear at home, I couldn't stand myself.  So finally I sent her a text asking if we could meet earlier than our scheduled appointment.

Here's what I wrote:
  'Sorry to keep bugging you, any chance we could meet before Wednesday" Anxiety is running high was hoping to work/talk it thru with you.  Tried talking with M but couldn't get it out in a way that she, or I could understand.'

She responded a few hours later:
 'Don't have my schedule will go get it and get back to you later tonight'.

Unfortunately the times she had available wouldn't work for me, so I'll have to wait til Wednesday.

But this morning the anxiety kicked in again.  I'm freaking over her lack of response and I'm afraid I've pushed her too far.  So, I called and left a voice mail for her, something I haven't done in over 2 years.  I said, or atleast managed to spit out that I wanted to see if we were still ok, or had I crossed some sort of boundary.

So that's pretty much the narrative of how it went.  I haven't heard back from her, and it's been about 6 hours since I called.  The anxiety is starting to rise and I'm afraid that I've lost her.

I feel like I only write in my blog now when I'm struggling with L.  I guess it's true, and I supposed instead of feeling bad/stupid/embarrassed about that I should be proud that I write less here so I must struggle less. Oh yeah, that makes me feel much better.....not!

So what's the problem today?  Just the usual.  I push, I pull, I shutdown, I pull away, I refuse to believe that any of this, or what she says is real.  Can someone actually be this supportive?  Or is it all just therapy-psychobabble?

How would I know?

I've always understood transference, but never understood how it relates to me, and especially as it relates to my relationship with L.  And to take it a step further, how I play out my mother relationship with her.

I've never wanted to admit that I wanted my mother's love.  So I could never see how my obsessional thoughts regarding L really was transference.  But what I always knew/felt was that if I felt L (or C) cared for me then my confidence was boosted, which led me to feel that I could conquer (and love) the world and my life.

As I would look in awe at my own 7 year old, and felt nothing but unconditional love, it occurred to me that of course I would have wanted that same love from my mother, but she was, and is, incapable of that.  But I still crave it.

Once again, I NEVER wanted to admit that I would have wanted my mother's love.  I worked so hard as a kid fighting that, so I guess the push-pull that I feel towards L sort of makes sense.

L said that I can still get nurture from people in my life, including her.  I'm gonna really try and take that in.

This new belief of transference and how I really don't want to push people away feels like an 'a-ha' moment for me.  Let's see if it lasts.  Let's see if it can help me move past this stuck-state.

I still can't seem to accept what this relationship is. I cringe when I hear her say things like 'client', 'patient', 'session'.  But that's what I am. The funny thing is that she gives me more than I ever thought was possible with a therapist.  I feel like I'm just not capable.
I hate how I react to her.  But at the same time I crave her support (although less than I used to). I also know that I feel at my best when I've opened up to her and felt connected.
I don't like that she doesn't 'take' or 'need' anything from me, but I on the other hand do.With my mother I always believed she was doing things only for herself, including her 'care' for me.
I can't figure out how to accept the boundaries even though she hasn't imposed any.  Maybe that's why it's confusing to me?
How do I accept that she's just my therapist? And why do I keep getting tripped up
Is she just waiting for me to ask for what I want/need?
Sometimes I think she really cares and that I matter, and that feels so good and life feels good.  But then something happens to remind me that I'm no more than a patient/client to her and I'm low on her totem pole of who she cares about.
After all this time, hard work, and life changes I feel like I'm still at the same place that I've always been.  This issue that makes no sense to me and controls my entire being.  Sounds a little over-dramatic, but it really does invade my entire life.

I think I need to learn to just accept, and specifically not judge, my thoughts and feelings.  Most of the time I really hate how I react, especially to L.  For instance, I sent her a text this morning, it was brief and not really in need of a reply.  I wrote "Still in a fog". It's now late in the afternoon and she hasn't replied and I feel myself getting angry with her, returning to the 'Fuck you's'.

Now logically I know that just because she hasn't responded to me doesn't mean she doesn't care, but my emotional reaction (or over reaction) gets a hold of me and I can't let it go.  And then I just start to spiral out of control and down the nasty hole of mistrust and anger.  Once again, in my head I know it isn't right, but it doesn't matter.

The next thing is that I try to flee from these feelings, and I can't.  I sometimes feel like I act like a person who's being attacked by a swarm of bees and I try and get away as fast as I can.  But the more I swat at them the angrier they respond.

So, for today, for right now I'm trying not to flee, I'm trying not to judge......

And the other thing I want to work on, need to work on, is accepting who she is, and isn't in my life.....

So I went today and I talked, sort of.  It look me awhile, lots of 'warm up' talking first.  Debated about just leaving. I was getting frustrated by everything she was trying.  Sarcasm at it's best.

Why do I keep fighting this? And at the same time I would love a chance to see her again this week.

I hate that there are boundaries around this/our relationship. Although I don't really need/want more from her.  Don't get me wrong I guess I wish we were friends, but only cause I like her and it just seems like what one would naturally do with someone they 'click' with, but that's not the part that eats at me.

I guess what gets to me is questioning that she really cares, cause if she cared she'd want to be my friend too?  Is that part of it?

She told me today that I can ask her anything I want, and she'll tell me.  But she won't just offer up anything, especially if she thinks I can't handle it or it's not good for me. I suppose if I were a rational person I would see that as caring. I do wonder what it's like to be rational, normal.......

I'm not sure what this stage of our therapeutic relationship is called. I'm still looking to, or feel more comfortable being angry with her. There is some delight in being able to be legitimately angry at her. Like a weird pleasure when she has screwed up. 

 Unfortunately I know she's also the 'perfect' therapist. Not because she doesn't make mistakes, no it's even worse (or better) than that.....when she makes them she owns up to them, and willingly validates what I usually call my  'crazy' reactions. 

She also lets me, in fact encourages me to text as much as I want and at any time of the night or day. Not that she always promptly replies, but I'm ok with that, I usually don't expect her to. She tells me she doesn't want me to sit with uncomfortable feelings if I don't have to.

She also almost always makes time for me. Because its now a 2 hour ride for me, each way, she often will meet me halfway at a coffee shop.

She lets me cancel without charging.

She sees me for at least 90 minutes, and has always supported my request for a second session during the week.

She discloses much about herself, appropriately and encourages me to ask anything I want.


But I'm finding myself continually questioning the realness or the authenticity of the relationship. I'm angry that I have to pay her to talk to me, or to care. Even though I know that's not true, sort of. But I still have a lot of 'fuck you' feelings towards her. Logically I suppose those feelings are really meant for my mother

I can't seem to reconcile, one way or another what this relationship is and is it good for me.  I've been going round and round with this for so long but I still can't find a place for it. I hate her, I love her. Push, pull.

Why can't I just willingly accept all she has offered, and continues to offer?
Why can't I just walk away?
Well will I find the gray?........before I turn gray??