So I'm still in the throws of wanting L to love me, which she says she does, and I wonder if I'm just playing semantics with her, or is it something else, something that she's either holding back from saying outright?
We had another one of those 'text' conversations. I know, I know. It may not be the best way to communicate, but for me, right now, this is how I'm rolling!
Anyway, I told her that we've talked of our 'connection' in the past and what it means to me and how it serves me. But today I texted and said that 'connection' didn't fully describe what I feel. What I feel is love. I love her, and I need for her to love me, or at least I think I do.
She texted back and said that she has shown me love, respect, and encouragement.
So, she said that she's shown me love, but didn't come out and say 'I love you'. Am I just looking for ways to not believe her? Is there really a difference between saying 'I've shown you love' and 'I love you'? Or maybe is she dancing around the subject because she doesn't either know how to 'reject' me without me feeling 'rejected' or she's just unwilling to say it because it will/may hurt/change our relationship?
Can I be honest? Well, I'm going to be either which way, so ...
ReplyDeleteWith my entire heart, I believe she loves you. And I believe that she's not saying the words back, in the way you want to hear them because she doesn't know what that will mean - for you or for her. It's probably difficult to read through text message.
I remember reading a post where you mentioned that she brought coffee for both of you (half coffee/half hot chocolate - how's that for memory!!). I remember reading that and knowing that she cared back. People, even therapists, don't show kindness if they don't feel it.
It sounds to me, that she has always been genuinely honest with you, that she means well, and that she cares about you. I know that you need her to love you - I get that - and I need that too. And I feel that she does. I feel that her speaking that she's "shown you love" is another way for her to say it, for a therapist to say it.
I hope you also know that I'm incredibly proud of you - for writing the words, for speaking your truth. You are braver than you know!
Thanks Manda, I wish I could explain to you how your words mean to me. I really feel that you 'get' what I'm saying...even if I don't!
ReplyDeleteI know you're right, she does care, I could easily rattle off a hundred things that she's said or done to show it to me. But why do I have these overwhelming need/want for her to say those words 'I love you'?
The funny thing is that I'm not even sure if her saying it would do it for me, but right now it feels like it would help. I also know that I would probably need to hear it a million times so I could keep on believing it.
How the hell does one ask for that?
And why, if it's the case, does she have to be all 'therapisty' and say she's 'shown me love' instead of outright saying 'I love you'? Why should I be open and honest but she has to soften it?
And I'm not sure I'm braver than I know, but I do know that I'm crazier than you know!!!
Grr ... I created a message and went to post it and off it went into nowhere land! So here we go again ...
ReplyDeleteI understand your words because I feel as though I've lived them or am currently living them. What you say to L is what I have said or want to say to mine.
I think hearing or seeing the actual words 'I love you' would provide actual proof - there would be no way to deny those words, if they came out that way. Having her run around the bush with it, I think, makes things confusing. If I were standing in your shoes, I'd be analyzing every bit and piece she offered, and I'd likely drive myself mad wondering what was or was not real (in terms of feelings being reciprocal).
I think that another conversation needs to be had - in some form. How would you feel about telling her what you've said, that you have a need for her to actually say the words? Explain to her that you know she cares about you, but that you were bothered by how she responded, saying that she's shown you love. I think all you can be is honest - and I know what I'm writing seems easy on paper, but is difficult to actually do.
I think she has to be therapisty because she's a therapist ;)
If she brought her feelings into the room, it would do you no good. It's a time and place for you and all of what you feel, think, and experience. Now saying that, I understand your want and need also on this side. I understand it in ways that I can't quite put into words at the moment, but wish it weren't always necessary for them to be so therapisty.
P.S. Trust me, you are braver than you know! Every single time you post here, you have done something that you did not think you could do a post before. If that is not brave or courageous, I don't know what is.
And I wanted to thank you for your comment on my blog. You must believe me when I say that you reading and taking the time to comment is more than enough. It is incredibly encouraging to be heard, and your comments always show caring. I'm really grateful :)
Was just thinking of you and wanted to wish you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you're all able to take in delicious food, time with loved ones, and create wonderful holiday memories!
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful for you - for walking with me. I'll always be grateful :)
Manda,'thank you so much. You've really made my day! I hope you have a wonderful day too!
DeleteThanks!! My Thanksgiving was full of food and time spent with others!
ReplyDeleteCan you believe that Christmas it just a handful of days away?!