I've always understood transference, but never understood how it relates to me, and especially as it relates to my relationship with L. And to take it a step further, how I play out my mother relationship with her.
I've never wanted to admit that I wanted my mother's love. So I could never see how my obsessional thoughts regarding L really was transference. But what I always knew/felt was that if I felt L (or C) cared for me then my confidence was boosted, which led me to feel that I could conquer (and love) the world and my life.
As I would look in awe at my own 7 year old, and felt nothing but unconditional love, it occurred to me that of course I would have wanted that same love from my mother, but she was, and is, incapable of that. But I still crave it.
Once again, I NEVER wanted to admit that I would have wanted my mother's love. I worked so hard as a kid fighting that, so I guess the push-pull that I feel towards L sort of makes sense.
L said that I can still get nurture from people in my life, including her. I'm gonna really try and take that in.
This new belief of transference and how I really don't want to push people away feels like an 'a-ha' moment for me. Let's see if it lasts. Let's see if it can help me move past this stuck-state.