Thursday, June 13, 2013

I've always understood transference, but never understood how it relates to me, and especially as it relates to my relationship with L.  And to take it a step further, how I play out my mother relationship with her.

I've never wanted to admit that I wanted my mother's love.  So I could never see how my obsessional thoughts regarding L really was transference.  But what I always knew/felt was that if I felt L (or C) cared for me then my confidence was boosted, which led me to feel that I could conquer (and love) the world and my life.

As I would look in awe at my own 7 year old, and felt nothing but unconditional love, it occurred to me that of course I would have wanted that same love from my mother, but she was, and is, incapable of that.  But I still crave it.

Once again, I NEVER wanted to admit that I would have wanted my mother's love.  I worked so hard as a kid fighting that, so I guess the push-pull that I feel towards L sort of makes sense.

L said that I can still get nurture from people in my life, including her.  I'm gonna really try and take that in.

This new belief of transference and how I really don't want to push people away feels like an 'a-ha' moment for me.  Let's see if it lasts.  Let's see if it can help me move past this stuck-state.


  1. You are getting there, my friend. And you are doing so so well. It's all clicking and coinciding - and I'm glad. Keep on keeping on!

  2. Sounds big to me. It's amazing how those rare transformative moments that last are actually brought about by all those thousands of little teeny tiny steps that we take in order to get there...

    congrats on taking those steps!