I finally told her that I love her. Of course it didn't quite come out the way I had planned it to in my head, in fact it went horribly wrong and now I'm not sure what happens next.
I had been wanting to tell her for a very, very long. Actually, just reread some texts that we've exchanged over the past year or so it seems like I've tried a couple of times to talk about the 'love' stuff but we've never gotten too far with it. Maybe it's mostly me, but there is some sense of this being uncomfortable for her to talk about too. Maybe it's cause she can't just simply say 'I love you' back to me? And she can't say it back because she doesn't feel the same way?
Now before I go any further, please understand that I don't mean 'I love you' in a sexual or erotic way. But for sure it feels powerful. I don't want to have any other relationship than the one I have now with her, sort of. The only difference is that I would want to know it's real.
Here's how it went down at my session on Wednesday morning:
Once again, I really wanted to talk about it with her. I had practiced in my head, and even out loud in the car(alone of course) what I wanted to say. But of course it never, ever comes out of my mouth. Instead I hem and haw, and beat around the bush for awhile. She took a couple shots at trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about, but that only frustrated me more.
I finally started off with a story. This is pretty standard move for me, it helps me start the conversation. So I start talking about a very dear, close friend who died last year. And even though I had know this person for many years I had never told her how I felt about out her. Unfortunately that's also my M.O., and it's something I'd really like to change. So anyway, I went to visit my friend, who I knew was dying and as I was leaving I gave her a huge hug and whispered in her ear 'Please know that I love you'. She of course quickly responded back with the same 'I love you too'. She died 2 days later. I am extremely lucky to have known this person, and her family, and I get great comfort knowing I shared my feelings with her.
So I told this story to L, and of course it was the end of our 90 minutes together, but I was able to mumble something to her along the lines of 'I don't want something to happen and me not tell you how I feel about you'. She took that and started in talking about her giving me a hug occasionally and how I'm usually uncomfortable with it. I told her I want to be a person who's comfortable hugging, but I also want to be comfortable with the words too. She said she understood that, and as I got up to leave she said 'well, you know I appreciate you'.
Did you just say 'I appreciate you'?!!! What the fuck is that!
I was so angry, and so hurt.
I mumbled some sarcastic words and ran out of the room, and down the stairs. I then stopped before I got outside and decided to go back. I couldn't leave feeling like that, just so freakin' mad. So I went back into her office, she was putting her coat on and was on the phone, I think she was listening to her voice mails. So I said to her 'I can't believe you just said that to me......'. followed by more sarcastic remarks, to which she continued on the phone, but said to me '......I was joking...'. Once again I ran out of the building, into my car, put on some loud, angry (Alanis Morrisette) music and started driving home.
Now I have nearly a two hour ride home, and I don't remember the first 90 minutes. My mind was racing just too fast, and apparently I was driving too fast too, cause I was nearly home. When I got home I wrote this text:
'Thanks for reinforcing my beliefs about a power imbalance. Seriously? I appreciate you? What the fuck was that'
She quickly responded with a 'I was kidding'
But I needed/wanted her to know that her words really hurt, so I texted:
'I don't even now how to tell you the affect it had, but sort of like getting punched in the stomach. It's like it confirmed what I had been thinking. My feelings are too strong and I feel like an ass'.
She responded with 'Sorry you took it that way'
I angrily replied 'Sorry you took it that way? Wow, you really do use therapist-speak. You should have just said 'sorry you thought I cared, that wasn't my intention' Sorry about the sarcasm via text but I don't know what else to do with it.
She texts back with 'If you want to make me a monster I can't stop you but I truly don't think it's fair'
After sitting with my crappy feelings all night I texted her the next morning:
'Make you a monster? Hardly. In fact I was trying to figure out how to tell you how I feel about you. How I love you. How I love you in a maternal, sisterly, supportive friend kind of way. How you've impacted me. But I struggle with thinking that this is wrong and it's all in my head. I shouldn't feel this way, it's wrong and you don't feel the same. This is such a familiar place to be and I don't like it. Yea I know it all goes back to childhood and not getting what I wanted/needed from my mother, but knowing doesn't change how I feel'
Three days go by and I don't get any sort of response from her. Now I knew she was going out of town for one day, and I actually was a bit relieved to have texted/said what I did, so initially I didn't start to freak. But then the anxiety kicked in, and it just kept getting worse. I was a bear at home, I couldn't stand myself. So finally I sent her a text asking if we could meet earlier than our scheduled appointment.
Here's what I wrote:
'Sorry to keep bugging you, any chance we could meet before Wednesday" Anxiety is running high was hoping to work/talk it thru with you. Tried talking with M but couldn't get it out in a way that she, or I could understand.'
She responded a few hours later:
'Don't have my schedule will go get it and get back to you later tonight'.
Unfortunately the times she had available wouldn't work for me, so I'll have to wait til Wednesday.
But this morning the anxiety kicked in again. I'm freaking over her lack of response and I'm afraid I've pushed her too far. So, I called and left a voice mail for her, something I haven't done in over 2 years. I said, or atleast managed to spit out that I wanted to see if we were still ok, or had I crossed some sort of boundary.
So that's pretty much the narrative of how it went. I haven't heard back from her, and it's been about 6 hours since I called. The anxiety is starting to rise and I'm afraid that I've lost her.