Friday, April 19, 2013

I still can't seem to accept what this relationship is. I cringe when I hear her say things like 'client', 'patient', 'session'.  But that's what I am. The funny thing is that she gives me more than I ever thought was possible with a therapist.  I feel like I'm just not capable.
I hate how I react to her.  But at the same time I crave her support (although less than I used to). I also know that I feel at my best when I've opened up to her and felt connected.
I don't like that she doesn't 'take' or 'need' anything from me, but I on the other hand do.With my mother I always believed she was doing things only for herself, including her 'care' for me.
I can't figure out how to accept the boundaries even though she hasn't imposed any.  Maybe that's why it's confusing to me?
How do I accept that she's just my therapist? And why do I keep getting tripped up
Is she just waiting for me to ask for what I want/need?
Sometimes I think she really cares and that I matter, and that feels so good and life feels good.  But then something happens to remind me that I'm no more than a patient/client to her and I'm low on her totem pole of who she cares about.
After all this time, hard work, and life changes I feel like I'm still at the same place that I've always been.  This issue that makes no sense to me and controls my entire being.  Sounds a little over-dramatic, but it really does invade my entire life.


  1. There is no doubt in my mind that you will come to a point one day that it all just fizzles - where you won't question it any further. Just hold on tight for that day - it will come, I promise!

    Shall we bet an ice cream sundae??


  2. Thanks Amanda, I hope you're right! But what do I do in the mean time. I keep playing the push-pull game and it's wearing me down, alot.

    And yes, I'll take that bet! Did you want a 2 or 3 scoop??!! Things at the shop are going very well. We made it through the winter, which is HUGE. I was almost able to pay all the bills, which was more than I expected. And the spring has been really busy, in fact I think our April numbers may exceed our July numbers from last year!

    Thanks for your concern, it's always appreciated. You seem to be at a good place in both life and therapy, so I have a little bit of envy! But I'm so happy for you

  3. Let's make it a 3 scoop - with some sort of cookies and cream type ice cream! My favorite!

    I'm so glad that things are going well - I imagine that the winter would be difficult (as they shut down most shops over here) and you made it through! I'm so glad you took this leap of faith and that it's turning out so well!

    In the mean time, you just be as you are - "playing that game". There is nothing you can do until you are ready for that moment of comfortable release, where you just relax into the role. For me, there was just one day that everything fell away, and it was immediately comfortable. Literally days before that, I was questioning her position, what she was doing, claiming she was in it for the money, etc. It will just all snap into place one day. You will go through this until you're ready to not be in it any longer - you can't control the timing.

    Many hugs to you!