M and I had couples counseling with L at noon, and I'm not even sure if I was present. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to 'be' with L, so I guess that's where I was. But I think I zoned-out most of the time, or sort of removed myself. I couldn't even look at L, it was like I was trying to punish her, yet at the same time I wanted to get her attention.
One of the things that was sort of interesting was that M had me pegged. She knew I was not quite there, and even when I denied it she called me on it, she said I was just faking it, and I was. Then L picked up on M always trying to pry info out of me, and me resisting. So I know that I continue to repeat my bad habits with both M and L. I guess I'm a classic case, very text book like.
I kept looking at my watch, something I never do. But I just needed to survive the session.
The weird part is that M and I are actually making really good progress, despite the weird crap that goes on in my head. It's amazing how much this entire life altering process is affecting us, our relationship, and how much old stuff we both bring with us. Just the 'simple' process of selling the house has brought up all kinds of stuff.
You see I'm a thrower-outer and M is a keeper. We have a basement, actually a whole household full of stuff that we don't use, that we haven't touched in the 7 years we've lived in our house. So initially M and I would struggle on the approach to take to de-clutter the house, and many times our 'discussions' would lead to fights and hurt feelings. Talking with L about this has helped tremendously. There's a lot of emotional ties to 'stuff' and it brings up other major life changes and how they turned out. It's been extremely helpful to get past the initial issue to discover and work through what really is going on.
So that's been my day today. I see L in the morning and I'm still not sure how I'll be. When do I start acting like a normal person?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Left feeling 'Fu$% you'. Not really out of anger, more out of resolute. Makes no sense, yet maybe it does make sense?
She wanted me to agree to a game plan, and externally I nodded in agreement, but inside I was making a promise to myself 'There's no way in hell you are going to do that'.
She wants me to try and put words to what is going on. She wants me to text, or better yet (those were her words) call her when it's happening so we can try and talk it through, try and figure out what's going on. She said there weren't any rules around this either, I could call whenever, weekends, nights, anytime I wanted. She reiterated the 'game plan' again at the end, and I nodded, but thinking otherwise.
I want to hate her, and I want her to pull me close, all at the same time. It's like I'm making up a reason to be angry with her. She continues to fight for me, even though I push her, I shut down, I question everything, including her intentions. Yet instead of walking away, she tells me to reach out to her more.
And of course, as much as I hate to admit it, I see me as a 15 year old girl, and me reacting to my mother.
It's fucked up, and it's getting better all at the same time.
She wanted me to agree to a game plan, and externally I nodded in agreement, but inside I was making a promise to myself 'There's no way in hell you are going to do that'.
She wants me to try and put words to what is going on. She wants me to text, or better yet (those were her words) call her when it's happening so we can try and talk it through, try and figure out what's going on. She said there weren't any rules around this either, I could call whenever, weekends, nights, anytime I wanted. She reiterated the 'game plan' again at the end, and I nodded, but thinking otherwise.
I want to hate her, and I want her to pull me close, all at the same time. It's like I'm making up a reason to be angry with her. She continues to fight for me, even though I push her, I shut down, I question everything, including her intentions. Yet instead of walking away, she tells me to reach out to her more.
And of course, as much as I hate to admit it, I see me as a 15 year old girl, and me reacting to my mother.
It's fucked up, and it's getting better all at the same time.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I saw L yesterday for couples counseling. It actually went pretty well.
Actually, it went really well. Not only did M and I get some more stuff out on the table, and we both felt good, but my weird reaction to the whole L-M-me triangle was pretty much not there. I was fairly present for the entire time.
In fact at one point M asked me what I was thinking and feeling in regards to what we were talking about. She said it looked like I might shutting down, but I wasn't. And I was able to thoughtfully respond to what we were talking about and tell her the process that was going on in my head. She said she was very impressed that I stayed with it.
And I also didn't recoil and get lost in the dynamics that were going on in the room. It's sort of like being in a room with both your wife and your mistress, but I was ok with it. Or at least more ok than I've ever been.
So if it went so well, why is that not enough for me?
Do I not want to feel better? Am I hanging on to something? Or is there really other stuff to talk about, to uncover?
I sent her another rambly text this morning and her response made me angry.
Me: I guess I'm due, but I can't seem to rationalize the ache today. Doesn't make sense. Yesterday was good, and you weren't even mean to me. Ok so here's to hoping this rant makes me feel better (that sounded a little selfish)
L: Not selfish and I hope texting makes you feel better.
So why did her response make me angry you ask, I don't know. For some reason I was hearing 'Sure, go ahead and text, no skin off my nose'. Logically I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying that. I'm sure she just wanted to reassure me that it's ok to text, but for some reason I take it a different way.
My thoughts are swirling about and I was hoping that writing it out here would make it less fragmented in my head, but I'm not sure I was successful.
Actually, it went really well. Not only did M and I get some more stuff out on the table, and we both felt good, but my weird reaction to the whole L-M-me triangle was pretty much not there. I was fairly present for the entire time.
In fact at one point M asked me what I was thinking and feeling in regards to what we were talking about. She said it looked like I might shutting down, but I wasn't. And I was able to thoughtfully respond to what we were talking about and tell her the process that was going on in my head. She said she was very impressed that I stayed with it.
And I also didn't recoil and get lost in the dynamics that were going on in the room. It's sort of like being in a room with both your wife and your mistress, but I was ok with it. Or at least more ok than I've ever been.
So if it went so well, why is that not enough for me?
Do I not want to feel better? Am I hanging on to something? Or is there really other stuff to talk about, to uncover?
I sent her another rambly text this morning and her response made me angry.
Me: I guess I'm due, but I can't seem to rationalize the ache today. Doesn't make sense. Yesterday was good, and you weren't even mean to me. Ok so here's to hoping this rant makes me feel better (that sounded a little selfish)
L: Not selfish and I hope texting makes you feel better.
So why did her response make me angry you ask, I don't know. For some reason I was hearing 'Sure, go ahead and text, no skin off my nose'. Logically I'm pretty sure she wasn't saying that. I'm sure she just wanted to reassure me that it's ok to text, but for some reason I take it a different way.
My thoughts are swirling about and I was hoping that writing it out here would make it less fragmented in my head, but I'm not sure I was successful.
Monday, January 23, 2012
The roller coaster ride still continues. Things are still moving forward with the ice cream shop. I attended another ice cream convention this weekend (who knew these types of conferences even existed??!!!) and it was very helpful and I had a meeting with an ice cream distributor that I really want to work with. I even met the owner of the company. The week after next I'll meet him up at the shop so we can go through the stores layout and he'll help us get ready to open. I also met some good supplier connections, and met more local shop owners.
It's an interesting industry, this ice cream-thing. Most of the shops are family owned/run, which means that the interactions are less structured and more friendly. The other nice thing is that as long as you're not with 10 - 15 miles of each other, then you are not considered competition so people are more than happy to share with you what they've learned. In fact in two weeks M and I are going to spend the day at a local shop so he can go through the in-and-outs of operating an ice cream shop.
I also belong to a few Yahoo groups, and a Facebook group of shop owners, and they are a wealth of knowledge. Once again more than willing to share everything, from hot fudge recipes, to how to clean a soft serve machine, to listing where to buy supplies.
So it continues to be exciting and quite a learning experience, but the money-thing can be overwhelming at times. It's scary to think how much we (I??) are willing to put on the line. We are a middle-aged couple with a young child, what are we thinking? What am I thinking???
I'm gonna quit a pretty well paying position, with benefits, health coverage, and stock options, to scoop ice cream? Seriously??
And then are times where I'm so excited by the challenge. I'm back to reading books about customer service (I just started readying Positively Outrageous Service). I even stole an Inc. Magazine from the doctor's office because it has great articles for entrepreneurs. I loved being at the conference over the weekend. I enjoyed talking to other owners and then working with the suppliers. The opportunity to be my own boss and to run our own place is intoxicating. And then hopefully being in a position to maybe help others or make an impact on the community is an awesome thought.
I have so many thoughts on how to grow this business, and have fun and make a difference all at the same time. I know it may seem crazy, but I also know it's something I have to do....hopefully even meant to do.
And then there's therapy....
This is more of a ramble, and not quite coherent, but I just need to throw it out there for now.
Why do I not want L to think I'm ok? I get something from it, but what? Can we not have a deep connection if I'm happy? Is being or acting depressed a way to get attention? Or maybe I'm just used to feeling that way, it's my comfort zone.
It's an interesting industry, this ice cream-thing. Most of the shops are family owned/run, which means that the interactions are less structured and more friendly. The other nice thing is that as long as you're not with 10 - 15 miles of each other, then you are not considered competition so people are more than happy to share with you what they've learned. In fact in two weeks M and I are going to spend the day at a local shop so he can go through the in-and-outs of operating an ice cream shop.
I also belong to a few Yahoo groups, and a Facebook group of shop owners, and they are a wealth of knowledge. Once again more than willing to share everything, from hot fudge recipes, to how to clean a soft serve machine, to listing where to buy supplies.
So it continues to be exciting and quite a learning experience, but the money-thing can be overwhelming at times. It's scary to think how much we (I??) are willing to put on the line. We are a middle-aged couple with a young child, what are we thinking? What am I thinking???
I'm gonna quit a pretty well paying position, with benefits, health coverage, and stock options, to scoop ice cream? Seriously??
And then are times where I'm so excited by the challenge. I'm back to reading books about customer service (I just started readying Positively Outrageous Service). I even stole an Inc. Magazine from the doctor's office because it has great articles for entrepreneurs. I loved being at the conference over the weekend. I enjoyed talking to other owners and then working with the suppliers. The opportunity to be my own boss and to run our own place is intoxicating. And then hopefully being in a position to maybe help others or make an impact on the community is an awesome thought.
I have so many thoughts on how to grow this business, and have fun and make a difference all at the same time. I know it may seem crazy, but I also know it's something I have to do....hopefully even meant to do.
And then there's therapy....
This is more of a ramble, and not quite coherent, but I just need to throw it out there for now.
Why do I not want L to think I'm ok? I get something from it, but what? Can we not have a deep connection if I'm happy? Is being or acting depressed a way to get attention? Or maybe I'm just used to feeling that way, it's my comfort zone.
Friday, January 20, 2012
I miss seeing L today. Normally I see her on Friday mornings, but she had a conflict so we met yesterday instead. It was a really good session, very positive and I felt very connected to her. But this morning I was very aware that I was not going to see her today. I had couple moments of 'Normally I'm siting in L's office at this time on Fridays....' Nothing overwhelming, but I was a bit surprised.
Unfortunately it's now early afternoon and I'm missing her, like a longing. Due to another scheduling conflict next week I'll see her Monday morning. So it's not like I have to wait another week to connect with her, it's only a couple days. But somehow I don't find any relief in knowing that.
I know I could text her, and she'd be great about it, but I still struggle with why? Technically I'm in a pretty good place, so why the longing, why the ache?
Unfortunately it's now early afternoon and I'm missing her, like a longing. Due to another scheduling conflict next week I'll see her Monday morning. So it's not like I have to wait another week to connect with her, it's only a couple days. But somehow I don't find any relief in knowing that.
I know I could text her, and she'd be great about it, but I still struggle with why? Technically I'm in a pretty good place, so why the longing, why the ache?
So not only am I now having trouble sleeping, I also want to throw up quite often!! Luckily I also feel giddy and excited at times, so hopefully we'll survive this next phase in our journey.
After the blow last week regarding the devaluing of our house we sort of walked around in a stupor all day. But luckily we had planned to spend the weekend up in the town where the shop is so that really helped us. We had already booked a hotel, made appointments with a realtor to look at 5 homes, and we were also going to meet up with the broker to look at the shop again.
Seeing the town again, and spending alot more time there really cemented in our minds how much we like the place. And then seeing the shop again really brought back the excitement we had been feeling, and helped dissipate the feelings we were having about losing so much equity in our house.
Not that the weekend wasn't fraught with really hard discussions, especially around money, which then led to a very loud disagreement between M and I. This decision will change our entire lives, and that of our daughter. There's a lot to consider and it's extremely risky. Although we are certainly not rich, and have to live within a budget like everyone else, we can still afford dinners out, 2 week vacations, and occasionally frivolous spending. Moving and buying this ice cream shop changes everything.
We had been debating about whether to buy a house in the town or rent for a year. The thinking with renting is that it will give us an opportunity to get used to the new community and have a better feel for where we want to live. Also, because we don't know exactly what kind of income we'll have with the business, we don't exactly what we can, and can't afford. But I talked to a mortgage consultant today who informed me that because we will be self-employed we will need to show the bank atleast 2 years of tax returns. So it looks like, at least for now, the decision to rent has been made.
On Tuesday afternoon I finally made the call to the broker and rambled out an offer. We were offering much less than the asking price and I wanted to justify our reasoning for the offer. I am VERY uncomfortable when it comes to dealing with money, and I hate the back-and-forth stuff. I'm a type of person that would much prefer to go in and pay list price for something instead of dickering around. But I knew I couldn't do that in this case.
About 2 hours later the broker calls back with a counter offer, damn I hate this. I call M to talk about it, then I call our small business consultant, who is just awesome. She gives me some advice about how to counter and gets my head on straight. She puts me in 'business mode' not 'personal mode'. I call the broker back and counter, but this time I counter with an offer that I'm hopeful leads her to counter back with an offer that we can live with. And it worked! It was like a win-win. I think it gave the seller the 'last word' on the offer, but her last offer was what we were willing to pay in the first place! So glad that piece is done!
There's still a lot more to the story, but I'm afraid I've gone on long enough. We still have tons of work to do. Even though we've signed the P&S (purchase and sale agreement), there are contingencies, and we have a 30 day out if we can't: renegotiate the lease with the building, secure the finances to actually buy the place, form an LLC, investigate and apply for permits/licenses...etc.
Then, assuming all that goes well, our official purchase date is March 30th, and getting there is even more work. We have de-clutter, clean, paint our current home and put it up for sale at the end of February. We have to look for an apartment to rent in the new town, we have to finalize our living arrangement in our current city so our daughter can finish kindergarten here, we have start making and signing deals/contracts with vendors...etc.
During all of this I have had so much support from L, she has been amazing and a great cheerleader. I saw her yesterday and she brought us both a celebratory hot chocolate/coffee, and it was delicious. And it was good timing because I was starting to feel overwhelmed again, and started down the path of 'what the hell are we thinking, quiting our jobs, moving, and opening up an ice cream shop...' L kept me laughing and telling me how important it is that we enjoy this journey and the process of getting there. I mean, it's an ice cream/candy shop, what couldn't be funner!!! It really helped remind me of why we're doing this.
So much to do, so little time........I think I need to go throw up now.
After the blow last week regarding the devaluing of our house we sort of walked around in a stupor all day. But luckily we had planned to spend the weekend up in the town where the shop is so that really helped us. We had already booked a hotel, made appointments with a realtor to look at 5 homes, and we were also going to meet up with the broker to look at the shop again.
Seeing the town again, and spending alot more time there really cemented in our minds how much we like the place. And then seeing the shop again really brought back the excitement we had been feeling, and helped dissipate the feelings we were having about losing so much equity in our house.
Not that the weekend wasn't fraught with really hard discussions, especially around money, which then led to a very loud disagreement between M and I. This decision will change our entire lives, and that of our daughter. There's a lot to consider and it's extremely risky. Although we are certainly not rich, and have to live within a budget like everyone else, we can still afford dinners out, 2 week vacations, and occasionally frivolous spending. Moving and buying this ice cream shop changes everything.
We had been debating about whether to buy a house in the town or rent for a year. The thinking with renting is that it will give us an opportunity to get used to the new community and have a better feel for where we want to live. Also, because we don't know exactly what kind of income we'll have with the business, we don't exactly what we can, and can't afford. But I talked to a mortgage consultant today who informed me that because we will be self-employed we will need to show the bank atleast 2 years of tax returns. So it looks like, at least for now, the decision to rent has been made.
On Tuesday afternoon I finally made the call to the broker and rambled out an offer. We were offering much less than the asking price and I wanted to justify our reasoning for the offer. I am VERY uncomfortable when it comes to dealing with money, and I hate the back-and-forth stuff. I'm a type of person that would much prefer to go in and pay list price for something instead of dickering around. But I knew I couldn't do that in this case.
About 2 hours later the broker calls back with a counter offer, damn I hate this. I call M to talk about it, then I call our small business consultant, who is just awesome. She gives me some advice about how to counter and gets my head on straight. She puts me in 'business mode' not 'personal mode'. I call the broker back and counter, but this time I counter with an offer that I'm hopeful leads her to counter back with an offer that we can live with. And it worked! It was like a win-win. I think it gave the seller the 'last word' on the offer, but her last offer was what we were willing to pay in the first place! So glad that piece is done!
There's still a lot more to the story, but I'm afraid I've gone on long enough. We still have tons of work to do. Even though we've signed the P&S (purchase and sale agreement), there are contingencies, and we have a 30 day out if we can't: renegotiate the lease with the building, secure the finances to actually buy the place, form an LLC, investigate and apply for permits/licenses...etc.
Then, assuming all that goes well, our official purchase date is March 30th, and getting there is even more work. We have de-clutter, clean, paint our current home and put it up for sale at the end of February. We have to look for an apartment to rent in the new town, we have to finalize our living arrangement in our current city so our daughter can finish kindergarten here, we have start making and signing deals/contracts with vendors...etc.
During all of this I have had so much support from L, she has been amazing and a great cheerleader. I saw her yesterday and she brought us both a celebratory hot chocolate/coffee, and it was delicious. And it was good timing because I was starting to feel overwhelmed again, and started down the path of 'what the hell are we thinking, quiting our jobs, moving, and opening up an ice cream shop...' L kept me laughing and telling me how important it is that we enjoy this journey and the process of getting there. I mean, it's an ice cream/candy shop, what couldn't be funner!!! It really helped remind me of why we're doing this.
So much to do, so little time........I think I need to go throw up now.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
It should be a law that after a session you are allowed the rest of day to sleep, eat ice cream, and ruminate about your session. I was so wiped after this morning I'm not sure how I made it through the work day. Luckily it was Friday, and luckily (sort of) I had back-to-back-to-back meetings so there wasn't any downtime for me. But I still felt 'floaty' and not really present most of the day.
I had a dream last night (well actually I'm having lots of dreams lately....) in which my partner, our daughter, and I were in a plane crash. Actually the plane never crashed, but we were in the throws of it. The plane was so out of control that we clipped oil rigs out in the ocean, and we were flying so low that we were able to wave to people on the beaches. Oddly the plane actually landed at some tropical island, I went out and got ice cream, came back on the place, and then the scary ride continued.
So you ask, what does this dream mean??
Well, for the past 6 months I have been working on a plan to quit my current corporate-type job, my family would sell our house, and we would move 2 hours north and buy and ice cream shop! We are very close to completing a deal, and we met with another realtor last night regarding selling our home. Unfortunately she informed us that our house is now worth $65,000 less than when we bought it 8 years ago. This basically means that when/if we sell our house we probably won't do any better than break even. To say the least, my partner and I were in a state of shock. The poor realtor did know what to say to us.
I think M and I knew all along, subconsciously, that we didn't have much equity in the house. We bought the place before the housing market crashed. Oddly enough I watched this movie last week 'Too Big To Fail' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1742683/. It was really good, and gave me a much better understanding of what happened. Unfortunately I didn't fully realize, or wasn't willing to admit that we were one losers that bought high and now would sell low.
M and I had so many emotions last night. From being angry, to feeling like failures, and then everything in between. I did my best to not shutdown, but it was hard, and I wasn't completely successfully, but I didn't totally check out either. And then the big question that lingered.....what do we do about living out this crazy dream of buying an ice cream shop, moving to a quaint New England college town, and simplifying our lives?
We were both crushed, for so many reasons.
Odd, but I was also mad that I knew I'd have to take up some of my session with L today talking about this. I didn't want to. I'm so sick of talking, and planning, and thinking out of the box, and shifting money, and......everything else that comes in to play with uprooting your whole family. I eat, sleep, and drink it. I just want off of this crazy ride.......see where the airplane crash comes in?????
What I really wanted to talk to L about was our relationship and the realization that the dream I had was about her. I mean I didn't actually want to talk to her about it, but I also knew that I'd regret it if I didn't somehow start the conversation.
So I did something that I don't normally do, in fact not sure if I've ever done it. I went in, sat down, and started talking right away. No banter, no warm up, no skirting the subject, no lighthearted conversation. I told her about the dream, what happened with the realtor, and how M and I handled it afterwards.
L of course was her usual glass-half-full and although she totally understood why I was feeling defeated she felt that it wasn't clearly a deal breaker. We have other options, which we do, and this was all still workable. I, on the other hand still needed to lick my wounds for a while so I gave a lot of sarcastic responses to her supportive words. I kept saying to her that I didn't want to spend my time talking about this today, and then I would continue talking.....go figure.
After hashing that through for about 45 minutes she finally shifted and said 'Ok, what is it that you also really need to get out today?' Funny, that pretty much caused me stop talking and go into I-don't-know-land. So we played the guessing game for a while until I was able to get out some painful cryptic words to describe what was going on in my head.
I was somehow able to communicate that I was bothered by the realization I had the other day concerning my dreams about having an affair. She said she took those dreams has me wanting to have more intimacy with my partner M, m, ore connection. And although I agree with that it occurred to me that the person in the dream that I was having the affair with was her. .........that's hard to even write, never mind say out loud.
As you can imagine this lead down a very difficult, painful, and embarrassing conversation. She said she was flattered.
Because I took so long to get to this place of talking we ran out of time, even though we went over time, it was nearly a 2 hour session. And writing about it now I can't remember exactly what was said, I only allowed some of it in. And now 24 hours, how do I feel? I guess I'm ok, but as much as I like to process/ruminate about my sessions, I'm having a hard time with that right now. And maybe that's a good thing.
I had a dream last night (well actually I'm having lots of dreams lately....) in which my partner, our daughter, and I were in a plane crash. Actually the plane never crashed, but we were in the throws of it. The plane was so out of control that we clipped oil rigs out in the ocean, and we were flying so low that we were able to wave to people on the beaches. Oddly the plane actually landed at some tropical island, I went out and got ice cream, came back on the place, and then the scary ride continued.
So you ask, what does this dream mean??
Well, for the past 6 months I have been working on a plan to quit my current corporate-type job, my family would sell our house, and we would move 2 hours north and buy and ice cream shop! We are very close to completing a deal, and we met with another realtor last night regarding selling our home. Unfortunately she informed us that our house is now worth $65,000 less than when we bought it 8 years ago. This basically means that when/if we sell our house we probably won't do any better than break even. To say the least, my partner and I were in a state of shock. The poor realtor did know what to say to us.
I think M and I knew all along, subconsciously, that we didn't have much equity in the house. We bought the place before the housing market crashed. Oddly enough I watched this movie last week 'Too Big To Fail' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1742683/. It was really good, and gave me a much better understanding of what happened. Unfortunately I didn't fully realize, or wasn't willing to admit that we were one losers that bought high and now would sell low.
M and I had so many emotions last night. From being angry, to feeling like failures, and then everything in between. I did my best to not shutdown, but it was hard, and I wasn't completely successfully, but I didn't totally check out either. And then the big question that lingered.....what do we do about living out this crazy dream of buying an ice cream shop, moving to a quaint New England college town, and simplifying our lives?
We were both crushed, for so many reasons.
Odd, but I was also mad that I knew I'd have to take up some of my session with L today talking about this. I didn't want to. I'm so sick of talking, and planning, and thinking out of the box, and shifting money, and......everything else that comes in to play with uprooting your whole family. I eat, sleep, and drink it. I just want off of this crazy ride.......see where the airplane crash comes in?????
What I really wanted to talk to L about was our relationship and the realization that the dream I had was about her. I mean I didn't actually want to talk to her about it, but I also knew that I'd regret it if I didn't somehow start the conversation.
So I did something that I don't normally do, in fact not sure if I've ever done it. I went in, sat down, and started talking right away. No banter, no warm up, no skirting the subject, no lighthearted conversation. I told her about the dream, what happened with the realtor, and how M and I handled it afterwards.
L of course was her usual glass-half-full and although she totally understood why I was feeling defeated she felt that it wasn't clearly a deal breaker. We have other options, which we do, and this was all still workable. I, on the other hand still needed to lick my wounds for a while so I gave a lot of sarcastic responses to her supportive words. I kept saying to her that I didn't want to spend my time talking about this today, and then I would continue talking.....go figure.
After hashing that through for about 45 minutes she finally shifted and said 'Ok, what is it that you also really need to get out today?' Funny, that pretty much caused me stop talking and go into I-don't-know-land. So we played the guessing game for a while until I was able to get out some painful cryptic words to describe what was going on in my head.
I was somehow able to communicate that I was bothered by the realization I had the other day concerning my dreams about having an affair. She said she took those dreams has me wanting to have more intimacy with my partner M, m, ore connection. And although I agree with that it occurred to me that the person in the dream that I was having the affair with was her. .........that's hard to even write, never mind say out loud.
As you can imagine this lead down a very difficult, painful, and embarrassing conversation. She said she was flattered.
Because I took so long to get to this place of talking we ran out of time, even though we went over time, it was nearly a 2 hour session. And writing about it now I can't remember exactly what was said, I only allowed some of it in. And now 24 hours, how do I feel? I guess I'm ok, but as much as I like to process/ruminate about my sessions, I'm having a hard time with that right now. And maybe that's a good thing.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I worked from home today because I couldn't bear the thought of trying to get through another day at that place. It's not as dire as I make it sound, but given that I have the option to work from home, I indulged myself today. It's kind of nice. I'm sitting in a nice, warm quiet house, the kid is at school and the wife left for work. still have my comfy clothes on, the fireplace is going, and it's snowing a bit outside.
My head still feels like it's all over the place though, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to share tomorrow. Part of staying home today is to keep me safe in my cocoon. Having the internal fight 'to talk or not to talk tomorrow'. I hate that fight, although I'm honestly not sure which side I'd prefer to always be on.
I sometimes say to L that I don't want to have certain needs, like needing a connection, it's too intense for me, it's too hard and it hurts too much. I tell her that my goal is to not need people. And of course she thinks just the opposite. Needing people is innate, it's who I am, I just need to accept it. And if I'm in a particular frame of mind I would agree with her, but today I'm not there, but I'm not quite at the opposite end of the spectrum either. I think this is what some call 'limbo', or to be overly dramatic, 'hell'.
My head still feels like it's all over the place though, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to share tomorrow. Part of staying home today is to keep me safe in my cocoon. Having the internal fight 'to talk or not to talk tomorrow'. I hate that fight, although I'm honestly not sure which side I'd prefer to always be on.
I sometimes say to L that I don't want to have certain needs, like needing a connection, it's too intense for me, it's too hard and it hurts too much. I tell her that my goal is to not need people. And of course she thinks just the opposite. Needing people is innate, it's who I am, I just need to accept it. And if I'm in a particular frame of mind I would agree with her, but today I'm not there, but I'm not quite at the opposite end of the spectrum either. I think this is what some call 'limbo', or to be overly dramatic, 'hell'.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sorry that I can't seem to complete a thought or a sentence, but too much going on in my head and I needed to get some of it out...
It wasn't enough, and I think I over-shared as well. I often (some may say 'obsessively') look back at my session, sometimes to gain an understanding, sometimes because I like being in a place where I can talk, and sometimes
The 'structure' of the session quite often repeats itself, or better said that I am a creature of habit and I'm probably pretty predictable. W
Towards the end I remembered that I had had some dreams of the past few days that were similar. And knowing how much L likes to interpret dreams I told her a bit about them.
Later that night I got lost in thinking that L was the person I was having the affair with. If it's possible that a thought could kill you, then this one almost did. It wasn't the dream so much, but it was telling L.
You would think 90 minutes would be enough, but it's not, or at least it wasn't yesterday. I didn't want to leave. I told her that I would just sit quietly in the corner
My thoughts are fragmented and I want to sit with her and try and finish each of the thoughts
She tried to bring up what we talked about last session, but I wouldn't go there.
Or do I just like playing the cat and mouse game for a while
She said she noticed that I haven't been fidgeting with my car keys for a while. I guess that's an easy one to psychoanalyze.
Is it ok to be happy about the coincidence of where the shop will be, or should I be worried
Am I just trying to fool myself?
It wasn't enough, and I think I over-shared as well. I often (some may say 'obsessively') look back at my session, sometimes to gain an understanding, sometimes because I like being in a place where I can talk, and sometimes
The 'structure' of the session quite often repeats itself, or better said that I am a creature of habit and I'm probably pretty predictable. W
Towards the end I remembered that I had had some dreams of the past few days that were similar. And knowing how much L likes to interpret dreams I told her a bit about them.
Later that night I got lost in thinking that L was the person I was having the affair with. If it's possible that a thought could kill you, then this one almost did. It wasn't the dream so much, but it was telling L.
You would think 90 minutes would be enough, but it's not, or at least it wasn't yesterday. I didn't want to leave. I told her that I would just sit quietly in the corner
My thoughts are fragmented and I want to sit with her and try and finish each of the thoughts
She tried to bring up what we talked about last session, but I wouldn't go there.
Or do I just like playing the cat and mouse game for a while
She said she noticed that I haven't been fidgeting with my car keys for a while. I guess that's an easy one to psychoanalyze.
Is it ok to be happy about the coincidence of where the shop will be, or should I be worried
Am I just trying to fool myself?
Monday, January 9, 2012
My partner M and I met with L today for couple's counseling. We actually haven't been in probably 2 months, which was fine by me! First off I have a hard time talking in general, which of course is one of our problems. And then then what sometimes feels like the 'triangular-ness' of the relationship can really throw me for a loop. I don't think today, at least the 'process of' therapy threw me too much, although there was a bit of weirdness (on my part), but I think M and I have some work to do.
Not that M and I have a lot of disconnects, but we certainly do have our share, and the process of potentially uprooting our lives, moving, and buying an ice cream shop certainly puts a spotlight on our communication issues.
We were meeting L at noon today, so M picked me up from work and we drove together. I actually didn't want her to. I like and typically need the alone-time after a session, but I figured it may be defeating the purpose of couple's counseling if I hide from the chance to be alone, together, and talk.
When M got me I had some work frustrations that I had to deal with as we drove, which took up most of our commute time. But about 15 minutes before we got to L's office I was updating M on our household budget that I was working on this morning. This budget reflects what our new post-move-post-buy-the-ice-cream-shop lives would look like. Yes, our living expenses will go down, but my salary will be less than 1/3 of what I make now, at least for the first year. So I had to tell M that once we move we'll both need to be working, we cannot, at least initially just live on the income from the shop.
To back this up a little bit, you see the ice cream shop is my dream. I first told M about it 15 years ago and we both tried to make it work, but it honestly wasn't the right time for us. So after an initial push/plan, we put it aside.
Our lives went on, M, who was also in IT, quit her job and went back to school to become a medical esthetician. She bounced around a few different jobs after becoming licensed, and never quite found her niche. But over 8 months ago she took a part time job as an instructor at an esthetics school, and she really loves it. I was so happy for her. The position was 3 nights a week, which worked well for our schedule, and that of our 5 year old.
Fast forward to now, where I HATE my job. I am at best middle-management and it's a terrible position to be in. Yes, I could get another job, and I've been looking for nearly two years, but I also know that no matter what, the grass usually isn't greener, and I'll have to deal with similar middle management-type issues no matter where I go.
You see, my favorite part of managing is the people on my time. The people who's lives I can affect in a positive manner. Whether it just be treating them like adults and not micro-managing, but also helping them grow into areas where they can excel. I like the mentoring part of the job. The part where I can back my team up completely, but also work with them in the trenches. The people are what have kept me in my current position. But the limitations I have faced and the crap I've had to stomach is just too much for me.And I will really hate leaving some of them, but it's time.
But I really hate asking M to leave her job and move. Although two weeks ago she came up with the idea that in March, if we haven't sold our current house, she would quit her job, move up north, and run the shop while I continue working full time. I need to keep working to pay our existing mortgage, and although there's a chance we may sell the house before March, given the state of the housing market, I don't think it's something we can count on, and we need to plan for further out.
Now, if you've stayed with me this long.....
So, 15 minutes before a couple's counseling session today, a session that I'm already nervous about, I bring up a difficult subject. Actually, what I now realize is that the subject was only difficult for me, not M. I actually thought we were having some sort of disagreement, but in talking with M about all of this on the ride back to work, it appears my perception was not reality.
I told M that my stomach was in knots while talking about the budget and both of us having to work. One at the ice cream shop and one outside of that, at least for the first year. She was shocked that I was so nervous. I told her how spent I was after the session with L. Once again, she was surprised. She thought it was a really good conversation and felt very positive afterwards.
How can that be? How can we be from such different planets?
There's more to the story, but I'm afraid it's gotten so convoluted know that I've probably lost any value in writing this. I see L individually this morning so I'm sure she'll make me sort this out.
Oh, and the triangular-ness this time....I sort of felt like L was just giving M all the good reasons to make this dramatic change in our lives. You see L is VERY much glass-half-full, and M is VERY much glass-half-empty. So in some ways I felt like L was trying to coerce, or at least convince M that this was all a good thing. But I'm sure I'm seeing this with some sort of crazy filter.
Not that M and I have a lot of disconnects, but we certainly do have our share, and the process of potentially uprooting our lives, moving, and buying an ice cream shop certainly puts a spotlight on our communication issues.
We were meeting L at noon today, so M picked me up from work and we drove together. I actually didn't want her to. I like and typically need the alone-time after a session, but I figured it may be defeating the purpose of couple's counseling if I hide from the chance to be alone, together, and talk.
When M got me I had some work frustrations that I had to deal with as we drove, which took up most of our commute time. But about 15 minutes before we got to L's office I was updating M on our household budget that I was working on this morning. This budget reflects what our new post-move-post-buy-the-ice-cream-shop lives would look like. Yes, our living expenses will go down, but my salary will be less than 1/3 of what I make now, at least for the first year. So I had to tell M that once we move we'll both need to be working, we cannot, at least initially just live on the income from the shop.
To back this up a little bit, you see the ice cream shop is my dream. I first told M about it 15 years ago and we both tried to make it work, but it honestly wasn't the right time for us. So after an initial push/plan, we put it aside.
Our lives went on, M, who was also in IT, quit her job and went back to school to become a medical esthetician. She bounced around a few different jobs after becoming licensed, and never quite found her niche. But over 8 months ago she took a part time job as an instructor at an esthetics school, and she really loves it. I was so happy for her. The position was 3 nights a week, which worked well for our schedule, and that of our 5 year old.
Fast forward to now, where I HATE my job. I am at best middle-management and it's a terrible position to be in. Yes, I could get another job, and I've been looking for nearly two years, but I also know that no matter what, the grass usually isn't greener, and I'll have to deal with similar middle management-type issues no matter where I go.
You see, my favorite part of managing is the people on my time. The people who's lives I can affect in a positive manner. Whether it just be treating them like adults and not micro-managing, but also helping them grow into areas where they can excel. I like the mentoring part of the job. The part where I can back my team up completely, but also work with them in the trenches. The people are what have kept me in my current position. But the limitations I have faced and the crap I've had to stomach is just too much for me.And I will really hate leaving some of them, but it's time.
But I really hate asking M to leave her job and move. Although two weeks ago she came up with the idea that in March, if we haven't sold our current house, she would quit her job, move up north, and run the shop while I continue working full time. I need to keep working to pay our existing mortgage, and although there's a chance we may sell the house before March, given the state of the housing market, I don't think it's something we can count on, and we need to plan for further out.
Now, if you've stayed with me this long.....
So, 15 minutes before a couple's counseling session today, a session that I'm already nervous about, I bring up a difficult subject. Actually, what I now realize is that the subject was only difficult for me, not M. I actually thought we were having some sort of disagreement, but in talking with M about all of this on the ride back to work, it appears my perception was not reality.
I told M that my stomach was in knots while talking about the budget and both of us having to work. One at the ice cream shop and one outside of that, at least for the first year. She was shocked that I was so nervous. I told her how spent I was after the session with L. Once again, she was surprised. She thought it was a really good conversation and felt very positive afterwards.
How can that be? How can we be from such different planets?
There's more to the story, but I'm afraid it's gotten so convoluted know that I've probably lost any value in writing this. I see L individually this morning so I'm sure she'll make me sort this out.
Oh, and the triangular-ness this time....I sort of felt like L was just giving M all the good reasons to make this dramatic change in our lives. You see L is VERY much glass-half-full, and M is VERY much glass-half-empty. So in some ways I felt like L was trying to coerce, or at least convince M that this was all a good thing. But I'm sure I'm seeing this with some sort of crazy filter.
Friday, January 6, 2012
I can't believe it, but I actually read my last post to L. It took a while, lucky for me my sessions are 90 minutes, cause it took me until about minute 89 before I started reading, out loud. And to be honest, I couldn't read the whole thing to her, it's just too embarrassing. But I did read the first 5 or so paragraphs to her, I stopped where I started writing about the update on the ice cream shop.
And it's now about 6 hours later, and I haven't died of embarrassment.....yet.
I worry that I talk too much about attachment and our relationship and how I feel about her. But she says No, we don't. I mention it, and it may be running around my head all the time, and I may constantly blog about it, but she says I have to take it to the next level. I need to have in depth conversations with her. Man that sound scary.
After I read it to her, she made me feel all normal (or mostly normal) about it. She said given my history, this is what I need to do. She also said that she's glad she's in my head, in fact she continues to impose herself on me. She wants me to hear her supportive voice. And she said that the need and want is so strong right now because she's the only one I've ever let in. So of course it's strong, but as I continue going through this process I will allow others in so I won't always rely on her.
It's so strange that this process of opening up an ice cream shop has affected me in so many ways. The most noticeable one for me is how I'm connecting with so many people. Not only am I opening up to a few people that are already in my life, but I'm expanding my base as well. I am having a great time talking with dealers, and owners, and vendors, and realtors about the whole ice cream business. It's great mix because who doesn't love ice cream?!! But also there's a business side to it that challenges me.
With friends I'm changing. I'm lucky to have a pretty quick, and sarcastic wit, so that's usually the way I 'bond' with people. But somehow, this conversation around my life-long dream of opening an ice cream shop has really given me reason to have deeper conversations with people. I guess it's difficult to have 'life-long dream' conversations and not getting to another level of connection with people.
So all-in-all a pretty good session.....although I'd never tell L that!!!
I actually did text her when I got to work:
Me: Seriously? Impose yourself?? I think that's illegal in a few states.
And it's now about 6 hours later, and I haven't died of embarrassment.....yet.
I worry that I talk too much about attachment and our relationship and how I feel about her. But she says No, we don't. I mention it, and it may be running around my head all the time, and I may constantly blog about it, but she says I have to take it to the next level. I need to have in depth conversations with her. Man that sound scary.
After I read it to her, she made me feel all normal (or mostly normal) about it. She said given my history, this is what I need to do. She also said that she's glad she's in my head, in fact she continues to impose herself on me. She wants me to hear her supportive voice. And she said that the need and want is so strong right now because she's the only one I've ever let in. So of course it's strong, but as I continue going through this process I will allow others in so I won't always rely on her.
It's so strange that this process of opening up an ice cream shop has affected me in so many ways. The most noticeable one for me is how I'm connecting with so many people. Not only am I opening up to a few people that are already in my life, but I'm expanding my base as well. I am having a great time talking with dealers, and owners, and vendors, and realtors about the whole ice cream business. It's great mix because who doesn't love ice cream?!! But also there's a business side to it that challenges me.
With friends I'm changing. I'm lucky to have a pretty quick, and sarcastic wit, so that's usually the way I 'bond' with people. But somehow, this conversation around my life-long dream of opening an ice cream shop has really given me reason to have deeper conversations with people. I guess it's difficult to have 'life-long dream' conversations and not getting to another level of connection with people.
So all-in-all a pretty good session.....although I'd never tell L that!!!
I actually did text her when I got to work:
Me: Seriously? Impose yourself?? I think that's illegal in a few states.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
While giving my daughter a tub last night I grabbed my Nook and thought I would read for a little bit, but instead I wrote this:
So is it better to fight the attachment stuff with L? or is it better to wholeheartedly embrace it? Although she is not perfect, and I don't think I have her on too high of a pedestal, what she gives me is amazing. She has been unwavering in her support and guidance, and I feel such a connection with her.
Or instead of those two choices, fighting or embracing, is there something in the middle? Would it be better for me to accept her support, but also be mindful of the reality? Funny, as I write 'mindful of the reality' I hear L in my head "And what is the reality of our relationship?" I don't think she'd quite agreement with my assesment. And actually, I would feel bad if said stuff like '...it's a business relationship....I pay for you to care...etc'
I certainly don't want those things to be true, and in my heart-of-hearts I'm pretty sure she cares, but I still fight it.
I had this all rolling around in my head when I saw her today. I hadn't seen her for over a week and I felt like I was in the 'what's this all about' kind of place. Like why do I still struggle with the relationship part? Why can't I come in and get relief from talking about day-to-day stuff? Why do I allow her to grow so much in my head? I don't need this, I bring it on myself.
So of course instead of talking about any of this today (cause I feel like I should be beyond it by now) we talk about all the other stuff that is going on.
I fill her on the latest with the ice cream shop. I am still working with the owners of the original place that I liked. Unfortunately because they are a mom-and-pop kind of shop, they have been very slow with giving us the financial info I've asked for. I can understand some of the delay, which is caused in part because nothing is computerized, in fact they don't even own a computer. But some things, like their tax filings for the past 3 years and their bank statements they have not been forthcoming with. These things they should just be able to pull from their files, but for some reason they keep delaying things.
And although they haven't been able to officially 'prove' what their business is worth, they did give me a high-level price and a high level of their sales volume. So I've spent some time trying to come up a way to assess their business. All my findings point to them asking WAY to much.
But with all that frustration, I have been able to come up comperable businesses in the area, more to show the owners what other shops are priced at so they would be willing to come down in price. And last week we took it a step further and visted one of the comperable business. At first glance I had written it off as a possibility for us, but after looking at it further we decided to really look into this place. And to make a long story short, we really, really liked the business, and the town. So now we are having deeper and more detailed conversations with the owners of place number 2!
It's all very exciting, and exhausting, and scary, but things are really starting to move now, and M (my partner) and I agree that we should have a decision by the end of this month, with a goal of buying the business in March.
So now, my first day back at work since Christmas and I've been on the phone all day with brokers, realtors, and distributors. And this really is what I talked with L about our session today.
Maybe it was good to that I focused on the ice cream stuff today, and there is so much too it, but at the same time I don't get the same type of relief, or connection as when we talk about 'our relationship'. I wish I understood that better.
And just to add a little twist to this new shop, it's a 1 1/2 hour drive north from where we live now, which is fine because we anticipated moving. In fact this town is a college town with a very active chamber of commerce, so there are lots of plusses. But the weird thing is L has a second/vacation home in the next town. She actually knows this shop and the town very well, as it's the only place for 15 miles to get ice cream. So I'm assuming, and hoping that she'd still be a customer!! I know I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, or even assume that she'd still come.
Another weird thing is I probably wouldn't see her at her current office, as it would be a 90 minute drive. But she said we would figure something out. She spends a lot of time up there, especially during the sommer, so we could figure out another place to meet, maybe a library or something. We've met at coffee shops in the past, so that's a possibility as well.
It's all so strange, this therapy stuff. Is it supposed to be, or is it just me? Seriously, do normal people worry about how a life altering a decision, like moving and switching careers will impact your therapy?
Just sent L another text:
Me: Not so good with the talking today, sorry. I just keep fighting it, but I'll try to be on my better behaviour on Friday.
Her response: All is good.
So is it better to fight the attachment stuff with L? or is it better to wholeheartedly embrace it? Although she is not perfect, and I don't think I have her on too high of a pedestal, what she gives me is amazing. She has been unwavering in her support and guidance, and I feel such a connection with her.
Or instead of those two choices, fighting or embracing, is there something in the middle? Would it be better for me to accept her support, but also be mindful of the reality? Funny, as I write 'mindful of the reality' I hear L in my head "And what is the reality of our relationship?" I don't think she'd quite agreement with my assesment. And actually, I would feel bad if said stuff like '...it's a business relationship....I pay for you to care...etc'
I certainly don't want those things to be true, and in my heart-of-hearts I'm pretty sure she cares, but I still fight it.
I had this all rolling around in my head when I saw her today. I hadn't seen her for over a week and I felt like I was in the 'what's this all about' kind of place. Like why do I still struggle with the relationship part? Why can't I come in and get relief from talking about day-to-day stuff? Why do I allow her to grow so much in my head? I don't need this, I bring it on myself.
So of course instead of talking about any of this today (cause I feel like I should be beyond it by now) we talk about all the other stuff that is going on.
I fill her on the latest with the ice cream shop. I am still working with the owners of the original place that I liked. Unfortunately because they are a mom-and-pop kind of shop, they have been very slow with giving us the financial info I've asked for. I can understand some of the delay, which is caused in part because nothing is computerized, in fact they don't even own a computer. But some things, like their tax filings for the past 3 years and their bank statements they have not been forthcoming with. These things they should just be able to pull from their files, but for some reason they keep delaying things.
And although they haven't been able to officially 'prove' what their business is worth, they did give me a high-level price and a high level of their sales volume. So I've spent some time trying to come up a way to assess their business. All my findings point to them asking WAY to much.
But with all that frustration, I have been able to come up comperable businesses in the area, more to show the owners what other shops are priced at so they would be willing to come down in price. And last week we took it a step further and visted one of the comperable business. At first glance I had written it off as a possibility for us, but after looking at it further we decided to really look into this place. And to make a long story short, we really, really liked the business, and the town. So now we are having deeper and more detailed conversations with the owners of place number 2!
It's all very exciting, and exhausting, and scary, but things are really starting to move now, and M (my partner) and I agree that we should have a decision by the end of this month, with a goal of buying the business in March.
So now, my first day back at work since Christmas and I've been on the phone all day with brokers, realtors, and distributors. And this really is what I talked with L about our session today.
Maybe it was good to that I focused on the ice cream stuff today, and there is so much too it, but at the same time I don't get the same type of relief, or connection as when we talk about 'our relationship'. I wish I understood that better.
And just to add a little twist to this new shop, it's a 1 1/2 hour drive north from where we live now, which is fine because we anticipated moving. In fact this town is a college town with a very active chamber of commerce, so there are lots of plusses. But the weird thing is L has a second/vacation home in the next town. She actually knows this shop and the town very well, as it's the only place for 15 miles to get ice cream. So I'm assuming, and hoping that she'd still be a customer!! I know I probably shouldn't be so happy about that, or even assume that she'd still come.
Another weird thing is I probably wouldn't see her at her current office, as it would be a 90 minute drive. But she said we would figure something out. She spends a lot of time up there, especially during the sommer, so we could figure out another place to meet, maybe a library or something. We've met at coffee shops in the past, so that's a possibility as well.
It's all so strange, this therapy stuff. Is it supposed to be, or is it just me? Seriously, do normal people worry about how a life altering a decision, like moving and switching careers will impact your therapy?
Just sent L another text:
Me: Not so good with the talking today, sorry. I just keep fighting it, but I'll try to be on my better behaviour on Friday.
Her response: All is good.
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