When I walked out of her office this morning that was my reaction, 'That sucked!', and I had to really hold back from texting her that. I knew sending her that wouldn't be fair, not that it wasn't true, but I'm pretty sure she would have been blind sided. Although part of me wanted to inflict some sort of pain I also knew I'd regret it at some point.
I wanted so much to feel connected to her. I also wanted to talk about wanting to connect to her. I really wanted to talk about our (?) relationship, if that's what it is. I wanted to feel good about seeing her twice this week, instead of conflicted. I wanted to talk about feeling conflicted. I wanted to talk about working towards not seeing her twice a week. I wanted to talk about the craving.
But we didn't talk about any of that, and I know that's my fault, but I'm not big enough to hold myself accountable for it, instead I have/want to be angry at her.
It's her fault for not steering the session that way. It's her fault for keeping the conversation normal. It's her fault for believing me when I told her that there wasn't anything else that I wanted to talk about.
It was all too light, like she doesn't want to 'go deep' with me anymore. She's tired of it. Can't I just be normal and talk about normal things? As I was driving back to work I kept thinking if someone was in that room with us it probably seemed like a good conversation. We covered lots of things, some good stuff, some parenting stuff, some fun stuff. Most would have considered it fulfilling. And then there's me.
Maybe the initial conversation around 'Do you think it's Freudian....?' really threw me off. I know I was bothered by it. Maybe cause there's some truth to it? I don't know. Maybe if she approached it a little different. She did ask how was M's new job going and what was the affect of her new hours. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, but it did, I could physically feel it. Was it because she was calling me out on something? Not sure. Honestly.
And what didn't help....no hug at the end of the session, haven't had one in a while.
And what else didn't help....opening her office door at the end of a crappy session, not getting a hug, and....two kids in their late teens sitting out in the hallway waiting for her. They were all casual and friendly saying to her 'We thought we'd surprise you and stop by!! They get to know her, to be with her in a way I don't get to. I hate being reminded of that.
And what else didn't help...opening her office door, while seething internally, without any supportive hug (again) with two shiny-happy people that get to just show up......and Alanis Morrssette playing on my iPod the whole way back to work.....You Oughta Know.