I think it was an 'ok' session. Not great, and not horrible, but somewhere in between. It's so strange how after a bit of a break I need time to reconnect, and I guess that's what we did.
We talked about my trip to Florida, my not getting yet another job, buying a new car (LOVE the smell of a new car!!!), how things were at work, how things are going with my partner...etc. It was good, but nothing too intense. I suppose it's not suppose to be intense, and I probably couldn't go there, but I still crave it. I still crave the connection that an intense session brings.
So I leave, feeling 'ok' and I re-promise (is that a word??) that I won't reach out to her and ask for another session this week. Even though at the end yesterday she told me that 'she'd be around', which is code for 'call me if you want to meet again', I want to fight it. I don't want to continue being in the position of needing her. I feel like a failure, like a wimp. And within 3 hours of leaving I send a text to her, simply 'Friday?', to which replies later on with a time. Of course I'm happy about it, but I also still feel like a failure. Like cheating on a diet. The ice cream tastes GREAT going down, but in the long wrong it's just adding extra poundage.
And now, if I'm not already crazy, I'm tormenting myself about seeing her again. L would tell me to stop beating myself up about it. That she's happy to see me, there's nothing wrong with going twice a week, there's nothing wrong with feeling supported by her. I just feel like I'm giving in to myself. That if I was just strong enough and try and get past the knee-jerk reaction of scheduling more time, then I would be ok.
L totally believes that by coming more and reaching out to her is a good thing, is good for me. She wants me to ask for what I need, and if she can she will try and meet them. I, on the other hand, think it's a good thing if I could get all my needs met internally.
The push-pull continues.