Monday, May 2, 2011

Me and Donna Summer......

We will survive.  Not sure what Ms Summer survived, but I appear to have survived L being away last week. 

Technically I didn't miss my weekly session with her.  Normally I see her on Wednesday mornings, but she was flying out Wednesday for the start of a quick vacation so I saw her on Tuesday morning instead.  And now because of a conflict with my schedule I see her this week on a Tuesday again. 

I guess what I did miss was the possibility of seeing her for a second time last week, which often can happen on a Friday.  But I also missed, only in my head of course, my 'safety net'.  In my head she was gone, unavailable, and had abandoned me.  Worse, I guess, in my head her leaving, or not being there, meant she didn't care anymore.  In fact, to me it meant she actually never cared in the first place.  There it is again, that thought that she had been tricking and lying to me all the time. 

The feeling or concern of being tricked and being lied to is something I'm always aware of.  It's probably part of my trust issues as well.  I suppose if I'm always waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me then it only makes sense that I would have a lot of trouble trusting people.

During her time away this week I texted her a lot.  She always says I can text and call as much as I want or need.  I'm not good on the phone so I choose to text and never call.  For me, the texting really helps.  We've had a few misunderstandings but overall it's helped my in between-session angst.  Actually, I think for me it's helped shorten the angst.  I certainly still get worked up and concerned but usually by exchanging a couple of texts and getting some reassurance from her the anxiety calms down.

The funny thing about texting is that at the moment I can tell her things via text that I would probably never tell her in person.  Especially things that expose my vulnerabilities, like how much she means to me, and how I can agonize over things.  I know one of our goals is for me to be able to say 'outloud' everything that I feel and think, but for now texting acts as the in between step.

No comments:

Post a Comment