Not sure where this post is going, so it may just be some ramblings....
I've been away since last Saturday at a work conference in Florida. Because I was located near Disney World, my daughter and wife came with me for a few days. Things have been a bit tense with my partner so I was a bit distracted and feeling a little 'walking on egg shells'. I wanted to have a good time without trying to force it but that's hard for me to do. I tend to over-think.
I'm not a great traveler. I like going to different places, I just hate the process of getting there. To much to coordinate, what-to-pack what-not-to-pack, who's going to care for the pets, do we drive to the airport, take a cab, get someone to take us, what time do we need to be at the airport, flight delays...etc. So, to say the least getting to Florida was a bit stressful, and my crappy attitude definitely did not help. Plus we didn't get to our hotel until nearly midnight, so we were all very, very tired. But, I'm happy to report that the next day at the Magic Kingdom was really great.
The looks on my daughter's face was priceless. We didn't push too much, and just did what we could. My daughter was also asked to be 'Pricess for Day' and she LOVED that! As did her two proud moms!
Unfortunately, after that nearly perfect family day, it was pretty tense with my wife and I. The rest of my time was spent at the conference while they visited a couple of different parks. So you would think when we would meet up at night it would be a good thing, but it wasn't. Maybe we were all just tired. Maybe it's the living in close-quarters. Maybe expectations were too high.
They're home now while I'm still in Florida. I'm grateful to have some time to myself. I've gotten some much needed rest too. Because I've been away I didn't see L this week. I had asked to see if she had time on Friday when I get back. She responded last night and said she had time in the afternoon, but oddly enough I declined, and I'm not quite sure why. I think part of it is resembling my 'real' life. I'm pulling away from my partner, and I just want to pull away from everyone.
I also think I don't want to face, with L, my issues with my partner. It's so hard for me to talk, to communicate what I want. It's not that I don't think I 'deserve' things or that I'm not worthy, it's more that I feel like my wants aren't valid. That they're too much to ask for.
My t and I constantly are at odds about asking for things I want or need. I feel that I shouldn't rely on anyone; that I should get things/wants/needs internally. I shouldn't need outside influences to get my needs meet, it should all come from within. She, on the otherhand feels quite the opposite. She feels that because by nature we are social-beings, it's best to reach outside myself and connect with others.
Part of me knows she's right. I have a really great connection with her and I certainly wish that my wife and I could reconnect on that level again. But other than my huge, huge fear of public speaking, my fear of intimate conversation with one person imobilizes me. So I do what's been ingrained in me, I retreat.