It went ok. Actually considering my mood, it went pretty well. I was nervous when I got there, I couldn't even look at her while doing the early banter. I avoided eye contact as we exchanged the usual nicities. Normally she would have asked me about the easy stuff. Work, my job search, my daughter...etc. Stuff that usually grounds me and calms me down. But not this time, and I was glad she didn't. Sometimes we spend too much time on the easy topics and we aren't able to dig deep enough on other things.
She asked if I wanted to talk about the recent tasks. Of course I said no. And of course I didn't mean it. I had sent her a text two days before:
Me: Hi, not sure why or what's going on, but a strong need/want to text/connect. Some day it won't be there, right?
Her: Some day yes, but for now it is great to text
Me: Thanks. I can't figure out what's harder, the craving or the way I feel about it
Her: Let's talk about both on wed
That last line 'let's talk about both on wed' shut me down. Which is probably why I was unwilling and unable to make eye contact when I first got there. As usual what I heard and what she meant were two different things. And intellectually I knew that, but emotionally I wouldn't have any part of it!
She is a great detective. She can, by asking a series of questions, usually get to what's going on with me, and can get me to a place to tell her what's happening. This time wasn't any difference. She eventually asked was I happy or satisfied with her response to my text. As usual, I explained myself in the form of a story.
I work with this guy named Alan. Really nice guy, I like him a lot and he has the best of intentions, but unfortunately he likes to talk, a lot. And not only a lot, but he likes to talk about the same topic over, and over, and over again. Maybe that's his strategy, to just wear you down!! Anyway, like I said I really do like this guy, but I know once he starts talking I start moving away; mostly physically. Like the other day after a meeting he continued to talk, and talk. So I got up and packed up my things. He didn't get the hint. I put on my coat to leave. Still didn't get the hint. Then I started making my way to the door. And he continued talking and now following me. Finally I said 'I know we're you're coming from, let's talk about this more at our next meeting'. And then I basically turned and walked out the door, never looking back.
After telling her the story I told her that's how I felt about her text. That she was sick of me texting and of hearing my neediness/attachment crap, and really she just wanted to turn and walk away from me. I also told her that I would reread the text and try and believe that she really thinks it's great for me to text right now, but I couldn't hold on to that. It's so funny how my mind works (or doesn't work??!!!).
We then started to talk about what could have possibly triggered the need/want to text. Sometimes I can pinpoint a specific event, but most times it was just what I was feeling at the time. This time it was because of some stuff that happened over the weekend, some stuff that happened with my partner. This relationship stuff is so hard and I'm getting concerned about the path my partner and I are on right now.
I know the theory is the relationship that you have with your T mirrors your outside relationships. I think this is the first time that I can see some definite parallels. For me it's my inability to talk, my inability to communicate my needs, and my definite worry about being abandoned. There's also some stuff about my worthiness in there as well.