Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Guess This is What Avoidance Feels Like

I've been feeling a little weird lately.  Not really bad, not really great, just somewhere in between, I think.  And maybe that's how normal people feel?  I haven't seen L for a while, and really haven't had much in between contact.  I do have my normal appointment tomorrow morning and I'm starting to feel a little anxious about it.  I think part of the anxiety is simply not having seen her in a while which  makes be a bit nervous.  Like we're not in our usual, familiar grove.

I think I'm also a little concerned about seeing her because of the overly dependent, craving-like feelings that I typically feel for her are currently at bay (somewhat, sort of!). I'm afraid that after I see her tomorrow I'll be flung back on to the merry-go-round.  That overwhelming, all consuming, push-pull feeling that invariably will happen.  It's not a good place to be.  I quite often wonder if by her allowing me nearly unlimited contact with her feeds into my cravings and will always keep me in this place of needing her.  That she'll always be my security blanket. 

We've talked about this, quite often actually and she assures me that once I get 'enough' I won't always be in this position.  I also know that a lot of my fear has to do with a previously all-consuming t-relationship that went sour and left me devastated for a long, long time.  Like 5 years!

I also know that I'm concerned about seeing L tomorrow because she'll ask me how the job hunt is going and I'll have to tell her about a job that I totally thought I had, but didn't get.  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed by this.  I feel like such a failure and I don't want to tell her.  I know she'll be supportive, but I've gotten a lot of job rejections lately and the one common denominator is me, and I can't help but beat myself up over it.  And I'm at a point where I won't be able to take in her support, I'll just think it's all trite.

So if I don't want to talk about things are in the t-relationship, and I don't want to talk about how the job search is going, then I most definitely don't want to talk about my relationship with my partner M.  Things were tough while we were away the week before, however things have been pretty good between us since coming home.  But I also know I'm probably fooling myself a bit, and I'm not really to be called out on that.

I guess we could always talk about the weather......

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