Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Need a Word

Funny, sounds like I'm talking about a crossword puzzle.  It's a puzzle alright, and I think I've lost a couple of pieces.

Let's just start off with saying it's not transference, I repeat NOT transference.  I've always hated that word.  It feels like it demeans the feelings that I'm having,  Like they're to be brushed off and not taken seriously.

So, as I was saying I need a word to describe how I feel about L (my therapist).  I certainly have a range of emotions about I feel towards her at times.  From angry, to jealous, to frustrated...etc.  But overall is it ok to say I love her?  Although I'm gay, I think I can honestly say my love for her is not a romantic one, but maybe more of a maternal/sisterly one.

Maybe the word I need is love, but is that ok?  And I don't want it watered down by someone telling me 'Oh, that's just transference talking'.  Maybe it is transference, but can't it still be love?  Of course it makes sense that I would have strong feelings for someone who is always supportive of me, has my best interest at heart, but does that make my feelings less legitimate?

She tells me that the relationship is real, so doesn't that mean how I feel about is her real?  Maybe it's real right now, but it will change?  Actually, in some way I'm hoping it changes.  I'll always want to be able to feel that I love her, but I need it to become less intense.  Everything she says and does cuts so deep and I experience it too intensely.  That's true for both the good and the bad stuff that happens.  I need the pendulum to not swing so far.  I need it to be more balanced.  But at the same time I don't want to lose my love for her.

I also wonder how she feels about me.

1 comment:

  1. I hate the word myself and think it should go far far away! I'm glad I found this post (I've been going through many of yours). I can see what you're saying and agree that they tell us that our relationship is real, therefore our feelings must be real.

    I want to know what mine thinks of me too!