Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's Complicated....or Maybe it's Just Me

I have my normal session tomorrow with L, last week she was on vacation, and I'm not sure how to 'act, or how to 'be'.  I'm sure most people would say 'Just be yourself', but that is much easier said than done.  I think I always have to figure out or plan how I'm going to be with L, although it doesn't always play out that way. 

I did survive while she was gone, and it was definitely the best I've ever been, although clearly there's lots of room for improvement.  I was also extremely sick for 3 days last week, so that took a lot of my focus.  But overall I was noticibly much better and less anxious, even compared to a regular week when L is around.  I only texted her once and I didn't have to fight off any urge to contact her more than that.  So I'm assuming that's growth?

She was actually back earlier in the week and she called and left me a voice message telling me she was back and if I wanted to see her earlier in the week (earlier than my usual Wednesday) we could probably figure out a time.  Oddly enough I was a little miffed that she called.  I think I was angry (more than miffed??) because I interpreted her calling as her acknowledging I was weak.  And although I am, I don't need to be reminded of it!  (please note there is some sarcasm in what I'm writing, but there's also a good mixture of truth too.....I guess I'll be the only one to know the difference)

Normally I would have been overjoyed and appreciative of her calling.  Normally I hope and hope she does, but unless initiate contact she typically doesn't reach out to me out of the blue.  So now this time I'm not sitting around hoping and hoping she calls, but then she does.  How dare she!

I was wondering last night if I should even keep my appointment with her this week.  I'm feeling ok.  I've even had some motivation this week to get things done.  My partner and I are going away for a couple of days at the end of this week (sans child!!) and I'm looking forward to it.  So do I go see L tomorrow and risk getting sucked back into the vortex called Therapy???

While thinking about that more I asked myself how would I feel if she cancelled tomorrow?  And my answer.....I'd hate her!!  So I guess I'm going.

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