I struggled so much, as I usually do. To text or not to text, that was the question. She always, always, encourages me to. She says she wants to know what's going through my head, no matter when it happens. And it has been extremely helpful. I have to admit that this is the best I've ever emotionally felt during a vacation (and during the vacation of ex-break-my-heart-dump-me-T), and I know part of it is the outside contact she allows and encourages.
I finally send this to her 'I'm ok, just trying to figure out how to make it until next wednesday. The anxiety has been managable. But now I need to figure out how to remember, how to 'hear' you. Does that make sense? Should I even be trying? Maybe just looking to stay connected.'
She responds the next day 'I'm glad you wanna stay connected. yes that makes sense i'm glad you wanna try. we are in the land of rain rain rain' (gosh, I hope she doesn't mind that I just posted her words?)
So initially I feel less than satisfied by her response. Then I start feeling like I got the big brush off. Ok, so maybe not the BIG brush off, she didn't break up with me, but I felt like she was just to busy to respond to me, which of course she has every right to. She's on vacation, and I'm not in crisis. Technically she answered my questions. But I guess my questions, really weren't questions. I mean they were questions, but I wasn't looking for answers per say, although of course I was looking for answers!
I should have called this blog 'More Crazy Thoughts'. I just can't get my right brain and left brain to play together nicely.
I am glad that your therapist wants you to be able to keep a connection going with her during her holiday. I was just wondering how it felt that she put the last sentence in 'we are in the land of rain'?
ReplyDeleteHow did the first two sentences feel like to you?
go gently
x
Logically I know that a text is not a full blown conversation, and that's probably why I like it, there's some safety in it for me. But her response felt too short-and-sweet, like she wanted to make sure she could check off that she responded, no matter what the content.
ReplyDeleteAs for the 'we are in the land of rain', initially it just added to the feelings of being brushed off, and like she was trying to hard her location from me. But sitting here now I know that it wasn't her intent. We joke a lot, humor is extremely helpful to me, although many times I use it to protect myself. So I'm certain her 'coyness' was her way of adding humor and lite-ness to the text, something I often do as well. And once again, because at this moment (second!) I'm at an ok-place I know I read way too much into this. In fact, this week she made reference to where she was and her comment made sense to me.
thanks for asking