Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Another Day in Paradise

Don't know what to title this, but I did want to update that apparently in no way did my T think I was quiting based on my text the other day.  Actually her response to my 'enough is enough...' rant was 'If you need time at the end of the week just call me'.  As much as I promised myself that I wouldn't contact her again, and possibly not go to my next session, the next day I sent her a text appologizing for the rant and that I was ok and that I was keeping things at bay.  And then she blew me away and sent 'it's hard sometimes to keep it at bay that's why it's ok to rant and text as much as you want'.  Who the hell does she think she is, being all supportive like that!

So, that exchange did put me in a better mood, although there still is a big part of me that is off balance.  It's like I'm forcing myself to function right now.  I have been worse before, no doubt about that, but I can't quite shake this weird feeling.
I'm also trying to work myself up to some difficult conversations with my partner.  Certainly not relationship ending, but still difficult.  This is probably adding to my strangeness as well.

One of the things I did text L about as well was that when I leave a session sometimes I have a sense of sadness or aloneness.  It's a feeling of loss that can sometimes be difficult to push aside.  I asked if we could talk about this more next week, and if it was possible to leave and not feel like this.  I think this thought also added to my spiral and rant. I wondered in my text to her if I was going back to the freakish attachment stuff?  Have I now gone full circle?

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