Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Has Something Changed?

And I don't mean for the better, I think.  Or is it because I'm 'better' she's changing, or changing her approach or support?  Sometimes I like to describe my process of 'getting things out' as throwing up, which means I have all these crazy thoughts and I just first need to get them out, and if I'm being vocal (as opposed to writing) I just go into a rant for a while.  Sometimes I can get some clarity, especially if I'm ranting at/with L, or sometimes it just feels better, like after you throw up(sorry if this is so gross!).  Anyway, I think I just need to throw up right now, would prefer to do it with L, but not sure I can, cause it's sort of about her.

I feel, or maybe think that we, or she has been missing the mark.  And I'm not quite sure that is accurate either.  She still seems like herself, but maybe it's more the way she's been treating me lately.  For instance, sometimes she asks whether I want to schedule another session this week with her. Or at the very least she tells me she's around for the rest of the week so I can come in again if I want.  But she hasn't been saying that lately.  I even mentioned it in my text/rant last week but she never said anything of it.  So is she not offering because she's taking those extra sessions off the table, or because I'm better and she thinks I can now ask for what I need?  And then of course the most vocal alternative that I have is that she's had enough of me and the connection that I perceive isn't real? 

Another thing is hugs....uggh, always a tough one, and maybe too much of a slippery slope, and maybe that's why it's been taken away?  Or maybe she's waiting for me to ask.

Then the text last week were I specifically said 'Can you please add this to the ever growing list of embarrassing things to talk about....', and then she didn't bring it up today.  And the concern was the aloneness that I typically feel when I leave my session with her.  So because it wasn't talked about today I'm back to feeling the aloneness.
I feel, again, like I want or need something deeper/richer and she can't offer that.  And now I'm back to feeling like I'm too much, I want too much, and I'm too much work. 

I know I should talk to her about all this, and I know that there are a million different valid reasons for the above, but this is one of those times that the logical stuff doesn't trump the emotional stuff.  And so for the 2 people that may potentially read this, please don't tell me to talk to her about it.  I know you're right, but I'm not in that place right now.  I'm in somewhat of a distant place right now.  I hope that didn't sound too harsh, just more throwing up.

Lastly, I took the chicken way out and sent her a text asking if she has changed the way she works or interacts with me.  I know it's a loaded question, and not something that can be answered via text.  Well actually I imagine it can, and will be answered with a 'No', but her followup questioning will only be done face-to-face, which is ok, I guess, but now I have to wait another week.  There's no way that I'll ask her for another day this week. At least that's where I'm at right I stomp my foot and walk away.

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