She didn't tell me.  Or rather, she forgot to tell me.  She's going away.  For 2 weeks.  To South Africa.

It definitely bothered me, but not as bad as I would have thought it would.  Maybe it was the look on her face when she realized it. Nearly horrified at herself, and really concerned for me.  She apologized profusely.

I needed to let it sink in before I could really discuss it with her.  However I've been in a sort of low place lately.  Not fully participating in things, just watching from the perimeter.  I've had to force myself to do things, trying to get myself out of this mood but it's hard.  So I was very quiet  after her telling me about her vacation.

There was a lot of push-pull at this session.  Much more palpable than usual.  I think a couple times I may have intended to leave, luckily I thought staying was a much better option, and so I did, with her quiet encouragement.

In the end I talked, not at great lengths, but I think enough to feel better.



I miss Li.  But I think in reality I miss what I thought we had. I wonder why she played me.  Or like I told Celia I wonder if it was 'professional manipulation'.  She told me what she thought I should hear to get better, to form a close relationship with her.  But it was fake, she never really meant it.

So why do I get myself into such a tangled mess.  In reality the service that you offer is to be a blank slate and I'm wanting you to be something more, or to give more of who you are.  But that's not what you're offering and not fair or reasonable of me to expect more.

Maybe I can't do therapy in a healthy way, in a way that's beneficial for me.  I get to engrossed.

I'm glad it's Wednesday and I see Celia today.  Although I do hate this living from session-to-session. It's nothing new of course, it happened with Claire and with Li, it's just so frustrating, and crazy-making.  I mean who pays someone to frustrate them?  She texted me on Monday to tell me she was coming into the shop.  Of course I like getting a text from her, but I don't think it's necessary.

I'm finally acknowledging, to myself, that I've been very anxious at the shop lately.  Yesterday I noticed before I even got there I was getting worked up.  I think it's mostly when I know I'm gonna be alone for a while.  Luckily the busy season is really kicking in and I can have staff come in a lot earlier than before and that eases things internally.  

It seems like for me that going to therapy is all about the relationship.  I've read about the importance of the relationship and I totally get that and agree but it feels like I get the most 'fed' when we talk about how I feel about 'us' and how she feels.  And I'm a little embarrassed and concerned about that.

I logically know it's a paid relationship but it's one thing to pay for their input, experience....etc and it's another to actually pay for the intimacy.

I texted Celia yesterday cause I didn't get enough on Wednesday with her.  It helped, sort of.  It's good to know that she's there and will answer.

For the record, not 'hunching over' and having more eye contact does not, or did not mean more internalizing. Even though it was a 'nice' session i certainly didn't, and don't feel that sense of being 'fed', that feeling like I really connected to her.   In fact I feel pretty alone and sad.

We talked about me coming in and just 'simply' saying whats on my mind.  No filter, no pause, no judgement, no 'prettying it up'.  I can't imagine that.

I'm fairly certain she should be ok with me texting her but I'm trying to hold back on that.  Hoping that I can distract myself enough where I don't need to contact her.

I feel better after seeing Celia yesterday, even though it was only a 50 minute session.  I told her about being very anxious last week and it was driven by fear/or looking forward to seeing her in town, at my shop.  She quickly understood and even felt bad for not realizing this and talking it through before.

Been feeling/thinking that maybe I can never resolve my attachment issues.  I'm just going round and round.  Different person, same ending.