My friend Michelle died last night, I just found out today. We exchanged texts on Wednesday.  The chemo wasn't working, she was out of options.  Three years fighting, but it was now time to call hospice.  I thought we'd still have time.  Time to talk like we used to.  Time for me to somehow help.  Were there things that she wanted me to do for her?  What about her 2 boys?

Interesting session yesterday and I feel pretty good about it all today. She was up in my territory yesterday so instead of me driving 2 hours each way to her office we met at a coffee shop the next town over from me. Of course it's great that I don't have to waste the entire day driving, although that has its benefits too, meeting her outside of her office is not alway as intimate as I would like/need, and I finally shared that with her last time we met so she's aware of it now.
A couple random thoughts:
    My daughter wanted me to ask L if she would come to her play this Friday. My daughter, who's 9 is extremely excited about her play and wants anyone we've ever met to come! and secretly instead I would have wanted L there too! So I did bring it up during our session, half kidding, but still hoping, and L responded that she really would love to come but she's heading back to main home on Froday morning. But she said that she hopes to be up in my area a lot this summer so if my daughter has another performance she would love to come! In telling my wife M this last night she said 'ya, that sounds like something L would do.'
 Of course because we were in a local coffee shop, and I'm a local business owner I wasn't surprised that I would see people I knew, which didn't really bother me. However I wasn't prepared for a local college professor that I've done some community work with to be at the shop and beyond saying Hi to each other he came over to ask me something for a similar community event next year. It was a little weird, but not really that bad. And I was glad /proud that L got to see me in my 'natural' and 'more normal setting.'
We also,talked about me texting her last week and what was going on for me at that time. The text I sent was just really a simple 'hi', and a way for me to ensure that she's still out there. She said she was happy I did. I told her I hate being so needy.  She said it wasn't need or dependence, it was just a way for me to feel connected and there's nothing wrong with that. She doe it quite often with her children, just to make sure they're not dead!!
Because she'll be up I'm my neck of the woods next week again she asked if I was ok with meeting again at th coffee shop, which I was. However after reading on a psych blog about 'if you could spend a day with your T what would you do, I got the courage to ask if if next week we could do a simple hike instead of meeting at the coffee shop. We always meet for 90 minutes and the hike is less than a mile and ends with an amazing view of one of the most beautiful lakes in the area I've often thought of doing this with here. She's a seasoned hiker and I'm definetly not but I've often wondered about sharing that experience with her. She responded with 'sure, that sounds great!'. I was very relieved, although there's still plenty of time to chicken out!

There's got to be a 'why', right? Why am I filled with anxiety today?  Why do I transfer 'mother-crap' to her?  The silence, both my own and hers.  I guess just because I think/feel it doesn't make it so? I'm even seeing C's face instead of hers today.  That's even weirder. I feel silence is punishment and I also use silence as punishment.  Strange, yet it makes crazy sense too.

I've gotten myself all wound up that she's had enough of me.

Sent her another text message and then turned off the ringer so I won't hear the notification. And there's this level of satisfaction in giving her that type of silence.  Yet I'm well aware that it's all in my head.

I'm back in 'that place' again.  The anger, the mistrust, the push-pull.  It's been coming on for a couple of weeks and it got pretty bad yesterday.  I'm so lost in my thoughts, withdrawn, I can't get her out of my head.

Today I had to cancel because my daughter was home sick.  Part of me was relieved and part of me is...well I'm not quite sure. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I did have this weird, brief moment in which I really thought she cared, but it was all a misunderstanding.  She is going to be up in my neck of the woods tomorrow, she has an appointment and she suggested we meet after as it would save me four hours-round trip.  Unfortunately I couldn't get anyone to cover the shop for me so instead we confirmed a time for today, and I would just drive the two hours each way that I normally do.  But because of my daughter I sent her a text saying I had to cancel today.  She then sent me a text later so 'OK, see you tomorrow'.  I was confused, as we were supposed to meet today because I have to work tomorrow.  And then I got it in my head that because she was up here anyway tomorrow, she would just stop by my shop. We couldn't have a session but it would be great to have her come by. Unfortunately that was never the case.  She just forgot, and now I'm back to hating her.

I know these feelings are childish, and probably not even meant for  her, mostly.  But knowing that doesn't change anything.

Yesterday was Easter so I drove down (reluctantly) to visit some family for the day.  Because my wife and daughter were spending the weekend with family, they were already there, so I had a long drive to myself, which I typically like.  Unfortunately because I was in the area, and alone, I drove by my ex-T's house, twice.  It was a little weird be back in that town again, where I had spent so much time, and now we don't even speak. Sad

I think I've made progress.  The anxiety doesn't happen as often, although it still does happen.  But even when it does I can quite often distract myself, not always but often. Things that happen between us don't turn into a big rupture, atleast not in the same way.
I talked to her today, she's says more than I have in the past.  She's smart, she remembers most things I've told her, even things I've forgotten. I think it helped, or I guess I'm hopeful that it will even though I feel like I'm still in a daze.
I couldn't tell her about the dream I had about her last night, and there is some guilty pleasure in reliving the dream, but too embarrassing to tell her. I'm confident that she would be fine with it and see it for what it really was, but I still couldn't get those words out.  Not even sure I wanted to.
We did talk about longing, and maternal feelings, and me being lost in my thoughts.  I told her how I often go for drives.  Partly because I'm still learning the lay of the land up here and it's so damn beautiful, the mountains and the lakes.  But then I also like indulging in my thoughts, and it's my time all alone.
We briefly touched on my being jealous of her family and friends and me keeping her on a pedestal.  But it was late and we were out of time.
I just don't know where or how she fits into my life.  Maybe it's even an 'if' she fits, cause maybe she's not supposed to.  I hope that's not true.
I really want/need to keep delving into this more, I hope she holds me to it.  She usually does a pretty good job of knowing when to push or not.

Need to get out the intensity of the anxiety, the thoughts, the wants, the longing.  I seem to lose that intensity by the time I get there and then it's hard to find the right words, to recreate it without minimizing it.
What are the thoughts? They are about her in one way or another.  What is she doing?  Who is she with?  Wishing/longing for her to be my mom/big sister. Hating her for having these feelings.  Jealous of her friends and family; people she chooses to be with in her free time.  I see pictures of her on Facebook or comments she's written and it makes me ache.
I know it's not normal, and I also know it doesn't make me crazy.  I'm just embarrassed to tell her, I also hate that she has one-up on me, making me clearly weaker in the relationship.  Hmm, wonder what that means.
I also don't believe what she tells me, except of course for the times I do.
I hate her.  I love her.  fucked
I do ok, I fall apart.  I miss her, I'm fine.  push. pull.
I picture myself telling her this stuff, trying to purge the crazy thoughts.  I picture myself telling her that she can't say anything, she can't respond.  Mostly because I won't believe her as she tries to help me feel better, tries to help me normalize my thoughts.
I know my stuff is irrational responses, but sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.
I want to tell her that I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have her hold me.  I want to tell her that sometimes when I hold/hug Sam I want the same from her.  The unconditional love that I have for sam I want from her.  I know it's irrational.
Need to get this out.  I feel like all I ever do is talk about this with her but I think the reality is that I don't.  I imagine it all the time in my head, I live with it all inside, and maybe I sometimes allude to it with her but it never comes flowing out of my mouth.  I never really purge it, I just walk around with it.
(still picturing talking with her) I look at your pictures on Facebook when I miss you, when I want to talk to you, or just know you're still around. I like to read things you've commented on as I can feel your presence more, it's more 'alive' than a picture, i can really hear you talking.

So the delay in your response (sent a text Friday at 6:30 and you returned it at 10:00pm on Sunday) sent me on a bit of a whirlwind.  And now I'm feeling like an ass.  I hope she doesn't hate me. I just assumed that she forgot about me and I'm really not a priority, nor should I be.  She has a life and I can't be sucking the life out of her.  Part of me feels bad that she spent time trying to rearrange hers, and other peoples schedules. I wanted to see her Monday AND Wednesday this week, and now the delay has twisted my thinking all around again. I was mad at her and now I'm afraid that she's mad at me.  fucked again.

Just exchanged a few texts with her.  Really was bothered by her telling me that I still had my wednesday morning spot.  I hated being referred to as a 'spot'. And I also know I'm being childish and petty.  crap

How do you know when to let go? How do you know if you should forgive and forget or when it's time to cut bait? Looking at pictures of her I see warmth, compassion, fun, relaxed.  Do I see trustworthy? Maybe it's time to just really, and I mean really, trust her? Funny that it's still a question and not yet a statement.
I wonder if L is really too good to be true.Of course she's not perfect, although part of me would argue that.what if I went in there tomorrow trusting her? just being happy she's part of my life. I gotta start letting some of these thoughts/feelings out.

She's back and I can't believe how good I feel.  Not too crazy good, and not manic good, but humming while I work good.  It's frustrating to still get the anxiety when I don't see her, although it clearly has gone down by leaps and bounds.  I have been going every other week since December and I was handling it well, including over the holidays.  So this time caught me a little off guard.  Still very familiar though.  Maybe it was cause she was actually 'away' in Florida with her daughter.  She was still very much reachable and we exchanged a few texts over the 10 days she was gone. But anxiety continued to rear it's ugly head. although on a scale of one to ten it probably got as high as a six, so that's that too bad, at least in comparison to other times.