She's back and I can't believe how good I feel.  Not too crazy good, and not manic good, but humming while I work good.  It's frustrating to still get the anxiety when I don't see her, although it clearly has gone down by leaps and bounds.  I have been going every other week since December and I was handling it well, including over the holidays.  So this time caught me a little off guard.  Still very familiar though.  Maybe it was cause she was actually 'away' in Florida with her daughter.  She was still very much reachable and we exchanged a few texts over the 10 days she was gone. But anxiety continued to rear it's ugly head. although on a scale of one to ten it probably got as high as a six, so that's that too bad, at least in comparison to other times.

Why is she always on my mind?  Why do I want to know everything about her? What kind of tooth paste, where did she have dinner last night, what is her morning routine?  Why am I constantly wondering 'wonder what L is doing right now'? I bet she would tell me to just ask her, text her when it comes up.  But I'm afraid I'll probably use up all of her data minutes. And also that she'd really know the extent of my obsession.

But why?  It's definitely mother-crap.  In my nearly-50 years I have become obsessed/infatuated with a few other women.  I do remember this happening with my 1st grade teacher, a co-worker when I was in my early twenties, and my first therapist when I was in my early twenties.  In fact the obsession/infatuation with my co-worker is what led me to seek therapy in the first place. Although it was shrouded by depression and complicated by my finally accepting my sexuality so I certainly wasn't tackling my attachment stuff head on then.

Sent L a text over 2 days ago and I haven't heard back.  It wasn't anything earth shattering, it was anything that she technically needed to respond to, but it's throwing me for a bit of a loop.  Not a major loop, but certainly one that convinced me to take some Vitamin 'A' (ativan) last night.  I pulled away from my family and spent the night reading, 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'.

Of course logically I have it under control, let's see......she didn't get the text, she did get the text but I didn't get her response, she did get the text but then her phone died and after recharging it she forgot to reply, or she thought she replied but forgot to hit the send button, she lost her phone

She's now gone til the 13th.  Not too far, certainly reachable by phone and within the same time zone.  I guess it's just the old abandonment crap again....still.

I wonder it this is what asthma feels like? Like you can't get your breath? That you just can't get enough air.

Haven't really had an anxiety attack in a few weeks, was able to get thru the holidays and even get thru seeing L only every couple weeks.  Been doing ok, but now it's reared it's ugly head a bit.

I'm sure it's because L is going away for a week, even though with me going every other week I wouldn't have technically missed my session, it's still throwing me.

We had a really good conversation a few weeks ago.  Talked alot about need, and boundaries, and Facebook...etc.

But now I'm back feeling like I can't get enough, and will never get enough....of her?

Just sent her a text letting her know that it makes sense for me to cancel next week.  I don't want to, but it's the day before thanksgiving, S, my daughter has off, I don't have any money, and we have to drive down the next day. It's sending me for a little bit of a loop. I am going to stay at a friends tonight and that is weighing on me too.  It's uncomfortable for me to be one-on-one with someone.  I was hoping to bring S, my daughter as a buffer for me but M really pushed for me to leave her at home, that I needed alone time with my friend.
It's like L is disappeared into the black hole now.

These are just random thoughts I've had compiled over a few days.....Sometimes it helps just to write things out.


Why did our testing exchange, which turned horrible, as it has on occasion, overwhelm me?  Like if this was somehow the end of our relationship then I would lose any interest in living.  Like the meaning would be gone.

Why does seeing her posts on Facebook with friends, and eek, even boyfriends overwhelm me as well?

Just when I start to think, and maybe even worry a bit that things are starting to be more 'normal' with L, I get thrown into this flurry of catastrophic thoughts, and I can't think of anything else.

How do I know that I should trust her?

Should I trust my logical side, my gut, my emotional side.....something else maybe?

Middle of the night thoughts: maybe there are more ways to see it? I feel like I'm fooling myself sometimes, and maybe you just tell me what 'therapeutically' i should hear? My life is better with you in it, and it scares the shit out of me to think you won't be, and it scares the shit out of me that it scares the shit out of me. Should I take that as a 'sign' that I need to back away?  I wonder if that's how abused women feel? Like they just can't leave that person? That hopefully they will love you back? I'm trying to think, hope, feel that I'm wrong about her not willing/wanting to see me at some reduced fee because she really only sees me for the money.  I never did outright ask her, so maybe I'm wrong.
And I'm not sure there's any correlation to the concerns/comments a few weeks ago regarding the lack of intensity, but I'm open to the possibility.
When she wrote that 'My feelings is texting is the easy way out and I would love to be able to discuss all of this with you in person' it seemed/felt that she was finally saying what she really felt, which was that she really did hate when I text, and that I'm a nuisance, I'm too much work, not worth it, even for the small amount of money
She never really says 'she's sorry', it's more like either a generic 'I'm not perfect, I make mistakes', or "I'm sorry if it made you feel that way'.
She says to ask questions, but it's also none of my business right?
Does she react certain ways because of role she's supposed to play, the job that she has? Does she say things to 'trick' me, to get me to believe that I can trust her?  Is it all calculated?  Is that even fair of me?  I pay her for a 'service' and when I get it I question it?  Man that is fucked.
Is that it?  All I really want to know is that she loves me?  And she doesn't, or she can't, or she won't? So I'm just banging my head against the wall.  And I'm just chasing my tail because if she doesn't respond it confirms by beliefs and if she does respond I don't believe her?  There isn't anything she could say or do because there's no way she could love me.
So last night I wondered if I could start looking at her like a therapist and not anything more?  Someone with whom I could remain aloof to but respect?

Sent her a text a few hours ago asking if we could meet next wednesday, which would be our normal time to meet.  It's just that I walked out of session yesterday and at that time I was hell bent on not going back.

She says I can tell her about my anger, she even said I could tell her she was being an 'asshole' about something, but in fact when I did ( I didn't call her an asshole I told her I felt her response to something sucked) she got mad, or atleast I felt she was mad. Although I do have to admit that I am a bit thin-skinned and feel people are often mad at me.

She just responded to my text and said 'yes' we could meet next Wednesday at the usual time.  Now I'm worried that she hates me and has had enough.  I'm afraid that maybe she thought that she was finally off the hook and I left.

If I didn't contact her, would she have? I still so worry about the abandonment thing.  I wish I could know that  there would be nearly nothing I could do.

I tried to tell M about what had gone on.  She had wanted to know since I got home Wednesday but I just shutdown.  In talking with her last night, at her insistence of course, I realized how stupid it all sounded.  I couldn't say out loud that I just wanted L to love me, and to know that all the time.  To be certain, always.  Instead sort of talking made me feel like more of a jerk.

I miss texting her.

Feeling pretty sad and starting to get overwhelmed, lost in my thoughts.  In sort of talking with M I realized, once again, how things can get so big in my head, my feelings don't seem proportional to the event, even just my understanding, which of course is tainted.

I haven't really exercised in a couple of weeks.  Some half-hearted starts and stops.  I think it's affecting me in many ways.  My sleep sucks, back to waking up and staying up.

I want her to love me unconditionally, I'm assuming I never really got that before, hence the need still exists?

when this happens again what do I do?

why do I idolize her? think her life is wonderful or perfect? similar to the way kids idolize their parents maybe?

Anger.  Why am I so angry? Afraid to express anger

I finally talked, really talked to M about what happened between L and other the other day. I really want to be a better person, for me, and for M, she totally deserves it.

I'm never sure whether my thoughts are real/valid. I can hear L right now saying 'that's why you need to talk it out, sort it out'

M and I had a really good conversation.  I told her everything.  It made me feel so much better, even though she stood up for L.  Told me how caring L is, she understood what L was saying about my texting, and agreed with her.

M says I'm angry alot.

I was trying to work up the nerve this morning to tell M something 'stupid'.  I was pretty certain she wouldn't think it was stupid, hence why I would tell her, but I just couldn't get myself there.

About a year or so ago I bought myself a charm that hangs from my car's rear view mirror.  It's kinda cool, it's a sun, that looks a bit like my one-and-only (currently) tattoo.  After that I bought M one, similar to mine but its of a peace sign.  It reminded me of her, always wanting 'peace' for people, especially people who are 'victims'.

Then about 8 months ago I was in this little country store and which carried the same kind of  charms, but with designs I hadn't seen before.  One in particular, it was a Fleur De Lis.  For reasons I won't go into I knew L would like it, or atleast I hoped she would.  I went back and forth about whether or not to buy it for it.  It wasn't a lot of money, but was it childish? was I being silly? I convinced myself that I would buy it but it didn't mean I actually had to give it to her (sometimes I have to take things in baby-steps).

Eventually I did give it to her, I don't remember the specifics of that day, although I'm sure I was nervous about it, and I'm also sure she received it perfectly.  No hesitation and much appreciation.

So fast forward to two weeks ago. I was having a particularly hard time deciding whether to go see L or not. She had just come back from vacation, which to make things even harder, was out of the country. You would think after seeing her for over 4 years I wouldn't go through the same push-pull every time, or at least not be surprised by it.  And although it's certainly not the 'same' push-pull as in previous times, it's still always hard. If you also factor in the two hour ride each way to see L, which gives me loads of time to run things over and over in my head, you'll see why I can really work myself into a tizzie before I even step into her office.

Still undecided about actually stepping foot into her office I pull into the parking lot and scan for her car.  If it's not there then it's a double win.  First I don't have to face her, and second I get to be mad at her for not showing up.  It's a two-for!! But it is there, and I must start the dead man's walk up to her office.  As I walk across the parking lot I look at her car again and I do my usual scan to see if the charm I had given her was still hanging from her mirror, like it has always been.  But this time I have to do a double, even triple take....it's not there.  I'm so caught off guard, I check to make sure it's her car, and then I'm frozen, what do I do?