That Sucked

When I walked out of her office this morning that was my reaction, 'That sucked!', and I had to really hold back from texting her that.  I knew sending her that wouldn't be fair, not that it wasn't true, but I'm pretty sure she would have been blind sided.  Although part of me wanted to inflict some sort of pain I also knew I'd regret it at some point. 

I wanted so much to feel connected to her.  I also wanted to talk about wanting to connect to her.  I really wanted to talk about our (?) relationship, if that's what it is.  I wanted to feel good about seeing her twice this week, instead of conflicted.  I wanted to talk about feeling conflicted.  I wanted to talk about working towards not seeing her twice a week.  I wanted to talk about the craving.

But we didn't talk about any of that, and I know that's my fault, but I'm not big enough to hold myself accountable for it, instead I have/want to be angry at her. 

It's her fault for not steering the session that way.  It's her fault for keeping the conversation normal.  It's her fault for believing me when I told her that there wasn't anything else that I wanted to talk about.

It was all too light, like she doesn't want to 'go deep' with me anymore.  She's tired of it.  Can't I just be normal and talk about normal things?  As I was driving back to work I kept thinking if someone was in that room with us it probably seemed like a good conversation.  We covered lots of things, some good stuff, some parenting stuff, some fun stuff.  Most would have considered it fulfilling.  And then there's me.

Maybe the initial conversation around 'Do you think it's Freudian....?' really threw me off.  I know I was bothered by it.  Maybe cause there's some truth to it?  I don't know. Maybe if she approached it a little different.  She did ask how was M's new job going and what was the affect of her new hours.  I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, but it did, I could physically feel it.  Was it because she was calling me out on something?  Not sure.  Honestly.

And what didn't help....no hug at the end of the session, haven't had one in a while.

And what else didn't help....opening her office door at the end of a crappy session, not getting a hug, and....two kids in their late teens sitting out in the hallway waiting for her.  They were all casual and friendly saying to her 'We thought we'd surprise you and stop by!!  They get to know her, to be with her in a way I don't get to.  I hate being reminded of that.

And what else didn't help...opening her office door, while seething internally, without any supportive hug (again) with two shiny-happy people that get to just show up......and Alanis Morrssette playing on my iPod the whole way back to work.....You Oughta Know.

T Recap

I think it was an 'ok' session.  Not great, and not horrible, but somewhere in between.  It's so strange how after a bit of a break I need time to reconnect, and I guess that's what we did. 

We talked about my trip to Florida, my not getting yet another job, buying a new car (LOVE the smell of a new car!!!), how things were at work, how things are going with my partner...etc.  It was good, but nothing too intense.  I suppose it's not suppose to be intense, and I probably couldn't go there, but I still crave it.  I still crave the connection that an intense session brings. 

So I leave, feeling 'ok' and I re-promise (is that a word??) that I won't reach out to her and ask for another session this week.  Even though at the end yesterday she told me that 'she'd be around', which is code for 'call me if you want to meet again', I want to fight it.  I don't want to continue being in the position of needing her.  I feel like a failure, like a wimp. And within 3 hours of leaving I send a text to her, simply 'Friday?', to which replies later on with a time.  Of course I'm happy about it, but I also still feel like a failure.  Like cheating on a diet.  The ice cream tastes GREAT going down, but in the long wrong it's just adding extra poundage. 

And now, if I'm not already crazy, I'm tormenting myself about seeing her again.  L would tell me to stop beating myself up about it.  That she's happy to see me, there's nothing wrong with going twice a week, there's nothing wrong with feeling supported by her.  I just feel like I'm giving in to myself.  That if I was just strong enough and try and get past the knee-jerk reaction of scheduling more time, then I would be ok.

L totally believes that by coming more and reaching out to her is a good thing, is good for me.  She wants me to ask for what I need, and if she can she will try and meet them.  I, on the other hand, think it's a good thing if I could get all my needs met internally.  

The push-pull continues.

I Guess This is What Avoidance Feels Like

I've been feeling a little weird lately.  Not really bad, not really great, just somewhere in between, I think.  And maybe that's how normal people feel?  I haven't seen L for a while, and really haven't had much in between contact.  I do have my normal appointment tomorrow morning and I'm starting to feel a little anxious about it.  I think part of the anxiety is simply not having seen her in a while which  makes be a bit nervous.  Like we're not in our usual, familiar grove.

I think I'm also a little concerned about seeing her because of the overly dependent, craving-like feelings that I typically feel for her are currently at bay (somewhat, sort of!). I'm afraid that after I see her tomorrow I'll be flung back on to the merry-go-round.  That overwhelming, all consuming, push-pull feeling that invariably will happen.  It's not a good place to be.  I quite often wonder if by her allowing me nearly unlimited contact with her feeds into my cravings and will always keep me in this place of needing her.  That she'll always be my security blanket. 

We've talked about this, quite often actually and she assures me that once I get 'enough' I won't always be in this position.  I also know that a lot of my fear has to do with a previously all-consuming t-relationship that went sour and left me devastated for a long, long time.  Like 5 years!

I also know that I'm concerned about seeing L tomorrow because she'll ask me how the job hunt is going and I'll have to tell her about a job that I totally thought I had, but didn't get.  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed by this.  I feel like such a failure and I don't want to tell her.  I know she'll be supportive, but I've gotten a lot of job rejections lately and the one common denominator is me, and I can't help but beat myself up over it.  And I'm at a point where I won't be able to take in her support, I'll just think it's all trite.

So if I don't want to talk about things are in the t-relationship, and I don't want to talk about how the job search is going, then I most definitely don't want to talk about my relationship with my partner M.  Things were tough while we were away the week before, however things have been pretty good between us since coming home.  But I also know I'm probably fooling myself a bit, and I'm not really to be called out on that.



I guess we could always talk about the weather......

Thoughts While Hanging Out

Not sure where this post is going, so it may just be some ramblings....

I've been away since last Saturday at a work conference in Florida.  Because I was located near Disney World, my daughter and wife came with me for a few days.  Things have been a bit tense with my partner so I was a bit distracted and feeling a little 'walking on egg shells'.  I wanted to have a good time without trying to force it but that's hard for me to do.  I tend to over-think.

I'm not a great traveler.  I like going to different places, I just hate the process of getting there.  To much to coordinate, what-to-pack what-not-to-pack, who's going to care for the pets, do we drive to the airport, take a cab, get someone to take us, what time do we need to be at the airport, flight delays...etc.  So, to say the least getting to Florida was a bit stressful, and my crappy attitude definitely did not help.  Plus we didn't get to our hotel until nearly midnight, so we were all very, very tired.  But, I'm happy to report that the next day at the Magic Kingdom was really great. 

The looks on my daughter's face was priceless.  We didn't push too much, and just did what we could.  My daughter was also asked to be 'Pricess for Day' and she LOVED that!  As did her two proud moms!

Unfortunately, after that nearly perfect family day, it was pretty tense with my wife and I.  The rest of my time was spent at the conference while they visited a couple of different parks.  So you would think when we would meet up at night it would be a good thing, but it wasn't.  Maybe we were all just tired.  Maybe it's the living in close-quarters.  Maybe expectations were too high.

They're home now while I'm still in Florida.  I'm grateful to have some time to myself.  I've gotten some much needed rest too.  Because I've been away I didn't see L this week.  I had asked to see if she had time on Friday when I get back.  She responded last night and said she had time in the afternoon, but oddly enough I declined, and I'm not quite sure why.  I think part of it is resembling my 'real' life.  I'm pulling away from my partner, and I just want to pull away from everyone. 
I also think I don't want to face, with L, my issues with my partner.  It's so hard for me to talk, to communicate what I want.  It's not that I don't think I 'deserve' things or that I'm not worthy, it's more that I feel like my wants aren't valid.  That they're too much to ask for. 

My t and I constantly are at odds about asking for things I want or need.  I feel that I shouldn't rely on anyone; that I should get things/wants/needs internally.  I shouldn't need outside influences to get my needs meet, it should all come from within.  She, on the otherhand feels quite the opposite.  She feels that because by nature we are social-beings, it's best to reach outside myself and connect with others.

Part of me knows she's right.  I have a really great connection with her and I certainly wish that my wife and I could reconnect on that level again.  But other than my huge, huge fear of public speaking, my fear of intimate conversation with one person imobilizes me.  So I do what's been ingrained in me, I retreat.

T Summary

It went ok.  Actually considering my mood, it went pretty well.  I was nervous when I got there, I couldn't even look at her while doing the early banter.  I avoided eye contact as we exchanged the usual nicities.  Normally she would have asked me about the easy stuff.  Work, my job search, my daughter...etc.  Stuff that usually grounds me and calms me down.  But not this time, and I was glad she didn't.  Sometimes we spend too much time on the easy topics and we aren't able to dig deep enough on other things.

She asked if I wanted to talk about the recent tasks.  Of course I said no.  And of course I didn't mean it.  I had sent her a text two days before:
Me:  Hi, not sure why or what's going on, but a strong need/want to text/connect.  Some day it won't be there, right?
Her:  Some day yes, but for now it is great to text
Me:  Thanks.  I can't figure out what's harder, the craving or the way I feel about it
Her:  Let's talk about both on wed

That last line 'let's talk about both on wed' shut me down.  Which is probably why I was unwilling and unable to make eye contact when I first got there.  As usual what I heard and what she meant were two different things.  And intellectually I knew that, but emotionally I wouldn't have any part of it!

She is a great detective.  She can, by asking a series of questions, usually get to what's going on with me, and can get me to a place to tell her what's happening.  This time wasn't any difference.  She eventually asked was I happy or satisfied with her response to my text.  As usual, I explained myself in the form of a story.

I work with this guy named Alan.  Really nice guy, I like him a lot and he has the best of intentions, but unfortunately he likes to talk, a lot.  And not only a lot, but he likes to talk about the same topic over, and over, and over again.  Maybe that's his strategy, to just wear you down!!  Anyway, like I said I really do like this guy, but I know once he starts talking I start moving away; mostly physically.  Like the other day after a meeting he continued to talk, and talk.  So I got up and packed up my things.  He didn't get the hint.  I put on my coat to leave.  Still didn't get the hint.  Then I started making my way to the door.  And he continued talking and now following me.  Finally I said 'I know we're you're coming from, let's talk about this more at our next meeting'.  And then I basically turned and walked out the door, never looking back.

After telling her the story  I told her that's how I felt about her text.  That she was sick of me texting and of hearing my neediness/attachment crap, and really she just wanted to turn and walk away from me.  I also told her that I would reread the text and try and believe that she really thinks it's great for me to text right now, but I couldn't hold on to that.  It's so funny how my mind works (or doesn't work??!!!).

We then started to talk about what could have possibly triggered the need/want to text.  Sometimes I can pinpoint a specific event, but most times it was just what I was feeling at the time.  This time it was because of some stuff that happened over the weekend, some stuff that happened with my partner.  This relationship stuff is so hard and I'm getting concerned about the path my partner and I are on right now.

I know the theory is the relationship that you have with your T mirrors your outside relationships.  I think this is the first time that I can see some definite parallels.  For me it's my inability to talk, my inability to communicate my needs, and my definite worry about being abandoned.  There's also some stuff about my worthiness in there as well.

Push vs Pull

So will this always be here?  Will there always be a push-pull?  Will I always feel like a moth-to-a-flame?  The craving is so overwhelming, but then my gut tells me to stay away.

It's Wednesday morning, T-day, and I want it to be intense and I want to tell her to f&$*-off at the same time. 

I wish I could just decide, once-and-for-all how I want to be.

Me and Donna Summer......

We will survive.  Not sure what Ms Summer survived, but I appear to have survived L being away last week. 

Technically I didn't miss my weekly session with her.  Normally I see her on Wednesday mornings, but she was flying out Wednesday for the start of a quick vacation so I saw her on Tuesday morning instead.  And now because of a conflict with my schedule I see her this week on a Tuesday again. 

I guess what I did miss was the possibility of seeing her for a second time last week, which often can happen on a Friday.  But I also missed, only in my head of course, my 'safety net'.  In my head she was gone, unavailable, and had abandoned me.  Worse, I guess, in my head her leaving, or not being there, meant she didn't care anymore.  In fact, to me it meant she actually never cared in the first place.  There it is again, that thought that she had been tricking and lying to me all the time. 

The feeling or concern of being tricked and being lied to is something I'm always aware of.  It's probably part of my trust issues as well.  I suppose if I'm always waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me then it only makes sense that I would have a lot of trouble trusting people.

During her time away this week I texted her a lot.  She always says I can text and call as much as I want or need.  I'm not good on the phone so I choose to text and never call.  For me, the texting really helps.  We've had a few misunderstandings but overall it's helped my in between-session angst.  Actually, I think for me it's helped shorten the angst.  I certainly still get worked up and concerned but usually by exchanging a couple of texts and getting some reassurance from her the anxiety calms down.

The funny thing about texting is that at the moment I can tell her things via text that I would probably never tell her in person.  Especially things that expose my vulnerabilities, like how much she means to me, and how I can agonize over things.  I know one of our goals is for me to be able to say 'outloud' everything that I feel and think, but for now texting acts as the in between step.