The message was sort of cryptic, I guess I meant it to be, like I was testing her.  And of course she failed.  I think she's failed every 'test' I've thrown at her.
I wanted her to remember, I wanted it to mean as much to her as it had meant to me, reveling such an embarrassing reaction.
I sometimes wonder if going to therapy makes me worse.

It's a lovely rainy day here today and I'm just sort of sloughing.  I was supposed to see L today but she texted me yesterday and said she was sick. She said it wasn't anything serious but her doctors wanted to run some tests today.  Luckily ( I think) we were able to reschedule for tomorrow.  You see L has been away for about 4 weeks now.  She attended a conference that was out of the country, and while she was there she hiked a VERY major mountain.  I'm sure it was quite and adventure for her, I have seen some of the pics on Facebook, but I'm sure it was also very exhausting, so I guess it's not surprising that she's sick.  I just hope she's ok and it's not some crazy flesh-eating disease! Of course I go to the extreme.

The weeks she's been gone have been all over the place for me. I've missed her terribly, I've missed the option of texting her, I've hated her, I've been jealous of her, I've worried about her safety, I've been angry at her.  However, as horrible as all that sounds the anxiety that I typically feel when our schedule is interrupted wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. I'm sure that L would see that as progress, and I guess I sort of do too, but I've also toyed with the idea of not going back to see her.  I'm 99.9% sure I will go back, but as much as I've missed L I also hate the feelings that get dredged up by going to therapy.  Not to mention the 2 hour drive each way.

I hate the games, the push-pull, the longings, the jealousy, the abandonment , the confusion, the 'it's not a real relationship' feelings, the missing her, the overwhelming feelings for days after I leave a session.



And, really, if Robin Williams couldn't make it, who can?

Having trouble finding meaning lately, meaning in life.  I know that's probably at bit heady but it's where I'm at.  Maybe it's the significant losses lately.  First my mom in April, and then the sudden death of my 15 month old nephew in June. Or maybe cause I'm turning 49 in a few days. Or maybe it's cause L is away, out of the country, for 3 weeks. I just don't know.  Maybe it's all of the above, or maybe it's not.  Crap.

Everything feels so forced lately. although I guess I should be glad that atleast I still have the ability to make myself do things.  A former T once said to me "Sometimes you gotta fake it before you make it".  I'm not sure I really believe that (didn't really click with her) but I wonder if it's true right now for me.  I've been able to force myself back to running, although technically it may be more of a 'fast walk' than a 'run' right now, but I'm getting there. And I think the running has been helping my sleep.  I had been taking Ativan every night for a while now, but I've only taken it once this past week, and then was to get me through some anxiety about L leaving.

I've also been very mindful of being sure I spend time with my daughter and partner.  That too has been sort of forced, and sometimes I still cave in to 'going for a nap', but I've still been planning 'adventures' for us.  There's so much to do outside where we live now so I'm pushing us to go floating along a local river, driving up Mount Washington, stopping and climbing the rocks by a waterfall, kayaking, ziplining...etc.  I think it's helped my mood, but I wish it wasn't so hard.

I've even been playing the game of 'being thankful for all I have', but it still doesn't feel authentic to me.  I know I really do have so much to be grateful for, and I am, but it's still not enough to lift me from this funk, if in fact if really is a funk.

Once again it's been a long time since I've written.  I've wanted to, but I guess I've been at a loss for words, or maybe just afraid to write them down.  It's funny that I go into modes in which I don't do things that I know will make me feel better, like writing or exercising.  Hmmm, I wonder why that is.

Anywho, it's really been a horrendous, even unimaginable few months.

First my mom died at the end of April.  Although I did love my mom I was not particularly close to her, I guess I never was.  She had been sick for a while with Parkinson's disease, and of course other sordid ailments that go along with that disease and getting old.

 About a year ago we had to make the decision to put her into a nursing home.  I have 6 brothers and sisters and you can imagine that we all had different opinions about that.  For all the crap that families go thru, and we have had our share, I have to say that my brothers and sisters are all pretty caring people, but that doesn't always stop the ugliness, and towards the end of my mother's life it did get pretty ugly.

Most of the difficulty, atleast for me was making end-of-life decisions.  When or even if to call in hospice? Was she getting the best care at the nursing home? She developed a huge sore on her side, so big that you could see inside her, probably about the size of 3 golf balls. And even though I'm the second to youngest in my family, I was the healthcare proxy for both my mom and my dad.  As I stop and think about that right now I realize what a strange position I was in.

I was definitely not the closest to my mom, we had always had a sort of love-hate relationship.  One of my brothers and one of my sisters were very close, seeing her almost every day, and I believe they resented that I was the 'decision maker'.  Not that any decision was ever made in a vacuum, and trust me, we must have exchanged hundreds of text messages and emails in an effort to communicate as best we could to everyone.

But in the end I had the final say.  My mother was 85, she was not well and was only getting worse.  I made the call to bring in hospice, remove IV's that were injecting meds in her that were making her better, and worse all at the same time.  I directed them to give her 'care and comfort'. My mother was a very religious (Catholic) woman, but for all her strongly held beliefs I knew she was scared to die.

This is the first time I've written about my mother's death.  There's so much more to write, so much more to look at, and hopefully I'll come back to it. However it's not my mother's death that has prompted this entry, it is my nephews.

Isaac was 15 months old, he died just over 3 weeks ago.  It's not supposed to happen like this.  It's still so hard to wrap my head around it.

Isaac is actually my great-nephew, he was the son of my niece.

There's so much more to say......

I had been trying to finish a post I started a few days ago.  But because there was so much to write about I'm finding it overwhelming to work on at the moment. So in summary.....I just got back from a wonderful 10 day Caribbean cruise, I've only seen L once in the last six weeks, my partner and I have been focused a lot on our intimacy issues lately, although the shop continues to improve, it still is a struggle financially, read a book on vacation called "Love and Loss in Life and in Treatment".



So now with that out of the way, I'm here to say that I'm pretty much out of whack!  Lots of anxiety since I came back from vacation last week and I can't really pinpoint it.  Although I'm thinking it's probably a bunch of things on not one thing in particular.  Lots of texting with L since my session last Wednesday, nearly every day"

Me: Although I wish I had more time with today it was still really good to see you
L: Longer would have been nice it was great to see you and thank you so much for saying so

Me: Sorry, but weird question of the day...are you planning on any upcoming vacations (abandonements) or snow storms?
L: I have a conference I'm going to on the 25th and 26th other than that no plans.  Not a weird question
Me: Well that gives me time to figure out how to squeeze into your suitcase.....feeling like there may be a lot of crazy texts this week.
L: Sorry I got the dates wrong the 19th and 20th is the conference.  Keep coming with more texts.

Me:  Just really wanted to say 'hey!'
L: Hi back, hope your getting back into the swing of things
Me:  Missing the blue water, white sand, and flip flops!  Thanks for being there though, not sure why the anxiety is on the rise but trying not to freak out too much.  See ya Wednesday
L:  Well keep texting if that helps and yes I will see you on Wednesday
Me:  Thanks
L:  My pleasure
Me: Now cut that out!  You make it hard to be angry with you!  I won't know what to do with my self.
L: There are other alternatives to anger
Me: Hmmmm I"ll have to think about that.

Me:  Still lots of anxiety all weekend long.  I know there's not much you can do (and I also know you would if you could) hoping Wednesday will help, maybe I'll talk, maybe I'll even look at you
L: You could consider increasing your medication.  I know that is something that you're not comfortable with but that might be something to think about.  Look forward to seeing you on Wednesday.  Please text if its helpful I'm happy to respond.


Random questions:
  Why do I fight my enjoyment in seeing L?
  Why am I always angry at her? It's like this undercurrent with me.


Guess I really am all over the place.

Lots of anxiety this morning.  I thought I'd feel better, especially after exercising, but that's not the case.  The physical piece goes from the pit of my stomach all the way up my throat.

I know racing around this morning trying to get my daughter to school on time, while finishing her 100-day project, raised my anxiety level.  I have a 'thing' about being late and being rushed, so maybe that's what started it this morning?

Trying to keep myself physically occupied today, but I do have some things to do today that require my concentration, hopefully I won't screw them up too much.  It's just that my mind is racing, as is my heart, and it's gonna be a long day at the shop.

L and I have been having trouble getting our schedules in sync. Part of the problem is that I am nearly 2 hours away from her office (one way!!) and I own a retail business...oh, and we have a 7 year old! Normally we can find a time than works for us but every once in a while something happens to disrupt our appointment time, which can wreak havoc on my delicately balanced emotional state!!!!!  Ah, who doesn't love the nasty mix of attachment and transference???

By the time I hopefully see L next Friday, it will have been 4 weeks since we met.  My mind has had free range, and instead of blaming the missed sessions on logistics and the weather, sometimes (ok, quite often) I will wander down the ugly path of  'She hates me.....', 'She's not real.....', 'What she says is bullshit....', 'I'm too dependent....', 'I'm too needy....'.

Now for the most part texting has been pretty helpful.  Of course we've had our share of text-misunderstandings, and sometimes our texts actually never reach each other and stay out in text-outerspace, and yes, sometimes waiting for her reply is more painful than childbirth.  But I think overall it's worked pretty well for us (me).

So this week because of a snow storm I couldn't make the trip to her office.  We exchange a few texts trying to line up another appointment but to no avail.  As it was becoming more apparent to me that we would not meet again this week my anxiety level sky rocketed.  I even allowed myself to ask her if we could meet over the weekend, something we've never done before and I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk that boundary line.

Unfortunately her replying that she couldn't meet over the weekend since my crazy thoughts a runnin'! Did I ask for something I shouldn't have?  Does she think I'm way to needy?  Who am I to ask to cut into her personal time?  Is she appalled that I would even suggest a thing? Oh, so I'm not important enough to
make time in her real life? I really am just paying for a service, not a real relationship?

Eventually she suggests a time next week that I think I can meet, so the texting confessions begin:

Me: Gonna try and make the 14th at 10 work.  Been feeling all over the place lately and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm assuming it's because of not getting to see you (gulp!) it's just hard not to be angry and stay living in my head.

8 long hours go by before she reponds:

L: You can miss me that is ok just text me or call me any time.  Today  I had classes all day so I just got home sorry for not for not getting back to you sooner.

After sleeping (sort of) and processing her response over night, I reply with:

Me: Thanks, I guess I gotta stop fighting it, it's just I start making up crazy stories in my head.  I miss the connection (gulp!)

L: Me too. Don't start making up crazy stories and if you do share them with me.

Me: The thought of sharing my crazy stories with you is probably crazier than the stories themselves? But I'll try, thanks

L: Trying sounds good.

Someday I hope to look back on all these exchanges and laugh at how crazy I am (I was?).........someday.